NationStates Jolt Archive

The anthem of eMerikkka, "God Save The President", plays on the television, broadcast nationwide via 31st Century FaXx

News Announcer: Our beloved president Carl Finnegan issued this statement to the people of the United States from the Oval Office this morning in response to recent terrorist actions committed in Noh Wair, Kansas last September.

The grave face of President Carl Finnegan appears upon the screen, staring soulfully from an imposing oaken wood desk

http://www.newseum.org/warstories/interviews/images/jpages/hs/rooney.jpg

"My fellow eMerikkkans. I come to you today to speak upon the behalf of all the people of Noh Wair, who were struck by the most awful act of terrorism ever committed on eMerikkkan soil. Know that, so long as you continue to fund my administration, I shall ALWAYS seek to fulfill my sworn duty as President of eMerikkka. Pursuant to this, I am using my God-given powers as President to begin a full-scale mobilisation of the military. From this moment hereon the United States is in a state of war on ants! In the interest of protecting democracy, liberty, and the eMerikkkan people, I am declaring a complete overhaul of our society, beginning with the total militarisation of eMerikkka, the installation of numerous new security measures, including tiny little cameras and microphones in all public spaces, an increase in funding to the Department of Defence, the entitlement of unlimited powers to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and finally, the overturning of all congressional authority to the Executive Branch.

Know that I shall do everything I can and more, to protect eMerikkka from the vagaries of foreign terror."

Cut to news anchor

And that was Our beloved president Finnegan, from the Oval Office. This is Morty Shaw, FaXx News.

The first thing that changed in George Smith's life when President Carl Finnegan declared war on the ants was that there were always men clad in urban camouflage gear walking down the sidewalk, shooting poison gas at every hole in the lawn that they spotted. He was woken up one cloudy Monday to the sound of eight thousand aeroplane engines roaring overhead.

"Ugh... are they carpet bombing again?" groaned Elise from the bed, wrapping a pillow around her head.

"Looks like they're headed for Yosemite, by the way they're going," said George, watching the bombers move, a buzzing swarm, over the city.

"Ugh. Shut the blinds. I'm trying to get some sleep."

George shut the blinds and a few minutes thereafter, like clockwork, on snapped the television, playing the default channel, FaXx. It was another update on the war on ants. It seemed that they had begun encountering some resistance down in the Bay Area, especially around Berkeley and San Francisco.

Those crazy Berkeleyans, thought George, somewhat boredly, Always fussing over some animal or another. They're just ants, goddamnit!

"No more will innocent eMerikkkan picnickers have to suffer from the looming threat of ants..." droned the voice of the President on FaXx.

Yeah, of course.

Secretly, George wondered what insect the President would declare war on next. First it was ants. When he went to work, the popular coffee room debate topic was where the war on ants would take them next. Bob, his best friend, co-worker and neighbour, had declared the other day that they'd declare war on bumblebees next.

"They're fat, buzzing, and there are plenty of 'em. Possibly enough to be dangerous to eMerikkka. And you know they're all lurking among us."

Bob was a nice fellow, though somewhat dumb. He tended to believe what he was told, which meant that his political views varied wildly from day to day.

George stared at the television in the living room in the bathroom mirror as he scratched at black stubble.

"This just in. President Finnegan has just declared that the second phase of the War on Ants is to begin, with the mobilisation of a military force to attack well-known ant-supporters: the bumblebees. Prime Minister Tony Blair has voiced his obsequious approval while ardently kissing our Beloved President's toes this morning on live television. The well-known Frenchie president, traitor to the eMerikkkan people and self-proclaimed ant-lover, has blatantly accused..."

Well.

Bob was right after all.

Carl Finnegan arched his fingers in a dramatically evil gesture, staring out at the well-manicured concrete lawns of the White House from his large armchair.

Outside soldiers marched to and fro, practising goose-stepping and 'Hailing', a curious gesture in which one thrust one's right arm out and did the Vulcan split-finger salute. Unused to the new administration's new policies, many a soldier was injured on duty while Hailing the President, and consequently, this was the cause of most casualties in the War on Ants.

"Mister President?" asked Rick Calhoun, the beanie-wearing Vice President.

"Yes, what is it, Mister Vice President?"

"It's about the crucifixions..."

"Oh?" President Finnegan raised one eyebrow quizzically. There was a crash outside as, with great applause and clapping (and much outthrust hands, Hailing), the Washington Monument was pulled down with a loud crash and a massive statue of himself was raised."

"Could they be moved across the Potomac? I tend to see them in clear view when I go for my noonday walks, and the smell of rotting flesh is quite uh.... unpleasant."

"I'll put it on my to-do list," said Carl Finnegan with a dismissive wave of his hand. The Vice President bowed at the waist and walked out.

Finnegan turned around and a new plan to protect the rights of eMerikkkans everywhere sprouted in his head, like a large mushroom cloud detonated over a flock of sheep.

"This is Morty Shaw of FaXx News. Spontaneous demonstrations occurred in government fortresses all across the country today, when Our Beloved President has banned the alamanac...