NationStates Jolt Archive

Winners of the 3rd Arachne Cup - The Edenstein "Test Subjects"

ARACHNE CUP RESULTS:
Edenstein Test Subjects - 1
Little Miss Muffet Muffeteers - 0

The Giant Evil Spider Football League, founded by Dire Arachnia, has just completed it's third season. The final results, and new rankings for the GESFL are:
[code:1:913a247bfb]# Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Edenstein 14 9 3 2 21 9 12 30 (won Arachne Cup)
2 Little Miss Muffet 14 10 1 3 20 9 11 31
3 Dire Arachnia 14 6 4 4 17 14 3 22
4 Tanah Tarantula 14 6 3 5 19 18 1 21
5 Oglethorpia 14 5 1 8 15 19 -4 16
6 Warnocks Wizards 14 4 4 6 14 18 -4 16
7 Pedriana 14 2 5 7 12 23 -11 11
8 Oddslavo 14 2 3 9 14 20 -6 9[/code:1:913a247bfb]
Premier Season Arachne Cup Winners: Oglethorpia
Second place: Edenstein
Third place: Dire Arachnia

Second Season Arachne Cup Winners: Edenstein
Second place: Little Miss Muffet
Third place: Oglethorpia

Third Season Arachne Cup Winners: Edenstein
Second place: Little Miss Muffet
Third place: Dire Arachnia

Matchday 1 Results
Edenstein 0 Little Miss Muffet 1
Oglethorpia 0 Oddslavo 0
Dire Arachnia 0 Tanah Tarantula 2
Warnocks Wizards 1 Pedriana 1

Matchday 2 Results
Oglethorpia 0 Edenstein 3
Oddslavo 1 Little Miss Muffet 2
Warnocks Wizards 1 Dire Arachnia 2
Pedriana 2 Tanah Tarantula 1

Matchday 3 Results
Edenstein 3 Oddslavo 2
Little Miss Muffet 1 Oglethorpia 0
Dire Arachnia 1 Pedriana 1
Tanah Tarantula 0 Warnocks Wizards 0

Matchday 4 Results
Dire Arachnia 1 Edenstein 1
Tanah Tarantula 2 Little Miss Muffet 1
Warnocks Wizards 1 Oglethorpia 2
Pedriana 1 Oddslavo 1

Matchday 5 Results
Edenstein 1 Tanah Tarantula 1
Little Miss Muffet 1 Dire Arachnia 0
Oglethorpia 5 Pedriana 0
Oddslavo 0 Warnocks Wizards 1

Matchday 6 Results
Warnocks Wizards 0 Edenstein 2
Pedriana 1 Little Miss Muffet 1
Dire Arachnia 1 Oglethorpia 0
Tanah Tarantula 0 Oddslavo 3

Matchday 7 Results
Edenstein 2 Pedriana 0
Little Miss Muffet 2 Warnocks Wizards 1
Oglethorpia 3 Tanah Tarantula 2
Oddslavo 1 Dire Arachnia 1

Matchday 8 Results
Little Miss Muffet 0 Edenstein 2
Oddslavo 0 Oglethorpia 1
Tanah Tarantula 1 Dire Arachnia 0
Pedriana 1 Warnocks Wizards 2

Matchday 9 Results
Edenstein 1 Oglethorpia 0
Little Miss Muffet 2 Oddslavo 0
Dire Arachnia 2 Warnocks Wizards 2
Tanah Tarantula 2 Pedriana 1

Matchday 10 Results
Oddslavo 1 Edenstein 2
Oglethorpia 0 Little Miss Muffet 2
Pedriana 0 Dire Arachnia 2
Warnocks Wizards 2 Tanah Tarantula 2

Matchday 11 Results
Edenstein 1 Dire Arachnia 0
Little Miss Muffet 3 Tanah Tarantula 0
Oglethorpia 0 Warnocks Wizards 1
Oddslavo 1 Pedriana 2

Matchday 12 Results
Tanah Tarantula 0 Edenstein 1
Dire Arachnia 2 Little Miss Muffet 0
Pedriana 1 Oglethorpia 2
Warnocks Wizards 0 Oddslavo 2

Matchday 13 Results
Edenstein 1 Warnocks Wizards 2
Little Miss Muffet 1 Pedriana 0
Oglethorpia 2 Dire Arachnia 3
Oddslavo 1 Tanah Tarantula 3

Matchday 14 Results
Pedriana 1 Edenstein 1
Warnocks Wizards 0 Little Miss Muffet 3
Tanah Tarantula 3 Oglethorpia 0
Dire Arachnia 2 Oddslavo 1

Puny Humans are welcome to attend GESFL matches. Those who do are reminded that Giant Evil Spiders consider Puny Humans to be snack food, and attend at their own risk.

Disclaimer - On the advice of counsel, the GESFL reminds all ticket holders that Giant Evil Spiders are dangerous, and truly enjoy eating puny humans. Attendance is at the ticket holders own risk. Any implied guarantee that match attendees will leave alive (or in any way except in the stomach of a Giant Evil Spider) is in the mind of the ticket holder only. GESFL, by this disclaimer, is held irresponsible (oops - we mean not responsible) for injury, dismemberment, or the becoming of a meal, that may occur. Please follow the yellow line.

Missive from Octavius Prime, Sultan of Dire Arachnia

O my spiders, and puny human readers as well, I wish to address you today on the subject of the opening of the glorious third season of the Giant Evil Spider Football League. My purposes today are threefold.

First, I would like to remind puny humans that reading the small print at the bottom of any GESFL official announcement is strictly optional, and should not be considered important to your enjoyment of, or attendance at, GESFL matches. Please feel free to purchase your tickets to all Dire Arachnia home matches on Spidertron, online or by telephone at 888-88-888. Do not feel like you need to make any special arangement for travel to our lovely nation; we welcome edible toursits of all varieties with open maws-- I mean-- open arms. We will not eat you. Much.

Second, I would like to announce the brand new Dire Arachnia national side. Having dismissed Maleficus and his band of underachievers after the dismal second season, I have assembled an all-new squad to bring you thrilling victories this season. Also, we have a new nickname. Without further ado, here then for the third GESFL season are your Dire Arachnia Chomping Mandibles:

GK: Aphrodite Hideouminous - * deceased *
Octotron "the Cork" Corpsemuncher - * deceased *
Mongo Octolini

Defenders: Severus Manyfoot
Hannibal Elephantine Octavarion
"Caesar" Augustus Bonechomper

Midfielders: Terribilis "Cobweb" Copperback
Lupus Fangdriver
Octavia Andromort
Lilith Q. Chomp

Forwards: Sanguina Sangria
Genghis Deathbringer
Vlad "the Impaler" Eightfang

Coach: Stompominous Rex

I am assured that this assembly of spiders is far more harrowing than the previous one, and that our opponents will be destroyed in a panicked rage.

Finally, I must sadly report on the results of our opening match against those dratted Tarantulas. The Mandibles lost. Tarantula scored two goals, one in the first half, and one in the second, and we were not able to answer with a single goal of our own. It was a pathetic opening performance, not worthy of a detailed retelling, and as a result, the children of Stompominous Rex will be devoured. Let this serve as a lesson to the rest of the squad.

That is all.

The Pedriana Imperial Gazette
Pedriana's Only News Source

WARNOCKS WIZARDS -- A somewhat nervous José Jones set out yesterday for the land of Warnocks Wizards, his squad of about twenty dire-FIFA spiders in tow. The spiders had not quite finished their training, so it was still uncertain at this point whether Jones would came back alive. Apparently, they got there okay, though, as the spiders did play in their GESFL match against Shelob's Obsession.

Al, the tallest player on the Pedriana team at 11'7" as well as captain of the squad, give the ball a mighty kick at the opening whistle, aimed directly at the WW goal. Or at least in that direction -- the kick was aimed much too high and ended up sailing out of the stadium. Al was promptly yellow-carded for losing the ball. Luckily, this referee was also a Giant Evil Spider and not a puny human; otherwise Al likely would've devoured him and been shown a red card (presumably by another official).

Throughout the match, Las Arañas Grandes showed their inexperience by committing numerous offenses. Fifteen minutes in, Alan was shown the yellow for holding the ball between (or should that be among?) all of his legs. Just a few minutes later, defender Aaron was also shown the yellow for what the human official termed a "handball". After José Jones inquired how that could be possible, the official corrected himself, now calling it an "antenna-ball". The free kick to Warnocks Wizards was immediately blasted into the net, with keeper Brandon just staring at the ball.

Things settled down for the rest of the first half, and no more cards were handed out to the Pedriana players. During halftime, Jones substituted Brian in for the worthless Brandon at goal, and Jack came on for Alan because Alan seemed to be on the verge of being sent off several times and the manager didn't want anything messy.

Travis made a statement to kick off the second half by taking a shot from past the midfield line that somehow snaked its way into the net! Alas, the goal would not count, as Jack had been ruled offside. Travis promptly devoured the human official, and the spider ref waved the red card at him. With Las Arañas Grandes down to ten players and down one goal to none, it was unsure whether they could prevent the loss.

Pedriana's big break came when a WW defender fouled Jesse by kicking him in the eye. The defender was immediately sent off, and Mike prepared to take the penalty kick. It went in, and Pedriana had managed to equalize with five minutes remaining.

Shelob's Obsession made one last attempt to take the lead back, but Nick and Jeff easily removed the threat. When the whistle came, neither team had won, but the Pedriana side were happy nevertheless.

Final score:
Warnocks Wizards 1 (22)
Pedriana 1 (Mike 87)

The Bureaucratic Tribune

GESFL 3rd season kicks off!
Oglethorpia attains draw with Imprisoned Eleven

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- 35,000 human Oglethorpians crowded into the Arkham Testing Range, offshore of the Bureaucratic States' mainland; as giant spiders are not things you want roaming around populated areas. The match on the Arkham Testing Range's dead and wartorn pitch was between Oglethorpia's Dire-FIFA Spider Squad and the Oddslavo Imprisoned Eleven.

The roster for the third season is as follows (following a third renaming of the squad):

[code:1:ff92a5427f]
Oglethorpia GESFL Squad
Giant Evil Spider Football League Season 3

Coach: Ray Krusen*
Goal: Guy

Defense: Guy, Ray, Guy
Midfield: Moe, Guy, Guy, Guy, Moe
Offense: Ray, Guy

Note(s):
Former World Cup coach*

[/code:1:ff92a5427f]

The Bureau of Bureaucracy has arranged for the roster to be retrieved via Form 11-1143A through the Bureaucratic States Record Keeping Hall. Association of Futebol/Football [For The Kingsforders] Director George McDouglas apologized for the lack of interesting names in the third iteration of naming for the Dire-FIFA Spiders -- claiming that he was both tired and not feeling paticularly creative at the time.

The Imprisoned Eleven opened up strongly; but the newly renamed Oglethorpian arachnids seemed not to respond to Ray Krusen's calls, using the new roster for the third season. And with the Oglethorpian spiders not playing any football any longer, it seemed that the Imprisoned Eleven did not do so either; the entire scene a mess of 22 spiders doing nothing but walking around on the pitch of the testing range.

Soon, the unresponding spiders were rounded up by Oglethorpian keepers; the match called at nil-nil after 34 minutes of no footballing whatsoever.

"I don't get it," said one lead Bureaucratic States Armed Forces scientist. "They didn't play any futebol despite coach Krusen's most dire efforts."

Some claim the Dire-FIFA Spiders were confused by their constant name changing -- but it remains to be seen. In due time, training and tests will tell what happened today on the Arkham Testing Range.

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 0
Oddslavo - 0

Shelobs Obsession

1. Alpha Sure-Mandibles - GK
13. Ni Cloudy-Eyes - GK
26. Omega Pool-Lounger - GK

3. Gamma Arachnihelm - DL
21. Fi Icey-Antennae - DL
4. Delta Rockrage (c) - DC
5. Epsilon Bloodfury - DC
15. Omikron Rockweb - DC
2. Vita Gravefeet - DR
22. Psi Iron-Gatherer - DR

6. Zita Deathskin - MC
17. Ro Woodenlegs - MC
8. Thita Goldenweb - ML
18. Sigma Music-Antennae - ML
7. Ita Thunderlegs - MR
10. Kappa Diamondlegs - AMC
16. Pi Web-Weaver - AMC

9. Iota Lightning-Rider - SC
11. Lamda Bloodskull - SC
12. Mia Woodenfeet - SC
14. Xi Hammerlegs - SC
19. Tav Silverskull - SC

Manager: Guntur Ruak (on a rolling contract)
Assistants: Ipsilon Lair-Lounger, Hi Insectivore
Chairman: Shelob-VIII-Legs

First strip: Red and white stripes with the silhouette of a black spider in the centre.
Change strip: Neon green with the silhouette of a red spider in the centre.

http://www.stadiumguide.com/newoaka.jpg
Stadium: Shelobs Lair
Capacity: 74,400 (humans)
Location: East of New Minas Morgul, Warnocks Wizards

Projected first team: (4-4-2)
1 Alpha Sure-Mandibles, 2 Vita Gravefeet, 3 Gamma Arachnihelm, 4 Delta Rockrage (c), 5 Epsilon Bloodfury, 6 Zita Deathskin, 7 Ita Thunderlegs, 8 Thita Goldenweb, 9 Iota Lightning-Rider, 10 Kappa Diamondlegs, 12 Mia Woodenfeet.

Whoa.

You just totally confused me, you know. Those psychadelic Wizards of Warnock's, or whatever it is down there -- or up there -- since I don't know where Warnock's Wizards is.

How do you put a uniform on a spider?

We tried, but then we had to mace them after they ate one of the uniform designers.

Good thing we hushed that little debacle up.

-- George McDouglas
Association of Futebol/Football

Obsessed Battle to 1-1 Draw

Shelob’s Children Earn Share of Points with Pedriana at the Lair

From our news services...

Matchday 1, Shelobs Lair, Warnocks Wizards–Shelobs Obsession kicked off their second giant evil spider campaign last night with a 1-1 draw with newcomer side Pedriana. Mia Woodenfeet’s first half strike was answered by a late Mike goal in front of a capacity crowd at the Lair. The Eight Legs began well, the visiting Las Araññas Grandes having trouble adapting to the intimidating atmosphere. Kappa Diamondlegs went close in the first ten minutes, but her drive flew over the crossbar, injuring several spectators behind the Pedriana goal. The Obsessed were awarded a free kick on twenty two minutes due to an antenna ball by visiting defender Aaron. Mia coolly struck the free kick past the helpless Pedant keeper. 1-0 to the Red and White Eight Legs. The rest of the half was an even affair, with both sides content to play keep away with their multi-talented legs.

A strange incident occurred shortly after the second half kicked off. The visitors, seeing that Obsessed keeper Alpha Sure-Mandibles had wandered off of his line, chasing a rather tasty looking pigeon that had flown a little too close to the pitch, lobbed a shot in the net from across the centre line. Oddly, the referee’s assistant flagged the visitors for offsides, prompting Pedriana player Travis to consume the poor human official. No doubt the player will be facing a lengthy ban for eating a match official. With the visitors down to ten spiders and the Obsessed seemingly on their way to all three points, defender Epsilon Bloodfury committed a terrible mistake, catching Pedriana player Jesse in the eye with his temperamental fifth leg. The referee had no hesitation in brandishing the red card and the visitors took advantage of the pandemonium caused by the call amongst the Obsessed defense. Mike duly converted the free kick and the match ended at 1-1.

Prior to the match, club owner and chair woman Shelob-VIII-Legs announced that team manager Guntur Ruak will be retained on a temporary contract. Should the chairwoman be disappointed with a result or the scent of the human, she reserves the right to sack him on the spot. This decision comes following the very disappointing showing of the Obsessed during last year’s Giant Evil Spider Football League season, where the Warnocks Wizards spiders finished an embarrassing eighth place out of eight teams.

Okto the Web-Spinner, reporting for WW1

Whoa.

You just totally confused me, you know. Those psychadelic Wizards of Warnock's, or whatever it is down there -- or up there -- since I don't know where Warnock's Wizards is.

How do you put a uniform on a spider?

We tried, but then we had to mace them after they ate one of the uniform designers.

Good thing we hushed that little debacle up.

-- George McDouglas
Association of Futebol/Football

Ms. Shelob is very fashion-conscious. She has designed a whole line for her "children," complete with matching perfume of course.

Good thing you "hushed" up that fiasco, although we hear that uniform designers, particularly if they are hobbits, are quite tasty.

Okto the Web-Spinner

Well, I hear they have plenty of those in Total n Utter Insanity...

Yes, plenty of fashion-designing hobbits in TnUI.

In very, very, populated places.

-- George McDouglas

Hmmm, there are reports that that information has tickled Ms. Shelob's taste buds. Taste buds...did I write taste buds? Sorry, that has tickled her fancy. Given the fact that WW is now in a partnership of sorts with TnUI, she is said to be thinking of proposing a Shelobs Obsession tour of TnUI. The goal of the tour would apparently be to attempt to spread the good will of the eight legs and not at all to consume any fashion-designing citizens of TnUI.

Okto the Web-Spinner

Hi! This is Tarantula, reporting to you on tape-delay from Dire Arachnia. Whee! It's fun to be here in the only other independent country of giant evil spiders. Everywhere i look, it's all giant evil spiders. There's not a tasty human to be seen! That makes me proud to be a free giant evil spider. And hungry!

Hey, there's Coach Tarantula. He's fun. Hey you funny-wunny coachy-woachy, can i see your roster-woster?

Ow! Hey coach hit me, he's mean. Anyhooey-wooey, it looks like the Tarantulas are starting Tarantula in goal, Tarantula on defence, and Tarantula in midfield. That leaves Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula and Tarantula as attackers, with Tarantula as left sweeper -- the sweeper is the one that gobbles up tasty humans that get too close to the pitch -- and Marvin O'Garvin Balloonface Baboonface Putt-putt Hairytoes O'Malley McWalrus Clambreath the Elder as right sweeper.

The Dire Arachnids are smart! They have a formation and everything. And they remembered to go to the bathroom before the match. Ooh, i wish we'd remembered. Not only are the Tarantulas hungry, i think most of them need to pee. Oh look, Tarantula just did! All over the referee's leg. Oh, that's funny. And Tarantula has his ninth leg out! Peeing is fun. And evil!

Hey, look at all the Tarantulas in the Mandibles' crease! I wonder why the Dire Arachnids are avoiding them? Oh, hey, Tarantula scored! Yay! I bet he gets an extra-juicy tasty human torso for that!

Halftime. The Tarantulas love that, they get to snack on some of the tasty Alan Belmores they brought along in a cage. Yum! I remember when tasty human was hard to come by, and then a bunch of the yummy Belmores starting washing up on the coast. And now we get to eat tasty human whenever we like. Well, they're almost human. Maybe a bit stringy. Nice with wine. I mean, blood. Yeah, blood. And lymph.

Oops, Tarantula scored while i was drooling. He's smart! Flipping Augustus Bonechomper over on his back wasn't very nice, was it? But it worked! We scored! Well, Tarantula scored. I bet she gets some bonus Alan Bellymore to eat for that.

Next time we go to Pedriana. I wonder what that is? Some sort of severed foot, maybe. Yum.

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Arkham Testing Range leveled!
Bureaucratic States Armed Forces preemtively bombs the Arkham Testing Range

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- The Arkham Testing Range -- on an offshore island, fifteen miles away from the city of Arkham -- is no more. When false intel came into the Bureaucratic States Military Command Center concerning the escape of the Oglethorpian Dire-FIFA Spider Squad, Bureaucratic States Air Force jets were quickly scrambled into action -- turning the Arkham Testing Range and it's antiquated stadium for GESFL football one large crater. Oglethorpian fans are crushed -- as there is no venue for Oglethorpia's spiders to play at now in the GESFL -- and the military's apologies aren't getting through to the sullen Giant Evil Spider Football fans.

Said Bureaucratic States Armed Forces General Calvin Mug, "we had to act in a situation that presented a very real danger. By destroying the Arkham Testing Range -- and whatever little shack [referring to the ATR stadium] was there, we ensured the safety of millions of Oglethorpians in Arkham from the threat of 12 ft tall spiders. Who have eaten men before! We're sorry to the GESFL fans, but the small number of you aren't worth pleasing in the face of the threat to so many others."

"Shut him up," said one avid Giant Evil Spider Football fan. "Now Oglethorpia has no where to play [Giant Evil Spider] football! Just because the Armed Forces have bad intelligence, they destroyed the Arkham Testing Range stadium. Bastards."

More on this story as it comes.

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Inc.)

The Bureaucratic States Air Force bombed the Arkham Testing Range all to shit. Simple as that.

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpia trounced by champs
'Bastards,' says GESFL coach Ray Krusen

By Bill Christmas

EDENSTEIN (BT) -- Oglethorpia's Dire-FIFA Spider Squad would face the reigning GESFL season 2 champions, pitting them against season 1 champs Oglethorpia -- and the Edenstein test subjects would come out undeniably victorious in a 3-nil trouncing of the Oglethorpian visitors. Coach Ray Krusen had only one thing to say. "Bastards."

Things didn't look good for Oglethorpia early on at all -- defenders Guy, Ray and Guy allowing a spectacular Edenstein goal run right past them, goalkeeper Guy letting it in putting Oglethorpia down 1-nil in the 20th.

"We'll come back," said Ray Krusen.

Next, yet another talented Edensteinian test subject would put one in square in the corner, sailing over the three Oglethorpian defenders Guy, Ray, and Guy in a magnificent free kick, giving Edenstein two more goals over the Oglethorpians.

"Defense is already picking up," said Ray Krusen. "Oh, we'll come back."

That was in the 31st -- the match would go to the half, this period of 14 minutes an uneventful block.

Edenstein opened up early in the second half, the Oglethorpian defenders drawn towards midfield -- goalkeeper Guy losing out in a 1 on 1 matchup between himself and the Edenstein test subject before him.

Edenstein 3 - 0 Oglethorpia, a resounding shot past keeper Guy -- obviously on an 'off-day,' to be sure.

"We've still got all of second half," said Ray Krusen.

But the match would end in full-time, Edenstein the victors before their home crowd with a 3-nil victory.

Oglethorpian fans can't even look forward to the next home match, as the Giant Evil Spider Football League team of Oglethorpia has no stadium, following the 'pre-emptive strike' on the existing GESFL stadium on the Arkham Testing Range.

It's rumored that Oglethorpia will be seeking Gilmeecian craftsmen to construct an impromptu stadium for the time-being, stating that the Gilmeecian Nat'l Stadium was built "quickly & cheaply."

More on Oglethorpia's GESFL season as it comes.

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 0
Edenstein - 3 (Test Subject 11-0113 20th, 31st, 46th)

[reserved for reports of Tanah Tarantula and Dire Arachnia matches, to come tomorrow]

EDIT: Bleh, wrong nation. Oh well.

Obsessed Obsessed with Dire Arachnia Goalkeeper

Shelob’s Children Lose Match in Bizarre Fashion while The Lair is Mesmerised

Football Experts Deem Match "Goddess Gate"

From our news services

Matchday 2, Shelobs Lair, Warnocks Wizards–Shelobs Obsession lost last night in strange fashion to the giant evil spiders from Dire Arachnia. Mia Woodenfeet continued her good form with an early first half goal, but her strike was canceled out by the potent Chomping Mandible offense. The visitors escaped from The Lair as 2-1 winners, however the match will be remembered more for the role played by stunning Dire keeper Aphrodite Hideouminous.

Manager Guntur Ruak, he of the temporary rolling contract, made just one change to his starting eleven. Omikron Rockweb replaced suspended defender Epsilon Bloodfury, who was sent off on Matchday 1 against the Fighting Pedants of Pedriana. While the gathering press was discussing how Ruak may instruct his charges to defend against the attack minded 3-4-3 formation of Dire Arachnia, it was the home side that struck first on five minutes. Midfielder Zita Deathskin terrified counterpart Lupus Fangdriver into coughing up the ball, as the fanged-one apparently thought the ball looked like a tasty rabbit and had started to chomp on it. Fortunately for the home side, Zita’s decaying appearance often causes opponents to perform a double-take. The ball then fell to Mia who skillfully tiptoed her way dextrously through the Dire defense. Her third-legged shot eluded the opposing keeper and sailed into the visiting web. 1-0 to the Red and White Eight Legs.

As keeper Aphrodite retrieved the ball from her web, it became apparent that both the crowd and the Obsessed team had to this point not looked at her. It must be said, never has a more beautiful eight leg graced the pitch of Shelobs Lair. Aprhodite’s beauty was as that of an ancient goddess. Even the stupendous Shelob-VIII-Legs only (slightly, of course) pales by her beauty. From this point in the match, the male Obsessed spiders were enchanted by Ms. Hideouminous and were reduced to dribbling (as in drooling, not skillfully controlling the ball) buffoons. The female spiders on the squad were overtaken by a foreign feeling of jealousy and bitterness. In short, in the space a few minutes Shelobs Obsession were diminished to a unit of weak-legged, temperamental individuals. Poor human Guntur Ruak had no idea what was happening to his team.

Would the assembled spider media have been watching the match and not the exquisite Ms. Hideouminous, they would have seen the visitors level on 20 minutes through Genghis Deathbringer. Further, were the crowd paying any attention to the other end of the pitch, they would have witnessed Vlad "the Impaler" Eightfang ruthlessly finishing past love-struck goalkeeper Alpha Sure-Mandibles just before halftime. At least this is what my human statistician tells me. Apparently, Dire Arachnia sat on their 2-1 lead and held on for full time. Full time: Shelobs Obsession 1, Dire Arachnia 2. Ms. Shelob is said to be “disappointed” with the result, though she noted in her post match press conference that she may have discovered a new super model for her new line of perfume.

Okto the Web-Spinner, reporting for WW1

Shelobs Obsession Earns Point at Tanah Tarantula

Manager Guntur Ruak Once Again Calls Result “Victory for Freedom”

From our news services...

Matchday 3, Tanah Tarantula–Last night marked a homecoming of sorts. Warnocks Wizards side Shelobs Obsession returned to the site where they won their first ever Giant Evil Spider Football League point (1-1 last year on Matchday 2), and Manager Guntur Ruak returned to the nation he once managed in the GESFL. To many of the Obsessed, the trip was a highlight of the season last year. Goalkeeper Alpha Sure-Mandibles marveled that the trip to Tanah Tarantula was “a visit to shangri-la. This is a paradise. A nation full of giant spiders. Have we died and gone to heaven?”

As chairwoman Shelob-VIII-Legs is still smarting from last year’s wooden spoon winning league performance and a very disappointing recent loss to Dire Arachnia (“Goddess Gate”), perhaps the squad will have a chance to relocate to the new shangri-la sooner that it had planned. Their future in doubt, the Obsessed battled their hosts throughout the match. Manager Ruak named his best side possible to start. The Warnocks Wizards spiders played very defensively and it is obvious the eight-legs are still following Ruak’s teachings that it is better to draw 0-0 than win by four or five goals. As a result the back four of Vita Gravefeet, Gamma Arachnihelm, Delta Rockrage, and Epsilon Bloodfury were proving difficult for the Tarantulas to break down. The visiting Obsession “won” the first half as the arachnids skipped to their team lairs at 0-0.

The Tarantulas began the second half determined to put one by goalkeeper Sure-Mandibles. Unsurprisingly it was the player Tarantula whocame close to scoring on the hour. Striking the ball with its favoured sixth limb, the ball deflected off of Obsessed midfielder Zita Deathskin’s right antenna, but fortunately just grazed the left post. A packed house of tarantula shrieked, thinking the ball had gone in. Manager Ruak tried to shake things up, replacing his attacking pair with Tav Silverskull and Xi Hammerlegs. The Hammerlegged-one paid immediate dividends for the perfume-lovers when she redirected Ita Thunderlegs’ shot in off of her thorax. The visiting spiders jumped giddily along the touchline. The referee however, broke the joy as he ruled Hammerlegs to have fouled the excellently-named defender Marvin O'Garvin Balloonface Baboonface Putt-putt Hairytoes O'Malley McWalrus Clambreath the Elder. At the other end, Goalkeeper Sure-Mandibles made a stunning mandible save with time running out off of a Tarantula blast. The match finished 0-0.

In his post-match comments, Manager Ruak demonstrated his consistency by once again proclaiming the match a “Victory for Freedom.” (He made the same comments after last year’s draw.) “Today we once again saw two different sets of free spiders coming together in fellowship to share their love for one another on the football pitch. We saw the best and brightest spiders from two democratic societies, which can’t be said of other nations involved in this competition.” We may indeed live in a democratic society, however Ruak’s boss controls his fate. At least on this day he seems to have earned a temporary reprieve. Earning an away point is always an accomplishment in the highly competitive Giant Evil Spider Football League. Full time: Tanah Tarantula 0, Shelobs Obsession 0.

Okto the Web-spinner, reporting for WW1

Tag... Sorry guys been REAL busy the last few days, I'm keeping track just not able to check NS to much, I'll post something in a few days.

Homeless Eight Legs Feel at Home at The Lair

Shelob Nearing the End of Her Web as Obsession Lose to Oglethorpia 2-1

From our news services...

Matchday 4, Shelobs Lair, WW–Shelob-VIII-Legs patience is growing thin, she is truly reaching the end of her web with regards to the performance of Manager Guntur Ruak. The Obsessed lost in poor fashion last night to the Imprisoned Eleven of Oglethorpia. The visitors, who tragically lost their home stadium to a freak air force bombing accident, felt quite at home at the spacious Lair, earning a 2-1 victory on WW soil.

Oglethorpia started as the better side, their stylish passing 3-5-2 formation providing problems for the static 4-4-2 Red and White Eight Legs. Visiting striker Ray came close to opening the scoring, but Obsessed keeper Alpha Sure-Mandibles desperately kicked the ball just wide of the post with his eighth leg. Kappa Diamondlegs had a chance at the other end, but her shot shattered the woodwork. There followed a short delay during which spider technicians repaired the upright with, what else, sticky webbing. Midfielder Guy, the one with the slight limp on his fourth leg, then scored almost immediately after the drop ball. On 14 minutes, keeper Sure-Mandibles was again daydreaming, gazing at some harmless squirrel which had wandered onto the pitch near the top of the box, when Guy released a shot from near the centre circle. The Obsessed defenders looked on in annoyance as they missed out on the snack Sure-Mandibles was having and failed to prevent a goal from midfield. The Imprisoned Eleven earned a second goal on 35 minutes when Guy (the striker) beat captain Delta Rockrage to a lofted ball in the penalty area. The Oglethorpian arachnid coolly finished past a wandering Sure-Mandibles with his left antenna. The referee was blissfully unaware of the infraction and awarded the visitors an “Antenna of God” (Guy’s words after the match) goal. The first half ended Shelobs Obsession 0 Oglethorpia 2.

The Obsessed tried gamely to find a way back into the match, but to be fair to the visitors, the only goal the WW spiders scored was little more than a consolation. A freak consolation at that on 72 minutes. Ita Thunderlegs’ blast deflected off of the thorax of Oglethorpian defender Guy (the Guy on the left), and the abdomen of Sigma Music-Antennae. The official scorer awarded the goal to the musically inclined one, although she never saw the ball. The Imprisoned Eleven then played a simple game of keep away. It’s always difficult for a chasing squad of spiders to win the ball off of a team of eight legs who are content on possession; there are simply too many legs to deal with. The match finished Shelobs Obsession 1 Oglethorpia 2. Team owner and chairwoman Shelob-VIII-Legs could be seen storming out of the Lair grimacing furiously with her mandibles. Guntur Ruak is running out of time.

Okto the Web-Spinner, reporting for WW1

Missive from Sultan Prime

A draw is not a loss, and to the defending champions, no less!

I address you today, my spiders, with reasonably good news from the GESFL, where the Chomping Mandibles are performing with their usual mediocre zest. Last night they played to a one-all draw against Edenstein's oppressed genetically-altered Regular Spiders, which once, long ago, would have had me apoplectic with fury, but in these modern days of reduced expectations, fills me with the gentle glow of satisfaction.

Yes, my spiders, I am not delighted, but I am satisfied. I was less satisfied with last week's draw against the newcomers, those Pedrianians. Why did we not defeat them? Because we lack zest. That is the only logical explanation. Certainly, the squad this year is more terrifying than the collective nightmares of a dozen puny human schoolchildren who stayed up until four in the morning watching horror movies and eating pizza. Many puny humans have been known to drop dead in their tracks at the sight of our Chomping Mandibles browsing at a street fair (while enjoying the local attractions the day before a match), or bearing down on them after something has once again gone horribly, and inexplicably, wrong with the safety glass in the Visiting Humans Seating section of Dire Arachnia National Stadium in lovely Arachnopolis.

It is not fearsomeness that we lack. It is-- I say it again-- zest. Or Zest, to capitalize it. If our players were Zestier, we would surely be winning more than one out of four matches. Perhaps we could begin to climb up the standings, like the proverbial Itsy Bitsy Giant Evil Spider in the fairy tale, who climbs up the water spout, only to be washed back down by the rain and then RISE AGAIN thanks to perseverance and awe-inspiring hooked feet. And the gentle healing power of the Sun.

Therefore, I have ordered the greatest scientists in Dire Arachnia to begin construction of a machine which will increase the Zest of our footballers by the greatest amount deemed safe by the Spider Food and Spider Drug Administration; and then to increase the Zest by another thirty percent. Yes, my spiders, I am calling for footballers who are thirty percent Zestier than is safe! That is how committed I am to winning.

None of the squad members have complained. They all know that this is for the best. They are willing to risk life and limb in order to win. Every spider should do the same.

That is all.

<OOC>WW: you are the master of spider football reportage.</OOC>

<OOC>WW: you are the master of spider football reportage.</OOC>

OOC: Many thanks, DA. That's high praise indeed coming from the creator of the always entertaining (& quite intimidating ;-)) Sultan Prime.

The Dire Times
All the Giant Evil News That’s Fit to Print

Zestiness Accretion Device Unsuccessful
Football squad horribly maimed

Arachnopolis – In what can only be described as the worst accident ever to befall the Dira Arachnia national football squad, the entire team had its Zest sapped by 70% only hours before yesterday’s international match against Little Miss Muffet. Under orders from Sultan Prime, the squad’s brand new Zestiness Accretion Device, or ZAD, had been brought along to Little Miss Muffet, and was tested by cramming the entire squad inside and setting the dial to “maximum Zest.” It is not clear whether the machine was overloaded by the sheer number of spiders that were inside it at the time, or if it is simply defective. Either way, the results were instantaneous and hideous.

“I like being hideous,” said goalkeeper Aphrodite Hideouminous as she limped Zestlessly from the malfunctioning machine. “But I don’t like to play hideously,” she added. She should be given Giant Evil kudos for her efforts in the match; surrendering only a single goal while playing at 30% of her usual Zestiness was a difficult task that left her exhausted, dehydrated, and deceased. A replacement ‘keeper will be readied before the Mandibles’ next match.

The squad’s trio of strikers were less capable of handling their Zest deficiency than was Ms. Hideouminous. They managed a combined one shot on goal, while the Muffetteer defense was napping late in the second half.

The patheticism of the squad’s Zestless level of play was not lost on Sultan Prime. “Unacceptable!” he shouted, seven hundred and forty-two times, while becoming apoplectic on the sideline.

It is not clear at this time whether adjustments to the ZAD will allow the re-Zestification of the team, or if they will have to be destroyed. Either way, it will make for a spiderpulitzer-worthy news story.

Day of Mourning in Warnocks Wizards Giant Spider Population

The Demise of "the Goddess" Leaves Thousands of Eight-Legs Devastated

From our news services...

Mordor, WW--Upon hearing of the tragic death of Dire Arachnia citizen and Chomping Mandible Aphrodite Hideouminous, the spider community of Warnocks Wizards lay in shock. Ms. Hideouminous, dubbed "the Goddess" by the many that gazed on her beauteous countenance during the recent Warnocks Wizards-Dire Arachnia match at Shelobs Lair, died last night on the football pitch that she loved. Apparently, a Dire Arachnia ploy to make their spiders more zesty for competition went hideously wrong and contributed to the early demise of the young goalkeeper. The spiders of WW are in mourning and many are asking "Why?"

Citizen Thromdibble the Silver-webbed summed up the feelings of many: "In this day and age, given the problems caused by genetic alterations such as those experienced by Uruk'Hai in our own Empire and the Evisceratomatoes of the Tomato Patch, one would think an eight-leg would have more sense. There was no need for the Mighty Aphrodite to have been alterred in such a way. I can't express in to words how saddened and disappointed I am." Let's hope for Thromdibble and the other members of the Aphrodite Hideouminous Appreciation Society, that news of the exquisite spider's demise has been greatly exagerrated.

Okto the Web-Spinner

Hot-air balloons circled over the dank, desperate, dim, domain of Tanah Tarantula. On board one is Jack McMurdo, star sportscaster for the Babble SportsNet. Cameras point downwards, filming what not only appears to be, but in fact is, football-playing bugs.

Just for the occasion of the visit of Little Miss Muffet's spiders, the Tarantulas have constructed an enormous tuffet near the midfield of Swamp Stadium. The sidelines are festooned in carrion, upon which the Tarantulas pause to feed occasionally. As various non-spider members of the LMM squad arrive, the Tarantulas look at them and drool. "Hi!" they shout. "You're cute! Hey, go sit on the tuffet! You look tasty! I mean, tired! Go have a nice rest!"

The visitors seem unconvinced. For all the Tarantulas' efforts to herd them up onto the tuffet, they remain focussed on the football match. One scores, which enrages the Tarantulas. "Meanies!" they shout. "Stop kicking the ball and come into our tummies, you nasty little horrid bunny-lovers!"

Tarantula rage is not pretty. Tarantula rushes over to the sideline, kills one of the team substitutes, and rushes back on. He makes gobbling noises and charges at the LMM net, drooling and spewing bile and bits of half-digested Tarantula. As the visitors avert their eyes in disgust, he scores. Then, he does the whole thing over again. Jack McMurdo vomits over the edge of the balloon. Curtain.

---

Studio lights up.

Jack: Welcome back to BSN. I'm Jack McMurdo, now recovered from the awful spectacle of watching the Tarantulas defeat Little Miss Muffet 2-1. Today's match comes to you live via the magic of satellite feed, from the land of Edenstein, defending GESFL cham-peens. With me is our old friend Tarantula.

Tarantula: I'm sad.

Jack: And why is that, my eight-legged monster?

Tarantula: You look so cute i want to eat you up. But i can't.

(He begins to weep. It is strangely touching and beautiful, as if Audrey Hepburn was brought back to life and implanted, kicking and screaming, into the body of a Giant Evil Spider.)

Jack: My freakishly fat friend refers to the fact that he can see me on the studio camera feed, but is in another room. Another whole country, in fact.

Tarantula: I like donut holes.

Jack: Quite. Well, the Test Subjects are playing their little arachnid hearts out. A well-disciplined team, no doubt the effect of hundreds of hours of indoctrination. Not hard to do, giant evil spiders being not all that smart.

Tarantula: Are too.

Jack: Are not, my fortunately distant friend.

Tarantula: Huh? Anyways, are too. We're the seventy-six thousandth, five hundred and yummiest country in the galaxiverse.

Jack: You mean you're ranked 76,516th in the world for smartest citizens.

Tarantula: What about the galaxiverse?

Jack: There is no such thing.

Tarantula: Uh huh. It's in Mars.

Jack: You mean, Mars is in the galaxy. Or maybe you mean Mars is in the universe.

Tarantula: Yeah! I'm smart! Mars is red! Red like tasty human juice.

Jack: Oh, gross. Let's leave this rather disturbing conversation and take a look at the pitch, where Test Subject number ... well, i can't make out the numbers, actually. Anyways, the Test Subject is making a great run, and he unleashes a corker of a shot. Tarantula gets a leg on it. It's in the air... He gets another leg on it... fumbles.... Another leg... And it's in!

Tarantula: The legs are often underestimated. They have some nice tender flesh on them.

Jack: Oh dear God. Any thoughts on the goal?

Tarantula: That penguin cheated.

Jack: No, look. Let me try this in short words. What you're looking at is not a Giant Evil football-playing Spider. It's not even a living being. What you're looking at is the flag of Edenstein.

Tarantula: No, it's a picture of a penguin, about to be eaten. Why else would there be a knife and a fork?

Jack: That's not a knife and fork, it's a hammer and sickle, symbol of communism.

Tarantula: From each according to his ability, to each according to how hungry he is?

Jack: I give up. Let's look at on-field action again.

Tarantula: Ham?

Jack: No, on-field action. What in the name of all that's holy would make you think of ham?

Tarantula: I like ham!

Jack: They don't pay me enough for this. In fact, i'm on strike.

Tarantula: Yay, i'm in charge! One of the funny things about ham is that it comes from the same animal as bacon. And maybe spam too. And that animal is not the tasty human! It's the tasty... the tasty somethingelsebeast. The wonderful world of meat contains so many wonderful flavours. Like penguin! Penguin is rare and delicious, except when it's over-cooked and delicious, or my personal favourite, raw and delicious. Oh, Tarantula just scored. Some meat is green, and some meat is red, but all meat is best eaten just before it's dead. Hey, why did the tasty human expire in terror? Because the spider spied her! Hehehehehe! I'm funny! And eviller than any other spiders! I say happy new year well into February! I don't eat all my greens with dinner! Evil! Oh, the game is over. We tied. That's pretty good, right? I think it might....

Voice-over: And now, a word from our sponsor.

Tarantula: Hey! I'm still....

Tired of picking the bones out of your teeth? Yeah! Yeah! Well now, you don't have to. With new Tasty Humanburgers! Eat them up, yum! The bones are pre-mashed, for your eating pleasure. And coming soon, Tasty Human Stew, and Tasty Human-on-stick. Look for it in your undertaker's frozen foods section. Brought to you by Jolly Green Murderous Giant Spider, and of course the Little Green Sprout.

The sound of giggling, as the picture dissolves.

Missive from Sultan Prime

We knew there would be sacrifices. I never said there wouldn’t be. It is unfortunate, yes, but unavoidable, that poor, lovely, Aphrodite should have crept off this mortal coil, sacrificing herself for the betterment of Dire Arachnid football.

I am sending a bouquet of lovely rats to her family, and starting the nation’s first football scholarship in her honor. The Aprhodite Award shall be given each year to the loveliest female football player attending a Dire Arachnid university, which is only fair and right.

But my purpose in addressing you today, O my spiders, is not to sing the praises of the late Ms. Hideouminous. My purpose is, rather, to announce that the Zesticians have tweaked the ZAD, fixing what might have been a slight problem with the Central Accretor that caused it to work in reverse. Hooray. So the suriviving ten members of the squad, plus new goalkeeper Octotron Corpsemuncher, will be shoved into the ZAD before tonight’s match against those Oglethorpian dire-FIFA spiders. It will be glorious.

That is all.

The Red Queen has been sick - some sort of fluish thing, that got capped off with a gum infection of some kind. The dentist was duely visited. All that needs to be said about that is "ouch". That stupid scardy-cat rabbit won't come out alone. Octavious Moron (fondly known as "Octoron") and the Muffeteers have been busy playing, traveling, and...er...snacking. And, oddly enough, the ink shortage that prevented newspapers from being printed in The Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 also seems to have effected the news media here in Little Miss Muffet. We think the publishing houses here in Little Miss Muffet get their supplies from Snub Nose 38. However, a shipment of ink arrived earlier today, and Her Majesticity seems to feel a little better. We believe some sort of report on The Muffeteers participation in the GESFL 3rd Season to be forthcoming in the very near future.

The Red Queen has been sick - some sort of fluish thing, that got capped off with a gum infection of some kind. The dentist was duely visited. All that needs to be said about that is "ouch". .

The creature that controls all things WW can sympathise. He was felled recently by something that began as the flu and morphed into tonsillitis. Welcome back, SN38/LMM. Or should I say, welcome back Red Queen. ;-)

Okto the Web-spinner

Upon hearing of the untimely demise of Aphrodite Hideouminous, of the Dire Arachnian Chomping Mandibles, The Red Queen commented, "Zad. How very, very zad."

The Dire Times
All the Giant Evil News That’s Fit to Print

Re-Zestification Endeavor Successful
Nation football side regains Zesty form, wins match

Arachnopolis – The nation’s top footballers emerged from Sultan Prime’s “Zestiness Accretion Device,” or ZAD, looking much like the Chomping Mandibles of yore hours before last night’s home match against Oglethorpia’s dire-FIFA spider squad. With horrific shouts of “Huzzah!” and “Yahoo!” the Mandibles took the pitch in double-time, running rings around the shadows of their former selves. After the unfortunate ZAD accident last week, in which the entire squad’s Zest was reduced by a whopping 70%, even seeing the team able to walk under their own power was a joy.

“We’re back, and we’re gonna kick spiderass,” said striker Vlad the Impaler, jumping up and down over and over.

Sultan Prime beamed from the sidelines as his team bounded giddily about the pitch like a pack of hyperactive puny human five-year-olds on a suger rush. The Mandibles attacked the ball with admirable vigour and vim throughout the match; only their inability to focus on kicking prevented them from demolishing the dire-FIFA defense. But the spastic Octoron Corpsemuncher was, as his nickname implies, the perfect stopper, preventing a single ball from passing his eight finely-tuned legs. And what’s more, the Impaler lived up to his words, and scored a goal.

“A lovely, lovely, beautiful one-nothing victory,” said Sultan Prime after the game. “No one’s children will be eaten tonight!”

*the red queen, monarch of little miss muffet, defender of that which needs defending, and all around good gal, is walking through the muffeteers training camp. when we say through, we mean she is walking down the path between the massive electrified reinforced steel page-wire-fortified-with-barbed-wire roofed-over fences. anything else would be sheer lunacy. a small terrified rabbit accompanies the red queen, hesitantly and against his better judgement. off to the left we see about half the squad running some drills, with cubby in goal. off to the right we see the remainder of the squad...snacking...it would seem*

- Bunnykins, look over there. What are they doing?
- Umm...that's their mid urk! mid-afternoon snack, oh Mighty Majesticalcityly One.
- Snack? Bun-hun, they seem to be eating...they seem...it looks like...
- Highest Most Queenish Personage, I know it ahh! it looks like they're...
- Like they're eating people, bunny!
- But, your Munificent Beatific ack! Beatific Wonderous...
- Shut up, rabbit. I know that, from time to time, some of our...um...slower subjects do...er...well...disappear, as it were. But, I cannot condone the feeding of our citizens to...
- Of course not, your Salacious Serendipitous One. They are eek! aren't really eating people. No, you see...
- I don't see, bun. If that pinkish blob roughly the size and shape of a hairless slaughtered pig, dripping red, with four...um...fore shortened appendages and no head isn't the remains of one of our subjects, what exactly is it, rabbit?
- Omnipotent Potentate, that is exactly what geep! what it is meant to look like. That is augh! is what the Monstrous Things want, and what we want them gadzooks! to believe. But, Your Fabulous Wonderfulness, what it actually is yipe! is...
- Spit it out, Rabbit, spit it out!
- Yes, Oh Great and Powerful (no, that's a different story) um...it's tofu.
- What!?!?
- Tofu, Your Magnanimous Impericalness.
- Tofu? Tofu? Don't mess with me, rabbit, or it'll be you they're snacking on. What do you mean, tofu?
- Well, Your All Powerful...
- Cut to the chase, ya little rodent.
- Um...yes...well...see, we actually meant to let them erk! them snack on the remains of executed criminals, but...
- But we don't execute criminals. So, you didn't have any...uh...snack food for 'em, then, hmmm?
- Correct, Your Goodishness. Well, we looked around for urp! for some used Alan Belmores, but someone seems to have cornered the market.
- What are they then, bun?
- Well, Your Bigitude, we did have all this gurp! all this tofu that we couldn't pawn off on anyone. I mean, who eats that crap, anyway? So...we ulp!! we molded it into torso-like chunks, and dipped them into agh! into ketchup...
- You mean catsup?
- Yes, Your Supersizedness
- Watch it, rabbit!
- Ulp! I mean, yes, Your Superiorityship - catsup. So they would look oh, no! look like they were bloody...
- Have the Giant Evil Spiders caught on?
- No, Your Greatness. They have a very poor sense of taste, it seems help! seems, and continue to think it's...well...us...
- Good thinking, bun! Keep it up. They're happy, they're winning, and it's only costing us (gack) tofu (choke, cough, wheeze) and the occassional...speed deprived citizen. Are the Muffeteers still in first place?
- Yes, Oh You Beautiful Doll, You Great Big Beautiful Doll, after the first oohhh! first six matches, they still have a slight lead.
- Excellent! Give Octoron extra rations (tofu, bun) for them all, and a day off.
- Day off?
- Day off.
- Off what?
- What?
- A day off what?
- Work.
- What work?
- Don't be difficult, bunny. Just do it.

*the red queen, monarch of - oh, you know - she continues on her way, leaving a very, very terrified rabbit behind to take care of business*

*the following open letter was mailed by same-day-delivery to each addressee, faxed as well, and appeared in todays issue of the tuffet*

To The Football Associations of:
Dire Arachnia
Tanah Tarantula
Oglethorpia
Oddslavo
Edenstein
Warnocks Wizards
Pedriana

Dear Friends, both two legged and eight legged (and, well, any other number of legs, I guess!):

Hi! Isn't this all just so exciting! I get such a thrill watching our Giant Evil Spider sides at a match! It's as good as a couple shots of tequila! I mean, I get no kick from champagne - meer alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, but I get a kick...hmmm...now, that has a familiar ring, eh? Wonder what...? Well, no matter, it's just such fun to watch 'em play!

'Course, sometimes they do get a little rowdy. You know, munch on a couple of, whadda-they-call-em?, "puny humans" - but you know the old saying - Giant Evil Spiders will be Giant Evil Spiders!

And I do so enjoy visiting with each of you at the stadium when we our teams play each other. Chewing the fat - well, perhaps that's a poor choice of words - um...discussing current events, exchanging receipes, gossiping a little.

Oh, yes. My little companion - you know, ol' "Bun-Hon" - reminds me (between exclamations) of the purpose of this note.

Hurumph (is that how you spell it?). There has been a challenge, an official protest, of the results of a GESFL match. We don't need to go into specifics - yet - but the Little-Miss-Muffet Sports Mediators for Football and Tennis (LSMFT), who as the adjudicating body for our football association have jurisdiction (as we are hosts) of this issue, suggested that we postpone matchday 8 until the issue has been resolved. LSMFT representatives tell me that will avoid any confusion that may occur if we go ahead with the scheduled 8th matches, and then have to adjust based on the final outcome of this protest.

Well, to make a short story long, LSMFT are meeting today to hash out the problem, and will announce their decision this afternoon. We've therefore "transformed" today's matches into night games. The schedule, originally calling for the matches to start between 10:00 am and 1:00 pm local time, are now required to start between 5:00 pm and 8:00 pm local time. We ask those of you who will be hosting today's matches to ensure this protocol is followed.

Well, that's it for the official announcement. I'm really looking forward to our next visits! See ya all soon!

Love... (Bun-Hon tells me I shouldn't end an official letter that way. Oh, well)

Red
The Red Queen
Monarch of Little Miss Muffet
Defender of That Which Needs Defending
All Around Good Gal
And President of the Little Miss Muffet Football Association

------------------------
ooc: had to go to work today, and the spreadsheet et al for GESFL 3rd Season is on my home computer. so - 5 yard penalty for delay of game? :wink: matchday 8 results after i get home, sometime around 6:30/7:00 pm EST. p.s. there isn't really any official protest - just used that to make a short story long

OOC: Huh? I already have matchday 7 results in a telegram...I'm going to assume for the moment that they're invalid, though...

EDIT: Err...I thought that said 7, not 8...maybe you changed it after I started. Oh well, here's my MD6 report anyway.

Also, sorry for not doing much over here lately; I've been busier than I thought. I'll try to pick back up, though.

---------------------------------

Pedriana One - Sports News
with Bill and Carl

Bill: Hi! I'm Bill. I'm a spider.

Carl: Hi! I'm Carl. I'm a spider too. And not just any spider, no sir.

Bill: Nope. We're Giant Evil Spiders. We're here because all the puny humans that got too close to our football players were devoured.

Carl: They couldn't do any reports anymore. And even that human that was coaching the squad...he's dead now too.

Bill: So anyway, here's what happened in the last match, at home against Little Miss Muffet.

Carl: See, she couldn't find her tuffet. And that's how Alan scored twenty or thirty minutes in, while the keeper was away looking for the tuffet.

Bill: Ooh, did they find it?

Carl: Yep, they did! And then silly Brandon got red-carded for kicking a Muffeteer in the head with three of his legs!

Bill: With three legs? That had to hurt!

Carl: Yep! So Brian came in at the goal, and that other spider got a penalty kick. So he scored.

Bill: All those humans were terrified, weren't they?

Carl: Yep! All 2000 of them. After the match, our spiders got hungry. They grabbed about 15 of them. Ah, what I wouldn't have given to be there...

Bill: Yes, tasty human meat. Just what I need right now...

Carl: Anyway, our guys have won one game, lost one, and drawn four, putting us in sixth place out of the eight.

Bill: That sucks!

Carl: Yep!

Bill: OK, we've gotta go to Edenstein now. But let's have a snack before we go, all right?

Carl: Yep!

[The screen becomes filled with static as Bill and Carl knock over the human cameraman and start devouring him.]

------------------

Final score:
Pedriana 1 (Alan 25)
Little Miss Muffet 1 (pen 60)

[reserved for reports of Tanah Tarantula and Dire Arachnia matches, to come tomorrow]

EDIT: Bleh, wrong nation. Oh well.
See, now, this has me confused. Thought I knew TB and puppets, and Lemmy and puppets. But, this tells me "Nope - you don't". And I was sure Beddy was independent.

:?:

...Vlad the Impaler...
A wide grin slowly crosses the Red Queens face, as this sinks deeply enough into what, in her skull, passes for a brain and a little night-light sized bulb comes on.

[reserved for reports of Tanah Tarantula and Dire Arachnia matches, to come tomorrow]

EDIT: Bleh, wrong nation. Oh well.
See, now, this has me confused. Thought I knew TB and puppets, and Lemmy and puppets. But, this tells me "Nope - you don't". And I was sure Beddy was independent.

:?:

OOC: Pedriana is my puppet, in case you were wondering. ;) The matches in question were against those two.

[reserved for reports of Tanah Tarantula and Dire Arachnia matches, to come tomorrow]

EDIT: Bleh, wrong nation. Oh well.
See, now, this has me confused. Thought I knew TB and puppets, and Lemmy and puppets. But, this tells me "Nope - you don't". And I was sure Beddy was independent.

:?:

OOC: Pedriana is my puppet, in case you were wondering. ;) The matches in question were against those two.
...what a humbling experience...

I knew Pedriana was your's, cause Lemmy (I think it was Lemmy, in his Sultan Prime guise) told me. I just read your post, well, I dunno - sideways?

The Little-Miss-Muffet Sports Mediators for Football and Tennis (LSMFT) have reviewed the GESFL match and result that had been protested. It is the unanimous decision of the LSMFT that the protest is without merit, and that the match results stand.

Matchs scheduled for the 8th matchday of the GESFL's third season may proceed.

A. Rabbit
Assistant Manager of the Muffeteers
Minion of The Red Queen

The Dire Times
All the Giant Evil News That’s Fit to Print

Too Much Zest Is Never Enough!
Over-Zestified Chomping Mandibles Crap Out

Arachnopolis – After Zesting-up the national football side, our glorious Sultan Prime thought he’d finally crafted a winner. A delicious victory over those Oglethorpian dire-FIFA spiders seemed like the light at the end of a long, dank tunnel. But it soon became evident that the Mandibles had been over-Zestified, as they drew one-all with the lucky Oddslavans. There was still hope, however, that the team might rediscover its full Zest potential; a match with Tarantula, the perennial losers, was the perfect opportunity for the Dire Arachnids to shine.

Instead, they sucked light into themselves in a great light-sucking gravity well of suckilitude. Shining was the farthest thing from their minds as they were soundly stomped by Tarantula and her band of merry tarantulas. For the first time in several weeks, the Mandibles failed to score a goal, and to see them tramping listlessly hither and thither on the pitch was to witness an offense that would be better served staying home and baking puddings. The strikers have wilted, most likely beyond redemption. The midfield is full of holes, like Blackburn Lancashire. The defense is not a barricade, but a stop sign: a polite request that the opposition not tear-ass past it on its way to the goal. Only the magnificent efforts of Octotron Corpsemuncher prevented the Mandibles being blown out by seventeen goals. It is worth noting that “the Cork” has become the second victim of overexhaustion as a result of megaZestification. He passed away last night at Venemous General after four days of night sweats after the unprecedented task of stopping forty-two shots while nursing a massive headache. A replacement goaltender will be announced shortly.

In response to the obvious lack of success of the ZAD, and under intense pressure from spider-rights activists around the world, Sultan Prime has announced that the new ‘tender will not be forced to have its Zest accreted. Further tweaking, meanwhile, has been performed upon the dubious machine, and it is expected that the Mandibles (excepting said goalie) will be herded into it once again before tomorrow’s match against Shelob’s Obsession. Sultan Prime will yet find a way to produce a winner.

Missive from Stompominous Rex
Head Coach, the Chomping Mandibles national football side

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome to the team our latest starting player, Mongo Octolini. Coming to us from the Web City Hideous Bloodsuckers, Mongo will make an excellent addition to the team, replacing poor Octotron, who passed away last night as a result of injuries sustained during the brilliant match against Tanah Tarantula. Poor poor Octotron. He leaves behind a family of thousands of little Corpsemunchers. A fund has been taken up, to keep the little ones fatted on corpses.

But as I said, I come here not to praise Octotron, but Mongo. Mongo led the domestic league this past season in one-goal victories; a category that, if it has any meaning at all, will stand him in good stead here in International Play, where so many close matches are fought. The fact that he has only seven legs should not be held against him; he is a fine 'keeper nonetheless. In fact, the shock of seeing a goalkeeper with a missing leg has stopped many opposing strikers dead in their tracks, allowing the Hideous Bloodsucking defense to descend upon them like a plague of giant Evil Spiders falling from the sky, and effect a tackle.

I call upon the entire nation to join me in welcoming to the squad Mongo Octolini.

Heh.. can't post here as Lemmitania. Nosir.

Missive from Sultan Prime

My spiders, what can I do? I try and I try, but nothing seems to bring home the sweet, sweet victories. It is as if the Chomping Mandibles lack the talent to defeat the world's top Giant Evil sides. But, being Dire Arachnids, I know that our footballers are inherently the world's best.

So, what gives?

Could it be that Hera, in her wisdom, has decreed that Dire Arachnia shall never taste the intoxicating blood of a championship match? Has she set the Arachne Cup off-limits to us for all time?

I have decided, my spiders, that draws are no longer acceptable. If we draw another match, the children of Sangria, Deathbringer, Eightfang, and Octolini shall be devoured. If we lose, everybody dies! That's it! I've had enough of this 'mediocrity' garbage! I expect nothing but victory from now on.

Don't expect me to calm down, either, because it isn't going to happen.

That is all.

HER MAJESTY'S LETTERHEAD
The Queendom of Little Miss Muffet
please stop eating our pony express riders. we're running low

Dearest Tavi:

Hi! How are ya', Tavi luv? It' been just gads of time since I wrote! We've been very busy here, what with winning all these Giant Evil Spider Football Matches! We have to go to the match (well, that part's fun!), then we have to congratulate the Muffeteers - which can be pretty tricky, I've lost a few good minions, let me tell you!

Then, of course, we have to hold a press conference, and tell everybody about our wonderful Muffeteers, and how good they're doing. Then we have to go Congratulate Octoron (Mr. Octavius Moron, Esquire is what he goes by now!) - and if he's excited...well, I nearly lost a hand last week! Hadda punch him in the nose! And then Congratulate that scardy-cat rabbit - which means first I have to find out what hole he's hiding in, and shoo him out of it.

And the awards ceremonies for excellence in Giant Evil Spider Football - we just keep having to have them over and over and over again! And so many awards and certificates to hand out (although, it seems kind of pointless - Cubby and the guys just keep eating them). Well, it's no wonder I haven't had time to write!

So, how are the Chomping Mandibles doing? (Sorry, Tavi dear. Octoron and Bun-Hon made me put that in)

We understand you're running low on Giant Evil Spiders. And all that offspring eating - doesn't that cut down on potential players?

I'm looking forward to seeing you at a match in the near future, Tavi. Until then,

Love Ya!

Red
The Red Queen
Monarch of Little Miss Muffet
Defender of That Which Needs Defending
All Around Good Gal
And President of the Little Miss Muffet Football Association

really, tavi - your people have got to stop eating our carrier pigeons, too. it's getting harder and harder to get mail to you. i asked bun-hon to act as messanger and carry this one to you. he went into cataleptic shock, and now we kind of have to carry him around. hope he comes out of it soon

Missive from Sultan Octavious Prime

Dear Queen,

Grrrr. Why I oughta---!

Yours,

Primey

Mister Octavius Moron, Esquire (previously known to his friends (what few he has) as "Octoron") stands in front of his assembled Giant Evil Spider Football Squad - the Little Miss Muffet Muffeteers. The Muffeteers stand, rank upon row (well - a couple of ranks and a couple of rows - they're a small group) at attention. Attention is a kind of difficult thing for any spider to stand at, much less a Giant Evil Spider. But they're trying (sometimes, they're very trying). All eight legs motionless (well...mostly). There's an odd little cage-like metal ball rolling around, kind of like a "hamster ball", with an extremely scared rabbit in it.

"Glorious Muffeteers!" Mister Octavius Moron, Esquire begins, "A glorious 2 to 0 victory! Once again you return victorious!"

"We return hungry," says Cubby.

"Cubby! Your out of eep! out of line."

"No, I'm standin' in line right here...an' I'm hungry."

"NOT that kind of out-of-line. You aren't supposed to be talking now."

"Says who? You, Octoron? Or maybe this tasty lookin' rabbit?"

"Cubby! I'm the Manager! You hafta do what I say!"

"Nope. I hafta eat. We didn't get no puny human snack before we left for the match, and we didn't get no puny human snack at the match, and we didn't get no puny human snack -'cept that little one, no mor'n a bite each - on the way back. We're hungry!"

"You had a little snack ack! snack in the training session just urp! before we left for the match."

"Don't care! We're hungry, an' we're tired of this "tenshun" stuff, an' if we don't get sumpin' ta eat very soon, we're gonna go away an' not play this foot stuff anymore."

"Cubby - you guys gotta behave, or I'm gonna have to punish you."

"You gotta get us some eats, or we're gonna snack on you an' this scardy-cat rabbit."

"You can't get me. I'm protected augh! protected in here."

Cubby reaches over with two legs, and rips the little metal ball apart. An extremely frightened rabbit falls out, and seems frozen in place.

"You look tastier outta there."

"I'm...you're...there's...yipe!"

Bun-Hon departs with the kind of speed that only a rabbit in good physical condition and who is absolutely scared to death can attain.

" 'kay, then. Fellas, we're gonna start with Octoron, an' when we finish 'im off, we'll go find some puny humans an' have a decent meal."

Mister Octavius Moron, Esquire, opens his mandibles as if to speak - and nothing comes out. The Muffeteers move towards him. Before a nano second goes by, he has departed the area in the same direction as, and almost as fast as, Bun-Hon. He reaches the gate just a couple of steps ahead of Cubby, Annette, Spin and Marty. He dodges through, slams it shut - we hear the click of the lock - and collapses in a heap. The heap he collapses in is, not by accident, definitely out of reach of the grasping legs several of the Muffeteers are sticking through the fencing.

"We gotta eat, Octo! Or, we're gonna eat Octo!"

"Just lemme catch my breath, and I'll get somethin' for ya's"

The Dire Times
All the Giant Evil News That’s Fit to Print

A Win’s as Good as a Nod, to a Blind Spider
Sultan Prime sets Mandibles back on winning ways

Pedro City, Pedriana – Fearing for their own lives and the lives of their families, the national football side secured a victory last night while visiting league newcomers Pedriana. Apparently needing nothing more than the fear of death to inspire them, the Chomping Mandibles recorded a handy two-nil win over Las Aranas Grandes. In a fang-tilious display of fearsome fangliness, goals were scored by Vlad “the Impaler” Eightfang and Lupus Fangdriver, while replacement ‘keeper Mongo Octolini proved his mettle, stopping eight shots.

The score stood at nil apiece through sixty-four minutes, despite the clearly visible fire in the eyes of the Mandible strikers. But it was not a striker who would score the first goal, as Fangdriver found himself tackled with excessive force by Grande midfielder “Moe.” Lupus took his free kick from thirty meters outside the penalty box, sending the ball neatly between the 32 legs that tried to block it. “Gooooooooooooal!” screamed Lupus.

But the Grandes were not done for the day. Seemingly upset about what they considered an illegitimate call against Moe, they suddenly came alive, attacking with an alarming vigor that was almost too much for Octolini’s seven legs to handle. They had several good tying chances, but the final fang was driven into the coffin by Vlad Eightfang on eighty-four minutes. Like an impaler on a mission, he dribbled the ball expertly through the Grande defense, dazzling them with an unprecedented show of talent which, as has been alluded to, concluded with another goal. Bam!

And no one died.

Little Miss Muffet Football Association survey: Do participants in the GESFL 3rd Season prefer the match results every 2 to 3 days (as we're doing now), or one match per day?

OOC: The TG's GESFL sides received "GESFL 3rd Season Matchday X Results:" are Matchday 12 Results

Little Miss Muffet Football Association survey: Do participants in the GESFL 3rd Season prefer the match results every 2 to 3 days (as we're doing now), or one match per day?

The Oglethorpian Association of Football sez...
OOC: 2-3 days, as i've been slackin' off in number of RPs done.

---

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Win in Pedriana
Dire-FIFA Spiders taken home victory

By Bill Christmas

PEDRIANA (BT) -- Large military transport planes made the difficult flight into Pedriana, unloading their precious cargo of 7 ft tall Giant Spiders in the matchday 12 football match vs. Pedriana, having already defeated them before a resounding 5-nil.

The Giant Evil Spider action kicked off early, a talented and quick Guy on the part of Oglethorpia scoring the first in the 12th minute.

Midfielder Moe was called with a yellow for trapping following the goal, the spider tazered and dragged off the field after he attempted to eat the lone human official. The spider "Jim" was substituted, Moe's absence in the match eventually recorded as a red card.

Minutes later Guy was on the offense again, in the 15th curling one in with superb accuracy into the corner of the net.

Of the rest of the match, there is nothing more to say of note.

Coach Ray Krusen was fairly pleased with the day's preformance. "Nothing like when we won season 1, but we're in 4th, and doing decent. 13 points out of 1st means we won't be competing for the Cup this year, but might pull out a 3rd place finish like last year. We can always hope. I can, at least, since I was fired from my World Cup coaching job. Damn AoF..."

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 2 (Guy 12th, 15th)
Pedriana - 0

Little Miss Muffet Football Association survey: Do participants in the GESFL 3rd Season prefer the match results every 2 to 3 days (as we're doing now), or one match per day?

The Oglethorpian Association of Football sez...
OOC: 2-3 days, as i've been slackin' off in number of RPs done.

OOC: What he said. RPs to come soon, I promise.

And yeah, I know, wrong nation. I'm lazy. :P

The Octoped Tribune

Hey, At Least We're Better than Oddslavo
Arañas fall to Oglethorpia at home

by Chris Spindleleg

OCTAVIA, Pedriana -- Now that we have finally cleared all the humans out of Pedriana, sending them all scurrying off into the mysterious land of Kelestena, we can finally report again. Too bad we can't type as fast as puny humans; that's why it's taken us several days to get this report done. We need to get a hold of that Dire Arachnian...what's his name, Maleficus? Yeah, we need to talk to him.

Anyway, we faced Oglethorpia today. Even though we'd come off of our second win of the tournament, 2-1 over Oddslavo, we knew it wouldn't be pretty. Last time we faced Oglethorpia, they killed us 5-0. Well, they didn't literally "kill" us, but you know what I mean.

But to make a long story short and to save my poor second leg (the one doing the typing), Guy scored two quick goals for the visitors early in the first half, with Las Arañas Grandes unable to respond. The 2-0 loss means that our team stays seventh in the field of eight, ahead of only the hapless Oddslavo, who have only won one match in their first eleven.

The next match is away at Little Miss Muffet. Maybe if we steal all their curds and whey before the match, they'll be so busy looking for them that we'll win the match...hey, it's worth a shot...

Final score:
Pedriana 0
Oglethorpia 2 (Guy 12, 15)

To: The Giant Evil Spider Football Community

From: Shelob-VIII-Legs, Billionaire and Citizen of Warnocks Wizards

Our dear fellow eight-legs:

On behalf of the Warnocks Wizards Football Federation and the Warnocks Wizards World Cup 11 Organising Committee (of which we are but a small part), we would like to cordially invite each nation of the GESFL to send representatives to the World Cup.

You are invited to send a delegation of eight legs to the World Cup opening ceremony (Incidently, we hear the president of the Insanician FA just would love a visit from some large arachnids). Following the ceremony, your delegates are free to be our honoured guests at Shelobs Lair, one of the important venues for the two-legged world cup. We will gladly entertain you at The Lair for the duration of the tournament, if you so choose. Included in our invitation are of course passes for the World Cup final at Fortress Warnock, quite a nice place for a primarily humanoid facility.

Hope to see you all in the Empire soon. Let's share our arachnid fellowship with the bipedal creatures of the world!

Yours in all things eight-legs,

Shelob

To: The Honourable Octavarion Maleficus, Dire Arachnia Citizen & Football Legend

From: Shelob-VIII-Legs, Billionaire and Giant Evil Spider

Dear Mr. Maleficus:

We write you this missive with pained spinnerets. Our children are once again producing a foul odor with their atrocious play in the Giant Evil Spider Football League. We have had to buy all copies of the past several Spider editions of WW1 to prevent the embarrassing tales of our progeny being made public. Hence we write this composition with a proposition for you.

We have been following your recent broadcasts of Lemmitania football matches with great interest. Yours is an impressive footballing intellect. How you tolerate those clownish two-leg radio partners, we'll never know.

We had a good word with Minister for Sport Ufhur the Hated and our friends on the Warnocks Wizards World Cup Organising Committe. It seems that by fortune alone Lemmitania has been drawn in the group that will play its matches at our nice arena, Shelobs Lair. We therefore hope to see you there, and would like your advice on how to improve our eight-legged club.

That buffoon Guntur Ruak has ruined the footballing instincts of our children. He's now been finally dispatched, and we would like your advice on how best to proceed. We hope to meet you at the Cup and would love to discuss Giant Evil Spider Football with you.

All the best,

Shelob-VIII-Legs

To: Shelob-VIII-Legs, Billionaire and Citizen of Warnocks Wizards

From: The Little Miss Muffet Football Association

Dear Shelly:

Why, of course we'll send a delegation to your shindig, Shel honey! You know how I love to travel! We wouldn't miss it for the world! The "World Cup", eh? What world?

We can't send the whole squad - heavens no! - heaven knows we could never control them all during a raucous nationwide party! I mean, it's one thing when we "lose" a handler, or a...well...superflous citizen turns up missing, but you could lose entire neighborhoods if the Muffeteers got out of hand! Unless...Shel, do you have an over-population problem there in Warnocks Wizards?

Bun-Hon and I will be coming, and I think Octoron and one or two of the "guys" - Cubby likes to go places, and he's...er... quite fond of Annette lately. So, I think they'll be coming, but probably not many more. Besides, these bozo's need practice - they're getting sloppy on the pitch.

Shelly, we'll see ya at this ceremony of your's! Till then, smooches!

Red
The Red Queen
Monarch of Little Miss Muffet
Defender of That Which Needs Defending
All Around Good Gal
President of the Little Miss Muffet Football Assocication

ooc: 2-3 days is fine, sorry for the lapse, I've been sick/school/without computer.......

IC: *Emperor Ed turns on the Televeison to ESPN*

Reporter 1: And thats why you should where a cup when playing polo...
Reporter 2: I feel sorry for that guys old lady... I havn't seen a hit like that since those italian guys killed baby face Malone down on 2nd street over 5 dollars.....
Reporter 1: Right.... anyways, with the GESFL closes out the Season, the Edenstein Test subjects are on top, with the muffeteers in a close second trailing by one point. We take you live now to Ay Blinkin with a interview with the coach of the spiders... Blinkin...

*scene transfers over to Blinkin who is standing on the tarmac of the Football field, the spiders are practicing behind him... Blinkin is covered in Kevlar Body armor, and wearing a riot helmet*

Blinkin: Thank you Reporter 1; This is the third season of the GESFL and it is becoming more and more succesful.. I am here with the coach of the spiders to give us some insight into the strategy of this highly sucessful club... Coach, what do you have for us today?

Coach: *walks up with a vodka bottle in his hand, barely able to stand up*
Well...... *hic* I have a nice fat middle finger.... *flics off the camera*

Blinkin: Right..... Coach, how to you plan on holding off the Muffeteers? They have been really strong this season and last season.....

Coach: Muppets? I don't know anything about muppets........ *hic* arn't those those those those..... *gathers thoughts* Things thad David Bowie had working for him in that movie...

Blinkin: NO! THE MUFFETEERS! THE SPIDER FOOTBALL TEAM!!!

Coach: Awww hell.... I've had enough of this.... *walks off, as an assitant coach comes up*

Asst Coach: What he ment to say was that our team has been training relentlously for these spiders and we feel they pose a credible threat to un seating us from the top of the standings....

*in the background one of the trainers smacks a spider on the head, the spider in turn uses its mandibles to bite the arm off of the trainer*

Blinkin: Well thank you coach for giving us a little inside into the game.. back to you reporters.

*Back in the studio, Reporter 2 is eating a bucket of chicken*

Reporter 2: Mmmm watching that spider bite off the Arm of that trainer made me have a craving for chicken......

Reporter 1: Yeah.. me too kind strange.... *looks at Reporter 2 and gets craved look in his eyes, he lunges at Reporter 2 and takes a bite out of his arm* Mmmm tasty, We'll be right back with Hamster bowling results.

Oh, what spidery good times i've missed....

Queen Tarantula Queen climbed to the very tip-top of the tallest tree in the whole Lovely Dank Cobwebby Swamp of Tanah Tarantula to address her people (well, let's say her subjects). It was the loveliest of days: a nice drizzle of just-slightly-acidic rain fell, making a lovely ping sound every time it hit the soggy ground. The lovely smell of rotting flesh pervaded through the humid, clammy air. In short, it was lovely. Heaven, for Tarantulas.

"Hi!" said Queen T. "Mild, isn't it? Hey, what a season we had in the football, eh? Fourth is OK. We had some good games, made a few mistakes but ate some cute humans to make up for it. And we finished up on a nice high note by beating the poor slave spiders from Oglethorpia, three to nil. Three's a pretty big number, some of you might not know about it, but it's the numer that comes after two. Imagine you had an extra mandible! That would be three. Wow!

"Anyhoo, 3-0. I think maybe it confused them when we started throwing human heads on the pitch. They're not smart, like us! They maybe thought it was the ball. Silly spiders.

"Yeah, so we did good. Better than four other teams! Four, that's the next number after three. It's the number of legs a nice tasty pig has! Pigs are cute. I once ate a whole pig at bedtime, and i had nightmares that a whole bunch of little pink rabbit things were running this whole footbally league. Yikes! Hey, you're cute, wanna join me for dinner? But summing up: Tarantulas are great, we can't wait to play football next time, and people are delicious."

To: All you big furry spiders
From: Zina Ramirez, beloved Dictator of Yn

Hello! I’ve been watching your games. Do you know it’s one of the only foreign programs I allow on Yn television? I allow it because it’s brilliant! Lots of huge spiders running around kicking a football… Who came up with the idea? You’re geniuses, really. And so funny. And cute, really cute. Well, I think so. And anything I think is true.

Anyway… Have any of you ever thought of travelling? Even moving abroad? Because I’d just loooove to have one of you big fluffy things living in my dictatorial domain. It’s a big building, with grounds, and lots of room to stretch those eight legs of yours. Inside a nice city you could wander around, with lots of things to do. You could eat anything you like, too. Well, except me. I’m sure you’d love it here. And I’ve wanted to cuddle one of you cute spiders ever since I saw you on tv!

So, what do you say?

Till then, continue to play well! It’s great sitting down to watch your games with a bag of popcorn. Remind me to get you to taste popcorn.


Zina Ramirez,
Beloved Dictator

To: The Edenstein Football Association
From: The Little Miss Muffet Football Association
Subject: *insert raspberry sound here*

Dear Eddie;

Well, you've done it again, Ed. If you weren't so much fun at parties, I would be very put out with you! Bun-Hon's gone into one of his holes, and we can't coax him out. And Octoron is wandering about, off his feed (hasn't eaten a single "puny human" since the match), and mumbling under his breath about sending your side a big cake with "hat moisten", or something, baked in it.

It was rather unfair of your side to eat those officials. I'll be the first to admit they were making some very bad calls, but it just seemed to me that towards the end of the match, you know, after both eatings, all the calls were going in your favor.

Well, that's the way the curds get "a whey", as we say here in Little Miss Muffet! You've won the Arachne Cup once again. Maybe next time - you know, they do say "third times the charm" - whatever that's supposed to mean!

Just wanted to congratulate you and your Test Subjects, Eddie 'ol pal! I just can't stay mad at you, you cutie, you!

Red
The Red Queen
Monarch of Little Miss Muffet
Defender of That Which Needs Defending
All Around Good Gal
And President of the Little Miss Muffet Football Association

The Empress Petra, Psychotic Dictator of the Arachnarchy of Espario, would like to send her finest giant evil spider warriors to compete in the next Arachne Cup :twisted:

A Missive

Query Regarding the Possibilities of GESFL Season 4

All Giant Evil Spider Football Associations
(including those who may not yet have participated in the GESFL)

My Dears!

How are you? We are, with a minor exception, quite well. But that exception is...well...exceptional.

Perhaps you're having the same little problem we are here in Little Miss Muffet. It's the Muffeteers, you see. They haven't that much to do, and are becoming tense, stressed, and are snacking on entirely too many puny humans. Peolpe are beginning to notice.

Would there be any interest in a 4th Giant Evil Spider Football League Season? That might keep 'em busy.

Is there a Giant Evil Spider Football Association who would like to host a 4th season?

Hopefully yours,

Red
The Red Queen
Monarch of Little Miss Muffet
Defender of That Which Needs Defending
All Around Good Gal
and President of the Little Miss Muffet Football Association

The Tarantulas might be interested, but i fear the spread sheet is beyond the capacity of their puny human-made computer.

Edenstein would be intrested in fronting a team again.

Okay, so far that's

Little Miss Muffet - Muffeteers
Tanah Tarantula - Tarantulas
Edenstein - Test Subjects
Espario - Giant Evil Spider Warriors
Warnocks Wizards - Shelobs Obsession
Kaze Progressa - Blackwidow Makers
Lovisa - Rafaelburg Cancers

(7)

I still think we need at least one more...and - a host?

there - it worked this time

The Empress Petra, Psychotic Dictator of the Arachnarchy of Espario, will allow her finest giant evil spider warriors to compete in the next Arachne Cup :twisted: :twisted:

Okay, so far that's

Little Miss Muffet
Tanah Tarantula
Edenstein
Espario

(4)

I still think we need a few more...This is what happens when one is not careful. I know I switched to LMM before I posted this, and I know I posted it as an edit and not a quote, but...

Please include our spider children in the next version of the Giant Evil Spider Football League. Now that we have dispatched with incompetent two-leg manager Guntur Ruak, perhaps our children will fare better.

Also, we rise from our lair in support of our friends the Tarantulas hosting the next league. We are sure they can find a better system than the one that uses the faulty human spreadsheets. Perhaps utilising a system similar to the one that humanoids Tanah Burung used for the Frosty Invitational would be in order.

Shelob-VIII-Legs

In their first ever appearance in international eight-legged sport, Black Widowmakers, Farela - Kaze Progressa's arachnid heroes - will participate in the forthcoming Giant Evil Spider Football League season.

Lovisa apply a Rafaelburg Cancers

I think we'll wait just another few days, then get on with it regardless. If no one else volunteers to host, LMM will. Match play will begin sometime tomorrow (Monday, February 16, in the evening (EST)). Then there will be a couple days when I won't be able to get on line, so don't worry if the second match day isn't until Thursday or Friday.

Competition will take place at the following venue:

Giant Evil Spider Football League 4th Season to Start SOON (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2748916#2748916)

Side Participating in GESFL 4th Season
1 Little Miss Muffet (2) - Muffeteers
2 Tanah Tarantula (3) - Tarantulas
3 Edenstein (1) - Test Subjects
4 Espario (5) - Giant Evil Spider Warriors
5 Warnocks Wizards (4) - Shelobs Obsession
6 Kaze Progressa (5) - Blackwidow Makers
7 Lovisa (5) - Rafaelburg Cancers

1st number - Side number for determining Who plays Who
Number in Parenthesis - Rank. Rank from GESFL 3 has been "compressed" (1 through 4), and all "newbies" to GESFL are ranked one below previous participants at 5.

Schedule of Play (home side listed first)
Day One - 1vs2, 3vs4, 5vs6, 7-bye
Day Two - 7vs1, 2vs4, 3vs5, 6-bye
Day Three - 1vs6, 2vs3, 4vs7, 5-bye
Day Four - 3vs1, 5vs2, 6vs7, 4-bye
Day Five - 1vs4, 6vs2, 7vs5, 3-bye
Day Six - 5vs1, 7vs3, 4vs6, 2-bye
Day Seven - 2vs7, 6vs3, 4vs5, 1-bye

Days 8 - 14 are the same match-ups, reversed.

At the end of match play, there will be two semi-final matches. The match-ups for the semi-finals will be 1st place vs 4th place, 2nd place vs 3rd place.

A Third place match will feature the two sides that do NOT win the semis.

The Final will feature the two sides that win the semis.

http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=134382

I know I posted this in the other threads but I wanna try and get as many as I can