Tanah Burung
30-12-2003, 04:13
(For back story, see World Cup threads. This is about as serious as your average sports-related thread.)
A bedraggled association football team steps off the blimp bringing them home from yet another World Cup failure. They are the Tanah Burung Crocodiles, once a football power, now stuck in the doldrums of mid-20 world rankings.
Team manager Bi Kikere, recently elected as the people's representative (minister) for sports & territorial defence, steps up to the microphone. Her scarred countenance, normally smiling, has a determined and angry expression.
"Friends, countrymen, we have played superlative football. For years i have denied the rumour that the Crocodiles play under a curse. I have dismissed it as mere superstition. Today, i come before you to say: The Curse is real. Nothing else can explain why we play like world-beaters, and then collapse suddenly in the presence of dark forces. Dark forces like the unholy things that brought Lemmitania to the World Cup. Dark forces eminating from a certain country called Gilmeecia. Gilmeecia, author of all our misfortunes."
Bi Kikere clears her throat and begins, slowly and with grim voice, to list her evidence.
"Once, we were great. I was managing the Crocodiles, back in World Cup 6. We were hot, on fire with victories. Then we reached the Cup, and were drawn to play in the Cursed City of Lemmington. We lost, and lost disastrously. I was fired, blamed for the loss. But it was not my fault. I can now reveal, the city of Lemmington is cursed! Built on top of a Hellmouth, it emanated evil. Evil that struck hardest at a devout people like us.
"World Cup Seven: Again we landed in Lemmington, source of evil. Again we suffered grievously. Again, the Hellmouth was to blame. The blow was so severe that we failed to even qualify for World Cup 8. And during those two Cups, i was away from this country, coaching the half-sapient footballers of Gilmeecia. Where a certain Lou Gilsterson, an international gangster who styles himself 'president' of that rat-ass little country, tried to have me killed.
"And now that i'm back home, now that i'm back coaching the Crocodiles, let's look at what's happened. That bastard Lou had the Hellmouth moved from Lemmitania to Gilmeecia. His entire country is over-run with the living dead. That's bad enough. But even worse, the Hellmouth continues to curse our football team. We didn't lose a single match in qualifiers, except to Lemmitania. Then we were doing fine at the World Cup, until false information from Lemmitania jinxed us. It's obvious to me, as long as this Hellmouth remains open, Tanah Burung's sporting efforts will remain under a curse."
She takes a deep breath, and raises her voice. "Today, i serve notice to Gilmeecia: CLOSE THE HELLMOUTH. Close it immediately, or we will gather a force that will close it for you. We may devote 90% of our military budget to sports, but i warn you: WE ARE AN ARMY! No amount of Zompires can stand against our faith. Stand in my way, Lou, and you'll know learn the true meaning of Arsekickingmas."
A bedraggled association football team steps off the blimp bringing them home from yet another World Cup failure. They are the Tanah Burung Crocodiles, once a football power, now stuck in the doldrums of mid-20 world rankings.
Team manager Bi Kikere, recently elected as the people's representative (minister) for sports & territorial defence, steps up to the microphone. Her scarred countenance, normally smiling, has a determined and angry expression.
"Friends, countrymen, we have played superlative football. For years i have denied the rumour that the Crocodiles play under a curse. I have dismissed it as mere superstition. Today, i come before you to say: The Curse is real. Nothing else can explain why we play like world-beaters, and then collapse suddenly in the presence of dark forces. Dark forces like the unholy things that brought Lemmitania to the World Cup. Dark forces eminating from a certain country called Gilmeecia. Gilmeecia, author of all our misfortunes."
Bi Kikere clears her throat and begins, slowly and with grim voice, to list her evidence.
"Once, we were great. I was managing the Crocodiles, back in World Cup 6. We were hot, on fire with victories. Then we reached the Cup, and were drawn to play in the Cursed City of Lemmington. We lost, and lost disastrously. I was fired, blamed for the loss. But it was not my fault. I can now reveal, the city of Lemmington is cursed! Built on top of a Hellmouth, it emanated evil. Evil that struck hardest at a devout people like us.
"World Cup Seven: Again we landed in Lemmington, source of evil. Again we suffered grievously. Again, the Hellmouth was to blame. The blow was so severe that we failed to even qualify for World Cup 8. And during those two Cups, i was away from this country, coaching the half-sapient footballers of Gilmeecia. Where a certain Lou Gilsterson, an international gangster who styles himself 'president' of that rat-ass little country, tried to have me killed.
"And now that i'm back home, now that i'm back coaching the Crocodiles, let's look at what's happened. That bastard Lou had the Hellmouth moved from Lemmitania to Gilmeecia. His entire country is over-run with the living dead. That's bad enough. But even worse, the Hellmouth continues to curse our football team. We didn't lose a single match in qualifiers, except to Lemmitania. Then we were doing fine at the World Cup, until false information from Lemmitania jinxed us. It's obvious to me, as long as this Hellmouth remains open, Tanah Burung's sporting efforts will remain under a curse."
She takes a deep breath, and raises her voice. "Today, i serve notice to Gilmeecia: CLOSE THE HELLMOUTH. Close it immediately, or we will gather a force that will close it for you. We may devote 90% of our military budget to sports, but i warn you: WE ARE AN ARMY! No amount of Zompires can stand against our faith. Stand in my way, Lou, and you'll know learn the true meaning of Arsekickingmas."