19-01-2004, 22:30
This is a story I have written. It's totally in topic, a good laugh and features Max Barry and CornixPes's excentric President. It's a bit of a long read I know, but if you're up for a laugh and some good references to the troubles of forums - Flamers! - then you'll love this.
The Nation of CornixPes is a very excitable and interesting place, despite its current state. Its current state, may I add, is a not a very nice one. In fact it greatly evolves around the fact that there seemed to be a large group of very angry people spreading across the land, smashing and violently taking out aggression on inanimate objects. It wasn’t very nice to look out of your window and see a large man with a chainsaw standing on your car randomly causing lots of damage. It was for this reason that the president of CornixPes, Joe Apatha, had barricaded himself inside of his office.
Joe propped a chair up and delicately positioned it so it fitted underneath the handle, stopping anyone from entering. He sniggered to himself childishly and turned to his desk. There was a musical clatter coming from behind him. He turned and sighed, his eyes catching those of his Advisors who was currently twisted among the legs of a chair on the floor.
“Lost the key to the lock, sir?” Scott Lewis asked, picking himself up.
“Evidently,” Joe replied, “Another telegram I guess?”
“Yes, another one of our neighbours complaining of Flamer problems. Obviously those land mines didn’t work,” Scott explained. Joe sighed again. Ah, Flamers. The root of all of CornixPes’s current affairs.
Flamers were every Nation’s worst nightmare. People covered in flame, violently destroying things and swearing very loudly. All it took is one flamer to swear or abuse a normal person, and that person would morph into one of those terrible creatures. Effectively this pattern would cause a giant chain reaction until much of CornixPes’s densely populated areas were Flamers.
Joe stepped onto his balcony of his Governmental HQ office in the centre of Apatha, CornixPes’s main city. The sight was so unbearable he had to step back into the room and draw the curtains. The streets were glowing with flame-covered beings that were rolling cars and spray painting very rude words on walls. The sickliest thing was that the whole place smelt faintly of sewage. Apparently that’s where the head flamer had gathered the first resistance.
Red Fox was his only name, only name after what HE did. That President. Evil, evil President and his nasty government. Destroying, deadly – corrupt. Red Fox crept a few more meters along the sewer and shrunk into a dark corner. The corner was then lit up by Red Fox’s magical aura of flame, much to his frustration. He was the first ever Flamer, the creator of the resistance. He was once normal, and average politician - rather unqualified, yes, but still a politician. But of course, he was finally sacked after the Government found a new, better person to suit his job. Anger and rage took hold of him and he took refuge in the sewers – growing mad and dysfunctional. Then he found his first prey, and bunch of sewer workers… and it all took off from there.
Scott approached Joe again.
“Um, sir?” He asked.
“Yes? Did the police control the Flamers?” Joe replied. Scott gestured to the window. Joe sighed and drew back the curtains, only to see half of his police force rampaging the streets in riot gear – swearing very loudly and firing into the air.
“Ah. I see,” Joe whispered and slumped into his chair looking very glum.
“You must do something sir,” Scott advised.
“Obviously. What can I possibly do to control them? They spread so easily and use naughty words!” Joe exclaimed.
It was at that moment that Joe and Scott both had the fright of their lives. The room went dark and time stopped outside. Clouds swooned around the ceiling and all of a sudden a gust of wind lifted a pile of papers from Joe’s desk and into the air. They danced and darted, forming the face of Max Barry that filled up half of the room. Both men dropped to their knees.
“My Lord!” Joe praised and bowed.
“Rise,” Max Barry ordered and both men scrambled to their feet, “Shame on you. Look at the situation of your Nation – it’s in terrible form. Flaming and spamming! What do you think you are doing? I don’t want to have to delete your Nation…”
“Noooo!” Joe cried.
“… But I might be forced to if you don’t sort this fix out. Off with you both – I don’t want to have to pay you a visit again!” Max Barry boomed.
“Yes my Lord, of course. Before you go, my I ask… what came first the chicken or the egg?” Joe asked.
“How should I know? I’m only Max Barry!” And with that the papers exploded and scattered all over the floor, time ran again and the room got a hell of a lot lighter.
Both men stood pondering for a moment.
“Well, I think I know what you’re thinking,” Scott sighed. Joe chuckled.
“Let’s kick some butt!” Joe whooped and jumped up and down for at least twenty seconds.
An hour later a banner was flown over Apatha. It said, “All Flamers Suck!”, a nice piece of flame bait – it always does the trick. In a matter of minutes Flamers flooded into the city and right into the trap. The CornixPes military came from all sides – shooting and bombing. Explosions and fire lit the sky. Debris flew and buildings toppled. For a few minutes it was looking like it was going to be a victory.
Sergeant Baxter took his SI80 to bear and put a bullet through an oncoming Flamer’s head. He toppled and disappeared. With a hand signal Baxter ordered the next charge – and the men crashed into the flame. From his stand point a Flamer wrestling a soldier on the floor was visible. Over the noise came the words: “Your mum is fat!” The soldier burst into flame and leapt to his feet – diving into his own ranks. Baxter sprang forwards and caught the man in a headlock, putting a bullet through his head. More and more soldiers turned and all of a sudden a civil war broke out.
Upon seeing half of the city be burned to rubble and half of the military begin to kill their comrades, Scott decided that it was a good idea to airlift the president out of harm’s way. He took him to the roof of the skyscraper where the helicopter was due.
“Stay here! I’ll go back down and get the files!” Scott cried and disappeared. Joe wandered to the edge of the building and looked down on the onslaught. It was clear his plan had yet again failed. All of a sudden there was a crack of lightening that appeared without warning. A thunderbolt struck the ground blowing men out of the way. Cloud formed around the bolt and formed steps that seemed to extend from heaven itself. Max Barry’s face morphed in the clouds.
“People of CornixPes, your time of reckoning has come. The Mods are coming!” Max laughed. A black mass of hundreds of thousands of men dressed in black suits and sunglasses began to charge down the steps. They all looked identical to each other and greatly resembled Agent Smith from The Matrix.
They hit the battle like a tidal wave. They were tough and rock solid, with speed like none other. If their hands touched a Flamer, it would simply melt and be deleted. Almost like they had a Hive Mind each one covered for the next, ensuring that none of them were injured.
They fought tirelessly and crushed anything in their path. Flamers exploded on impact. Their victory was near and the people of CornixPes began to cheer when one of the Flamers clicked.
“Why are you all identical anyway? Are you all inbreeds?” It said. It obviously got to one of the Mods. Mod number 1,085 actually. He roared and burst into flame. Instantly, he turned around and grabbed another Mod – who burst into flames as well. Rapidly, a sea of Super-spammer Mods arose and began to spread everywhere. Up in Heaven, or whatever, Max Barry sighed.
Joe swore very loudly upon seeing that not only were his men fighting a swarm of Flamers – they were now fighting a sea of flaming Mods.
“You have a right to swear. We will control the world!” A voice came from behind him. Joe turned to see Red Fox standing there.
“You!” He cried. He diverted his eyes away from eye contact knowing that it could spell the end.
“Indeed. It’s time for revenge!” Red Fox sprang at Joe and they both crumpled to the floor, punching and kicking. They rolled and wrestled, swearing and growling at one and another until Joe punched Red Fox in the head and pulled the pistol from his flaming pocket. He loaded and aimed while getting up.
“Tables have turned eh?” Joe laughed.
The stairs from heaven reappeared. This time one solitary figure came bounding down. Max Barry in a suit of armour and a wielding a giant mace! With a Sauron-like connotation he tore through everything, each devastating sweep of a mace smashed men flying through the air. In a dramatic few seconds it became an everyone vs. Max battle. And it was safe to say he kicked everyone’s ass. However, he knew that unless deleted by a Mod – Flamers couldn’t die unless the original anger is destroyed. Red Fox…
Scott scrambled back onto the roof.
“I’ve got the…” He stopped, distracting Joe for that split second allowing Red Fox to take his legs out and steal the gun, aiming it at his head.
“No!” Scott cried, dropping the papers and diving for Red Fox. He grabbed him and rolled to the floor. The gun went off, missing Joe’s head. They rolled and tumbled, and Scott eventually dragged Red Fox to his feet.
“Good bye!” Scott sobbed and leapt off of the edge of the skyscraper with Red Fox in his clutches.
“NOOO!” Joe screamed, tears rolling down his cheeks. He watched the two tumbling figures drop and accelerate before coming to an abrupt halt.
Like a candle blowing out every Flamer vanished. The Mods gained their feet and followed Max up the steps to heaven. A voice sounded out in the distance.
“Close shave, Joe, close shave!”
END
The Nation of CornixPes is a very excitable and interesting place, despite its current state. Its current state, may I add, is a not a very nice one. In fact it greatly evolves around the fact that there seemed to be a large group of very angry people spreading across the land, smashing and violently taking out aggression on inanimate objects. It wasn’t very nice to look out of your window and see a large man with a chainsaw standing on your car randomly causing lots of damage. It was for this reason that the president of CornixPes, Joe Apatha, had barricaded himself inside of his office.
Joe propped a chair up and delicately positioned it so it fitted underneath the handle, stopping anyone from entering. He sniggered to himself childishly and turned to his desk. There was a musical clatter coming from behind him. He turned and sighed, his eyes catching those of his Advisors who was currently twisted among the legs of a chair on the floor.
“Lost the key to the lock, sir?” Scott Lewis asked, picking himself up.
“Evidently,” Joe replied, “Another telegram I guess?”
“Yes, another one of our neighbours complaining of Flamer problems. Obviously those land mines didn’t work,” Scott explained. Joe sighed again. Ah, Flamers. The root of all of CornixPes’s current affairs.
Flamers were every Nation’s worst nightmare. People covered in flame, violently destroying things and swearing very loudly. All it took is one flamer to swear or abuse a normal person, and that person would morph into one of those terrible creatures. Effectively this pattern would cause a giant chain reaction until much of CornixPes’s densely populated areas were Flamers.
Joe stepped onto his balcony of his Governmental HQ office in the centre of Apatha, CornixPes’s main city. The sight was so unbearable he had to step back into the room and draw the curtains. The streets were glowing with flame-covered beings that were rolling cars and spray painting very rude words on walls. The sickliest thing was that the whole place smelt faintly of sewage. Apparently that’s where the head flamer had gathered the first resistance.
Red Fox was his only name, only name after what HE did. That President. Evil, evil President and his nasty government. Destroying, deadly – corrupt. Red Fox crept a few more meters along the sewer and shrunk into a dark corner. The corner was then lit up by Red Fox’s magical aura of flame, much to his frustration. He was the first ever Flamer, the creator of the resistance. He was once normal, and average politician - rather unqualified, yes, but still a politician. But of course, he was finally sacked after the Government found a new, better person to suit his job. Anger and rage took hold of him and he took refuge in the sewers – growing mad and dysfunctional. Then he found his first prey, and bunch of sewer workers… and it all took off from there.
Scott approached Joe again.
“Um, sir?” He asked.
“Yes? Did the police control the Flamers?” Joe replied. Scott gestured to the window. Joe sighed and drew back the curtains, only to see half of his police force rampaging the streets in riot gear – swearing very loudly and firing into the air.
“Ah. I see,” Joe whispered and slumped into his chair looking very glum.
“You must do something sir,” Scott advised.
“Obviously. What can I possibly do to control them? They spread so easily and use naughty words!” Joe exclaimed.
It was at that moment that Joe and Scott both had the fright of their lives. The room went dark and time stopped outside. Clouds swooned around the ceiling and all of a sudden a gust of wind lifted a pile of papers from Joe’s desk and into the air. They danced and darted, forming the face of Max Barry that filled up half of the room. Both men dropped to their knees.
“My Lord!” Joe praised and bowed.
“Rise,” Max Barry ordered and both men scrambled to their feet, “Shame on you. Look at the situation of your Nation – it’s in terrible form. Flaming and spamming! What do you think you are doing? I don’t want to have to delete your Nation…”
“Noooo!” Joe cried.
“… But I might be forced to if you don’t sort this fix out. Off with you both – I don’t want to have to pay you a visit again!” Max Barry boomed.
“Yes my Lord, of course. Before you go, my I ask… what came first the chicken or the egg?” Joe asked.
“How should I know? I’m only Max Barry!” And with that the papers exploded and scattered all over the floor, time ran again and the room got a hell of a lot lighter.
Both men stood pondering for a moment.
“Well, I think I know what you’re thinking,” Scott sighed. Joe chuckled.
“Let’s kick some butt!” Joe whooped and jumped up and down for at least twenty seconds.
An hour later a banner was flown over Apatha. It said, “All Flamers Suck!”, a nice piece of flame bait – it always does the trick. In a matter of minutes Flamers flooded into the city and right into the trap. The CornixPes military came from all sides – shooting and bombing. Explosions and fire lit the sky. Debris flew and buildings toppled. For a few minutes it was looking like it was going to be a victory.
Sergeant Baxter took his SI80 to bear and put a bullet through an oncoming Flamer’s head. He toppled and disappeared. With a hand signal Baxter ordered the next charge – and the men crashed into the flame. From his stand point a Flamer wrestling a soldier on the floor was visible. Over the noise came the words: “Your mum is fat!” The soldier burst into flame and leapt to his feet – diving into his own ranks. Baxter sprang forwards and caught the man in a headlock, putting a bullet through his head. More and more soldiers turned and all of a sudden a civil war broke out.
Upon seeing half of the city be burned to rubble and half of the military begin to kill their comrades, Scott decided that it was a good idea to airlift the president out of harm’s way. He took him to the roof of the skyscraper where the helicopter was due.
“Stay here! I’ll go back down and get the files!” Scott cried and disappeared. Joe wandered to the edge of the building and looked down on the onslaught. It was clear his plan had yet again failed. All of a sudden there was a crack of lightening that appeared without warning. A thunderbolt struck the ground blowing men out of the way. Cloud formed around the bolt and formed steps that seemed to extend from heaven itself. Max Barry’s face morphed in the clouds.
“People of CornixPes, your time of reckoning has come. The Mods are coming!” Max laughed. A black mass of hundreds of thousands of men dressed in black suits and sunglasses began to charge down the steps. They all looked identical to each other and greatly resembled Agent Smith from The Matrix.
They hit the battle like a tidal wave. They were tough and rock solid, with speed like none other. If their hands touched a Flamer, it would simply melt and be deleted. Almost like they had a Hive Mind each one covered for the next, ensuring that none of them were injured.
They fought tirelessly and crushed anything in their path. Flamers exploded on impact. Their victory was near and the people of CornixPes began to cheer when one of the Flamers clicked.
“Why are you all identical anyway? Are you all inbreeds?” It said. It obviously got to one of the Mods. Mod number 1,085 actually. He roared and burst into flame. Instantly, he turned around and grabbed another Mod – who burst into flames as well. Rapidly, a sea of Super-spammer Mods arose and began to spread everywhere. Up in Heaven, or whatever, Max Barry sighed.
Joe swore very loudly upon seeing that not only were his men fighting a swarm of Flamers – they were now fighting a sea of flaming Mods.
“You have a right to swear. We will control the world!” A voice came from behind him. Joe turned to see Red Fox standing there.
“You!” He cried. He diverted his eyes away from eye contact knowing that it could spell the end.
“Indeed. It’s time for revenge!” Red Fox sprang at Joe and they both crumpled to the floor, punching and kicking. They rolled and wrestled, swearing and growling at one and another until Joe punched Red Fox in the head and pulled the pistol from his flaming pocket. He loaded and aimed while getting up.
“Tables have turned eh?” Joe laughed.
The stairs from heaven reappeared. This time one solitary figure came bounding down. Max Barry in a suit of armour and a wielding a giant mace! With a Sauron-like connotation he tore through everything, each devastating sweep of a mace smashed men flying through the air. In a dramatic few seconds it became an everyone vs. Max battle. And it was safe to say he kicked everyone’s ass. However, he knew that unless deleted by a Mod – Flamers couldn’t die unless the original anger is destroyed. Red Fox…
Scott scrambled back onto the roof.
“I’ve got the…” He stopped, distracting Joe for that split second allowing Red Fox to take his legs out and steal the gun, aiming it at his head.
“No!” Scott cried, dropping the papers and diving for Red Fox. He grabbed him and rolled to the floor. The gun went off, missing Joe’s head. They rolled and tumbled, and Scott eventually dragged Red Fox to his feet.
“Good bye!” Scott sobbed and leapt off of the edge of the skyscraper with Red Fox in his clutches.
“NOOO!” Joe screamed, tears rolling down his cheeks. He watched the two tumbling figures drop and accelerate before coming to an abrupt halt.
Like a candle blowing out every Flamer vanished. The Mods gained their feet and followed Max up the steps to heaven. A voice sounded out in the distance.
“Close shave, Joe, close shave!”
END