NationStates Jolt Archive

The NationStates Superstars competition is a bid to find the greatest all-round athlete outside of RL. Participants compete in a series of events from the 100m to the legendary gym tests, taking in the swimming and soccer among others.

There are eight events in total; participants are removed from the event closest to the specialism they have adopted in their career (so soccer players are yanked out of the soccer, and (more subtly) rowers are yanked out of the kayaking) and can opt out of another, leaving a total of six events. The event takes place over a weekend, four events taking place on each day. The schedule is as follows:

DAY ONE
100m
Swimming (50m freestyle)
Kayaking (120m)
Gym tests

DAY TWO
800m
Golf
Soccer
Mountain biking (600m uphill)

Fill in this entry form and you're away:

Name:
Specialist event [can be any event, not just a Superstars one]:
Upper body strength:
Lower body strength (cannot differ from upper body strength by more than 1):
Coordination:
Speed:
Endurance:
Opt-out event:

(all scores are out of 10; total points to use 30)

Each country can enter two athletes. Here are the Progressan entries:

Name: Faiwe Irafma
Specialist event: Soccer
Upper body strength: 5
Lower body strength: 6
Coordination: 6
Speed: 7
Endurance: 6
Opt-out event: Kayaking

Name: Binro Bizztak
Specialist event: 1500m
Upper body strength: 6
Lower body strength: 6
Coordination: 4
Speed: 7
Endurance: 7
Opt-out event: Golf

(Edit for distances of kayaking/cycling)

Name: Laurence Wellden
Specialist event: Soccer
Upper body strength: 4
Lower body strength: 5
Coordination: 6
Speed: 6
Endurance: 9
Opt-out event: Swimming

Name: Alec Mitchell
Specialist event: Field Hockey
Upper body strength: 7
Lower body strength: 6
Coordination: 7
Speed: 6
Endurance: 2
Opt-out event: Mountain biking

Alec Mitchell only has 28 points allotted to him... is this deliberate?

List of competitors with the events they've been removed from (by choice or otherwise):

Faiwe Irafma, KZP (misses kayaking and soccer)
Binro Bizztak, KZP (misses 800m and golf)
Laurence Wellden, TBF (misses swimming and soccer)
Alec Mitchell, TBF (misses golf and biking)
Harald Axewielder, CBS (misses 800m and soccer)
Tom Aitkin, CBS (misses golf and biking)
Knuckles, SNS (misses kayaking and soccer)
Hanratty, SNS (misses soccer and biking)
Trevor Williams, NCD (misses swimming and biking)
Trevor chapman, NCD (misses 100m and biking)
Sean Bendy, HAS (misses kayak and golf)
James Milton, HAS (misses gym tests and soccer)

Name: Harald Axewielder
Specialist event: Soccer (football)
Upper body strength: 6
Lower body strength: 7
Coordination: 6
Speed: 6
Endurance: 5
Opt-out event: 800m

Name: Tom Aitkin
Specialist event: Cricket (bowling)
Upper body strength: 7
Lower body strength: 6
Coordination: 5
Speed: 7
Endurance: 5
Opt-out event: Biking

EDIT: Whoops. Axewielder was designed a bit more of a superstar than he really is ;)

The Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages puts forward the following entries for The Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38:

Name: Knuckles
Specialist event: Soccer
Upper body strength: 6
Lower body strength: 6
Coordination: 7
Speed: 6
Endurance: 5
Opt-out event: Kayaking

Name: Hanratty
Specialist event: Soccer
Upper body strength: 5
Lower body strength: 5
Coordination: 7
Speed: 7
Endurance: 6
Opt-out event: Mountain Biking

Two NEWI Cefn Druids sporting 'heroes' (like we have any) to take part in NS Superstars:

Name: Trevor Williams
Specialist event: Indy Racing
Upper body strength: 4
Lower body strength: 5
Coordination: 7
Speed: 6
Endurance: 8
Opt-out event: Swimming

Name: Trevor Chapman
Specialist event: Handball
Upper body strength: 7
Lower body strength: 7
Coordination: 5
Speed: 9
Endurance: 2
Opt-out event: Mountain Biking

Halfassed would like to send the following representatives:

name: Sean Bendy
event: Field Hockey
upper: 5
lower: 5
co-ord: 7
speed: 7
endure: 6
opt out: Kayak

name: James Milton
event: Football
upper: 6
lower: 5
co-ord: 4
speed: 8
endure: 7
Opt out: Gym

That's twelve entries. I think that'll do.

The competition will begin on this thread tomorrow.

100m :

Binro Bizztak 11.55 (10pts)
James Milton 11.62 (7pts)
Tom Aitkin 12.19 (4pts)
Alec Mitchell 12.25 (2pts)
Laurence Wellden 12.32 (1pt)
Faiwe Irafma 12.38
Knuckles 12.43
Harold Axewielder 12.44
Sean Bendy 12.75
Hanratty 12.89
Trevor Williams 13.36

Swimming:

Harold Axewielder 30.36 (10pts)
Sean Bendy 30.82 (7pts)
Alec Mitchell 30.89 (4pts)
Hanratty 31.15 (2pts)
James Milton 31.32 (1pt)
Knuckles 32.32
Faiwe Irafma 33.24
Binro Bizztak 33.40
Trevor Williams 33.44
Tom Aitkin 33.69

Kayaking:

Tom Aitkin 47.15 (10pts)
Binro Bizztak 47.18 (7pts)
Harold Axewielder 48.34 (4pts)
Sean Bendy 49.28 (2pts)
James Milton 50.42 (1pt)
Laurence Wellden 50.62
Hanratty 53.52
Trevor Williams 53.61
Trevor Chapman 55.27
Alec Mitchell 56.00

Gym tests (all scores are squat thrusts + dips):

Tom Aitkin 83+ 41 =124 (10pts)
Binro Bizztak 74+ 43 =117 (5.5pts)
Sean Bendy 82+ 35=117 (5.5pts)
Alec Mitchell 76+ 39= 115 (1.5pts)
Harold Axewielder 76 +39= 115(1.5pts)
Trevor Williams 79 +34= 113
Faiwe Irafma 81 +32 =113
Laurence Wellden 73 +40= 113
Trevor Chapman 78+ 32 =110
Hanratty 71+ 35= 106
Knuckles 74 +31= 105

Total scores:

Tom Aitkin - 24pts
Binro Bizztak - 22.5pts
Harold Axewielder - 15.5pts
Sean Bendy - 12.5pts
James Milton - 10pts
Alec Mitchell - 7.5pts
Laurence Wellden - 2pts
Hanratty - 2pts

Scuttlebutt - Evening Edition

Execution Edict Interdicted
Kaze Progressa Mike Easter, aspn wire

The Nationstates Superstars Competition got underway in Kaze Progressa today. The competition features some of the finest athletes in the world, representing their countries, pitted against one another in eight grueling events over a two day period. This years competition includes athletes from Kaze Progressa, Halfassedstates, NEWI Cefn Druids, Cockbill Street, Belmorian Scandinavia, and Snub Nose 38 - each of which is being represented by two of it's finest athletes. The Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 is represented by two of our best footballers - Knuckles, and Hanratty.

Four events take place each day.

Day 1 features a 100 meter run, a 50 meter freestyle swim, a 120 meter kayak race, and a set of gymnastic events.

Day 2 consists of an 800 meter run, a round of golf, soccer skills competition, and a 600 meter uphill mountain biking event.

Following todays events the scores, listed below, for each athlete were announced.

Total scores:

Tom Aitkin (CS) - 24pts
Binro Bizztak (KP) - 22.5pts
Harold Axewielder (CS) - 15.5pts
Sean Bendy (H) - 12.5pts
James Milton (H) - 10pts
Alec Mitchell (BS) - 7.5pts
Laurence Wellden (BS) - 2pts
Hanratty (SN) - 2pts
Knuckles (SN) - 0
Faiwe Irafma (KP) - 0
Trevor Williams (NCD) - 0
Trevor Chapman (NCD) - 0

Immediatley following the release of the scores, The Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages for the Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 issued an edict directing the immediate execution of both Hanratty and Knuckles for "being pathetic, bungling, idiots and embarassing the entire nation of Snub Nose 38."

After a little over two hours, an employee of the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages who gave her name only as "Margaret" sent out a press release interdicting the execution edict. Luckily for these two gentlemen the competition is NOT taking place in Snub Nose 38, or the summary executions would have taken place before this "Margaret" arranged to have the executions canceled. We've been led to believe that this "Margaret" pointed out to the Minister how key these two fellows are to the Snub Nose 38 national football side, the Hooligans.

Upon hearing the executions were off, Messers Knuckles and Hanratty stopped the process of applying for refugee status in Kaze Progressa.

It should be interesting to see what tomorrow brings.

Swimming:...

Trevor Williams 33.44


Trevor Williams opted out of the swimming, Trevor Chapman should be in instead. Not that it matters too much...

Ted Anchorman: "...and finally tonight, we're off to Kaze Progressa, where two of NEWI Cefn Druids' top sportsmen are competing in the NationStates Superstars games. Joining us there by satellite is our reporter, Trevor West. Trevor, how have the two competing Druids done so far?"

Trevor West: "Well to put it in simple terms, awful. Think of the field hockey team who were the worst at the World Cup, think of the football team who haven't won a game - this ranks alongside these in the NEWI Cefn Druids Hall of Sporting Absurdity."

TA: "So how exactly did our boys do?"

TW: "Well I don't want to give too much away, as the recordings are not due to be aired on CBN for another couple of weeks, but put it this way, there's been at least one Druid in the last three in each event."

TA: "Not good then?"

TW: "No."

TA: "And just who are these people representing our nation in such typical Druid-esque fashion?"

TW: "Just so you know, in case you aren't familiar with them, one is Racing Driver Trevor Williams, who is just about to set out in his Indy Racing campaign after this, and the other is Trevor Chapman, who has just got back from being part of the Druids' most successful sporting team after finishing fifth at the handball world cup."

TA: "So do you think that fatigue might be a factor?"

TW: "Perhaps for Chapman, Ted, as he has just arrived back from a gruelling campaign, but I think Williams just wants to get the ordeal over with, get his pay-cheque and get out of here."

TA: "Just like all Druids sportsmen seem to be nowadays, eh?"

*TW forces a bad fake giggle out, like you do when a mad uncletells you a really bad joke that he thinks is the best thing since they invented flush toilets (not since sliced bread, as it is eaten by the loaf in NCD).*

TA: "Finally, is there anyone in particular we should look out for when the show hits our screens?"

TW: "Well look out for the Cockbill Street representatives, as they're going very well so far, as is Binro Bizztak in front of his home crowd, but to see just how it shapes out, we best leave it the few weeks until you see the show for yourselves."

TA: "Trevor West, thank you..."

Day two results are coming later.

We would like to inform those in doubt that the golf is a 'target golf' contest - each player has five shots at an archery-style target on an island green with points awarded depending upon how close the ball is to the hole.

As for the soccer/football, that involves dribbling round a series of cones before shooting at the goalkeeper (in this case, retired Progressan goalkeeper Eaka Palera). Each player has three shots. Competitors are sorted first by the number of goals and then by time.

OOC note: TV and radio doesn't exist in Cockbill Street, as such. There is a clacks system, however, that works rather like the telegraph. I imagine that a guy translates every word said in the box into clacks code, and then it's sent from Kaze Progressa back to Cockbill Street (a row of towers have been enacted for this purpose), where some other guy translates it back again and posts the commentary up on the wall. Rather complicated, but what this means is that the citizens of Cockbill Street get exactly the same as you.

Oh, and this will drift off-topic because of a good idea I had. Sorry about that. Still, this is the RP I'm most pleased with :)

IC: Sasha Anderson: Hello and welcome to today's clacks coverage of the Superstars of the sporting world - sponsored by the Inquirer. I'm Sasha Anderson, and I'll be your main presente rof today's show - where two Cockbill Street sportsmen fight against the Craime dou la Craime of the sporting world.

Our representatives in this competition are Harald Axewielder, who threw himself onto the coach after the fantastic 4-1 win over The Lowland Clans in the world cup qualifiers, and Tom Aitkin, who has generously been given leave from the Kelwanese (OOC: my region) cricket tournament, where he is currently tearing opposing batsmen apart, they tell me.

With me in the box I have Pete Jones, who know Aitkin well due to the time they have spent together with the Rats, and self-declared sports devourer and expert, journalist for the C-mail, Neil Blackstone.

Pete Jones: His chances are very good. He has been in excellent form lately, bar that blip against Spurland, and his mental abilities are second to no other athlete in Cockbill Street.

SA: Why? What's so special about this guy's mind?

PJ: Well, you know, he has this extraordinary attitude to sport. He never sees anything as a problem - he's ruled completely in Kelwana this season with 21 wickets in 2 games, and I can almost guarantee you his success will continue internationally. Also, his batting has been much better recently - probably more due to determination than to technique though.

SA: So he doesn't have much of a skill when it comes to batting, does he?

PJ: I never said that - a guy who hasn't got out in two tests ought to have some batting qualities. Of course, Tom mightn't be doing everything out the holy Book of Batting, but he certainly knows how to defend his wicket and hit those fours once in a while. But what really counts, of course, and the reason why he is in the team, is the way he can rip through a top order faster than you can say "35 for 4". You just give him the cherry, and tell him to bowl a quickie, and the meter reads 95-96mph instantly. He is incredibly consistent too - I've never seen such a bowler.

SA: Well, fascinating, but we have to let our other commentator get a word in as well. Neil Blackstone, you have been writing C-mail reports about football, cricket, rugby, handball, and generally most other sports you can think of. Are there any sports you haven't written about?

NB: Don't think I've written about taekwondo yet - I do know the sport exists here, but as far as I know there are only 10 who practise it. Though I always try to get into the rules of any sport I hear about.

SA: So, could you enlighten us as to how well you think Harald Axewielder will perform today?

NB: I am a bit worried about him. He had a bit of a form slump along the rest of the team before the game against Beestings, and he didn't play as well as most papers make out against the Lowlanders. He is not the whole of the team, and that game proved that. He's not been himself lately. Funny, that reminds of someone in close vicinity...

SA: Well, the 100m is about to begin, as the first event of the Superstars here at Kaza, Kaze Progressa. Any bets in from my fellow commentators?

PJ: I reckon Tom'll win it - anyone who's seen his runup will know his lightning pace. Axewielder will finish in the top six I think.

NB: It's clear that's somebody's betting abilities is as bad as their batting abilities. Axewielder in the top four, Aitkin to be around 8th.

PJ: What exactly did you mean by that first comment?

NB: Nothing - except that you should take a good peek at your batting statistics for Kelwanese cricket.

PJ: I know I've been a bit out of my game lately, but I'm certain it'll only be a minor form slump.

NB: While you're at it, ask your mate Aitkin to bowl you some pretty nasty balls - ones that force you to play off the back foot.

PJ: There's nothing wrong with my back foot technique!

NB: There are no double posts...

PJ: Listen mate, just because I got myself out playing stupid shots, coincidentally, yes, off the back foot, doesn't mean that I'm not a goodbatsmen.

NB: Coincidentally, eh? As far as I can count, you've had to make roughly 20 shots off the back foot in this tournament. You've messed up four, to give you an almighty average of 9.50. Aitkin is better than that! Thank some spirits that the Adariben bowlers won't be good enough to recognise that...

PJ: What about that 134 off 126 balls against Shonar Bangla in the opening balls in the one-dayers?

NB: Luck! They kept bowling short balls at you - somebody ought to go there and tell them something about line and length, but that's another story - anyway, you could just charge down the pitch and bat off the front foot, then loft it back and score runs to long on.

PJ: They did not!

NB: You played the game! You should know!

SA: Yes, yes, obviously a very interesting discussion about Pete's batting abilities, I'm sure. However, the 100m has just finished, and I'm sure our readers would like to know that Binro Bizztak won with 11.55, 64 hundredths of a second ahead of Tom Aitkin in third, while Harald Axewielder finished 8th. Could we perhaps get back to the matter at hand, please?

NB: Why? 100m is boring anyway. Over in ten seconds.

SA: That is so not true! 10 seconds of extreme excitement.

NB: More like, 10 seconds of getting used to the settings before it is all over. Pah. Boring.

SA: Yeah. And cricket is supposed to be the height of excitement, now, is it.

(noises of people getting out of the chair and starting a fight)

NB: Erm, excuse us. Miss Anderson just passed out for a minute there.

SA: I DID NOT! I'm here, and for your information, I hate cricket!

(more fighting)

NB: We are sorry that these sentiments about our national sport has been expressed on national...

SA: No, we are not sorry at all.

NB: Look. Cricket is exciting. Contents between batsmen and bowler. Bowler toiling for ages before finally getting a breakthrough. That breakthrough changing the context of the game completely, in a blink of an eye.

SA: Blink of an eye? More like, half an hour's nap because the game is so boring.

NB: Boring? Boring! Batsmen scoring 90 off 114 balls, then suddenly getting nerves because they're so close to the century? Recovering from 170/6 to chase 355 successfully? You can never be certain with that sport...

PJ: Look there! Harald is leading the field!

NB: Who cares? I have to convince this infidel first.

SA: Infidel? Just because I don't like a sport which takes five days to complete?

PJ: Look, this doesn't take five days, and it's only a couple of seconds till Axewielder is gonna win - yes, he's done it! He's taken 10 points for Cockbill Street! What a performance!

NB: Shut up, you ferret. Cricket is actually the only sport where we keep winning! Have you noticed that? Despite Pete's best efforts, we're actually winning games! Have you heard of the football team winning important games? Handball team? Rugby team? Don't even go there.

SA: So I have to support the sports where we're doing well, even though they are hell on earth to watch?

NB: I have a feeling I'm not going to convince you here. Have you even watched a game?

SA: Er...no...

NB: Ah! So you have based your opinions on what other people have told you?

SA: Well, yeah...

NB: Look, I'm not even gonna bother discuss the excitement of cricket with someone who's not even watched the sport.

SA: I suppose not. Well, as Pete said earlier, Harald Axewielder won the swimming event with the splendid time of 30.36 over 50 metres, while Tom Aitkin finished a disappointing 10th and last in this event. The kayaking event is just about to...

PJ: What on earth is kayaking?

NB: Ah, unknowledgeable as well I see.

PJ: Look, I was only asking.

SA: It's a sport where you use your kayak...

PJ: What's a kayak?

SA: A kind of boat, very narrow, that you use a paddle to steer.

PJ: Oh.

NB: Yep. Very tiring on your back and arms to paddle like that for a long time. As you said, Miss Anderson the non-cricket-watcher, it's just started, and contestant number 4 happens to be our dear collapser's team-mate.

PJ and SA: WATCH YOUR FOUL MOUTH!

NB: Oh, honest opinions aren't allowed, are they, now? Oh, sorry. I'll just ignore the fact that Miss Anderson here could freely insult my favourite sport, while I can not voice my opinions about you two. Indeed yes.

PJ: Insulting sports is one thing, people quite another.

NB: I do not see why.

SA: OK, let's stop this right now, before our readers get annoyed. Because Tom Aitkin has just paddled his way to 47.15, three hundredths better than the next best time, which was Binro Bizztak, and now comes Harald Axewielder.

NB: Ah, who cares. I mean, come on, what is the point of setting people out on such short tests? No event takes more than a minute - can't be that much a test of endurance surely?

SA: That's not the point. The point is to test who is the best allrounder. Anyway, you're hired to commentate on this thing, not to be critical to the system.

NB: Ah! Trying to prevent me from voicing my opinions again, are we, Miss Cricket-Hater?

SA: No! It's just that you get money from the broadcasting company - they could withdraw that if you didn't like the concept.

NA: I'm sitting right here! They can't censor...

(muffled fighting noises heard)

Unknown, bossy voice: This has been a broadcast for the Cockbill Street clacks service. Due to technical difficulties, the rest of the evening's schedule is interrupted. For the rest of this sheet, there will be replayed coverage of the cricket match between Cockbill Street and Zeta Quadrant. Thank you and good night.

PJ (from afar): Not that game again!!

OOC: that was a FANTASTIC bit of RPing :)

Also, I'm only going to post two events now - the final two are coming tomorrow...

800m:

Hanratty 128.55 (10pts)
Laurence Wellden 134.69 (7pts)
Tom Aitkin 136.13 (4pts)
Trevor Williams 138.54 (2pts)
James Milton 143.49 (1pt)
Faiwe Irafma 145.91
Sean Bendy 151.33
Knuckles 152.72
Trevor Chapman 162.51
Alec Mitchell 172.22

Golf:

Hanratty 10 (10pts)
Knuckles 8 (7pts)
Faiwe Irafma 7 (3pts)
Laurence Wellden 7 (3pts)
Trevor Chapman 5 (1pt)
James Milton 4
Harold Axewielder 3
Trevor Williams 1

Total scores:

Tom Aitkin - 28pts
Binro Bizztak - 22.5pts
Hanratty - 22pts
Harold Axewielder - 15.5pts
Sean Bendy - 12.5pts
Laurence Wellden - 12pts
James Milton - 11pts
Alec Mitchell - 7.5pts
Knuckles - 7pts
Faiwe Irafma - 3pts
Trevor Williams - 2pts
Trevor Chapman - 1pt

Nice RP CS.

Just a quick OCC: Bendy should be on 14.5 and Milton on 10.
Will try to RP a bit later on, but have a meeting this afternoon so not sure when i'll get the time.

Ps. puppetastic!

Soccer:
Alec Mitchell 3 goals in 37.25 (10pts)
Tom Aitkin 3 goals in 41.42 (7pts)
Sean Bendy 2 goals in 34.34 (4pts)
Trevor Chapman 2 goals in 35.13 (2pts)
Trevor Williams 2 goals in 38.10 (1pt)
Binro Bizztak 1 goal in 42.36


Cycling:
Laurence Wellden 119.15 (10pts)
Knuckles 158.39 (7pts)
Binro Bizztak 159.95 (4pts)
Faiwe Irafma 170.19 (2pts)
Harold Axewielder 173.58 (1pt)
James Milton 200.70
Sean Bendy 256.06

Final scores:
Tom Aitkin - 35pts
Binro Bizztak - 26.5pts
Hanratty - 22pts
Laurence Wellden - 22pts
Sean Bendy - 18.5pts
Alec Mitchell - 17.5pts
Harold Axewielder - 16.5pts
Knuckles - 14pts
James Milton - 10pts
Faiwe Irafma - 5pts
Trevor Williams - 3pts
Trevor Chapman - 3pts

Name: alex rooger
Specialist event: Soccer
Upper body strength: 5
Lower body strength: 6
Coordination: 7
Speed: 7
Endurance: 6
Opt-out event: golf




Name: harry järg
Specialist event: Soccer
Upper body strength: 6
Lower body strength: 7
Coordination: 7
Speed: 7
Endurance: 6
Opt-out event: golf

Unfortunately NS Superstars has now ended its first run - but we welcome your competitors for the second run, which should happen.

(OOC: shoulda changed the title of the thread :p)

The Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcholic Beverages steps to the podium.

"hmph!...The Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages extend our congratulations to Tom Aitkin on a well deserved win in the Superstars Competition. Cockbill Street should be proud to have been represented by this fine athlete.

We would also like to congratulate Hanratty for placing third, and continuing to show the world what fine athletes the Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 produces.

Knuckles...will be...um...medically evaluated, to determine what caused one of our finest athletes to show so poorly. One thing is certain - Knuckles will not represent the Frost-Free Borderlands in any future Superstars Competitions.

We extend our sincere thanks to Kaze Progressa, for the fine job they did organizing and hosting this event. Our thanks as well to all who participated - there can be no event without participants.

We have to catch a flight back to Snub Nose 38, and haven't much time, so unfortunately we can't take any questions.

Thank you."

*We are in the home of Trevor Righteous, son of one of the popular sixties group ‘The Righteous Brothers’, and his wife Eleanor. They are sitting together on their couch watching TV*

Announcer: “…and Pie of the Day will be back at the same time next week. Next on CBN, the second part of NationStates Superstars.”

Eleanor: “What’s that, then, Darlin’?”

Trevor: “Well, Dear, it’s a competition where all the best sportsmen from around NationStates go to see who the best is.”

Eleanor: “And who is the best?”

Trevor: “They haven’t done it all yet?”

Eleanor: “So what’s the point?”

Trevor: “I’ve just told you that.”

Eleanor: “Did you?” *Trevor nods* “Oh.”

*Intro music plays in background, then*

Sound from TV: “Hi, I’m Trevor Vessel, and welcome to Kaze Progressa for the second part of NationStates Superstars.”

Eleanor: “Is there any Druids in it?”

Trevor: “Two”

Eleanor: “Are they any good?”

Trevor: “Since when has any Druid been good at sport?”

Eleanor: “True… So why did they enter, then?”

*No response*

TV: “…as they line up for the eight-hundred metres…”

The show continues until they reach the end of the race

Eleanor: “Is this supposed to be comedy?”

Trevor: “No, why?”

Eleanor: “Well that Trevor Chapman’s running like he’s forgotten to tie his laces.”

Trevor: “Look – he has!”

Eleanor: “Jeesh… So what’s next?”

TV: “Well, next up is golf…”

Eleanor: “Golf? What do they do? Play a round?”

TV: “…and all our superstars have to do is get the ball as close to the hole as they can.”

Eleanor: “Well how hard can that be”

Trevor: “Well here’s our Trevor Williams now. Let’s see…”

Eleanor: “Dear Lord!!! Did he just…”

Trevor: “…hit it sideways!!! I bet he couldn’t do that if he tried!!!”

Eleanor: “Dear oh dear. Oh look, he’s broke the camera now!”

Trevor “That takes some doing!”

Eleanor: “So he’s one of ours, right.”

Trevor: “Hmmmmmmm. But, oh look, our other guy’s got a point from it!”

Eleanor: “Wow! So how are they doing?”

TV: “…and our two Druids are at the bottom of the table, with just three points between them.”

Eleanor “Ah, the adverts are on now. I’ll go and make a cuppa and a pie.”

Trevor: “But pies take ages to make?”

Eleanor: “You think I want to watch our nation being embarrassed like this?”

Trevor: “You watch the football and the field hockey when it’s on.”

Eleanor: “But we win at them.”

Trevor: “We’ve never won at either of them.”

Eleanor: “Haven’t we?”

Trevor: “No.”

Eleanor: “Oh… well I’m going out then.”

Trevor: “I’ll come with you!”

*Trevor turns off TV and they leave. Not that they missed any Druid action, though as both competitors scored two goals from their three shots, reports in some sections of the NEWI Cefn Druids press have suggested that they could start up front in the nation’s football team’s last qualifying match. The FANCD Laughed off all rumours, as, they stated, Trevor Williams will be driving in Nanakaland at the time.*