NationStates Jolt Archive

The darkness of the night.

It encompassed him. But he didn´t fear it. It was his element. The shadows were his element.

A few hours ago, he got the orders. Time was short, but there was a reason they called him 'The best'. The reason: He IS the best.

And he would fulfill his mission.

You`re dead, old hag. He thought, a grin in his face.

This night, it would be his night. And SPECTRE`s night, for that matter.

He didn`t have to wait long. Luckily, TST forces had destroyed SANTA`s main base a while ago. Santa was on the run, and it was easy to reconstruct his route... Concerned mothers, fearing the child molester that gave their children some sweets, shocked policemen, who cursed at 'The Idiot' who run over them with a reindeer sledge (Although this proved to be less reliable... SPECTRE was confused when Santa went to scandinavia, where such events seemed to be quite normal).

But they had him, and he just had to wait...

There!

There he was... the red terror, starting his mission of love, and bribery.

But not today.. today, it would be different.

He laughed, laughed like a maniac, when he fired the gluegun...

"Ho Ho Ho!" It came, loud, followed by a gasp, and the sound of the crashing sledge, the reindeers noises of pain, when their legs broken, their red noses started bleeding...

And then, silence.

---

Deep below, in the giant underground complex, the evil overlords hideout, Santa awaked from his unconciousness.

He was bound, chained on something...

"Thats a tank with 5000 litres of sulphuric acid. And YOUR grave!"

Santa looked at the man in front of him. It was a fairly bold man, sitting in a (rather expensive- looking) chair, a white cat on his lap. Both, the man and the cat, seemed to show him a dark, evil grin.

"What do you want?"
"Your job."

Santa looked fairly surprised. THAT was something he heard for the first time. But then... it seemed to be logical. After all, he was extremely well paid, loved by all... and had to work only a single night in the year. Yes, in the end, it was quite logical that others would want his job.

"Well...."

The man in front of him didn`t wait for Santa to finish the sentence.

"My name is Blofeld. Evil overlord Blofeld. My plan: I will give the children your christmas presents. I, not you. They will love me. And then, when all is finished, i will hold a speech. I will address everyone in the world, and i will inform them that I realised that the corrupt governments of the world are not able to govern it! It will tell them that it is ME who should rule them, and I will rule the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Santa looked at the strange man in front of him. He must be mad...

"They will never accept that! They love ME! They will refuse to follow you!"

Blofeld gave him a scary look. Santa felt a strange coldness.

"Well... yes, thats possible. However..." He hesitated, and pointed at a large assembly line to the right of Santa. All the christmas presents he had in his 1*1*1m sack with x- dimensional structure (To get 1000*1000*1000km christmas presents inside of it) were brought to it by several black- and pink clothed henchman. "We will include a little present in every single christmas present. A little capsule, full with gas. If my first plan fails, i will detonate the capsules, the gas will be set free, and the entire world, every single being on it, will sleep for about 72 hours. They will sleep, and miss christmas. They will sleep during christmas. And this fact, the fact that they missed christmas, will make all of them INSANE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Santa couldn´t believe it. This was... impossible! The man in front of him... this... this...

"YOU MONSTER!"

Blofeld giggled. "Don`t worry. You wont be present to witness it. See..." He pointed to a place above Santa`s head. "The sulphuric acid will slowly destroy the tank. Once it`s done, you will be flooded with sulphuric acid, and die. Merry christmas for you, dear Santa. This is my present for you." He smiled, while a henchman, standing at his side, looked nervous. "Why... why not simply shoot him? Now, in this moment, to make sure nothing happens?"

Blofeld looked at his henchman with eyes as cold as the russian winter. Without saying a word, he drew his gun, and shot the guard in the head. Then he bowed to Santa.

"It`s all about tradition, but they never understand it..." He looked... sad. "The paid henchman today... Really... it´s a shame."

Then he went away, presumably to prepare for his own 'Christmas world tour'.

*tags*

http://www.bateshome.com/jordan/stewie.gif

Hey, :evil:
no he didnt i kiddnapped him and held him for ransom! Sucked in to every1 who wont get any presents this christmas! Its all for me! *yes* :twisted:

bye xxx Electravia

Federal recon sats found evidence of a crashed sleigh with the remains of seventeen lobsters around it. Recon teams tagged it for investigation.

Sat recon also showed a greenish man fitting Carlos Quil'raya's profile eating the remains of the lobsters driving the sleigh. So far no reports have indicated anything tag worthy in this evidence.

http://www.futurama3000.de/bilder/fanart/2acv04-santa_claus.jpg

[Ah, careful with the huge, screen-stretching images there ~ Mod]

He knows knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you're on the can
He'll hunt you down and blow your arse from here to Pakistan

Oh, you'd better not scream
You'd better not move
You're better off dead I'm telling you dude
Santa Claus is gunning you down

(Apologies for pic)

OOC Rezo is fine with gods in this, don't bitch.

"Good morning Mr Bond."
Yamatto 20CE opened one eye balefully, it'd been a late night and even gods needed to sleep on occassion. "What do you want Eru?" he snarled at the avatar currently floating at the end of his rumpled bed.
"And why the hell are you calling me Mr Bond!? It's Christmas Eve for pete's sake, shouldn't you be celebrating your kid's birthday?"
Eru smiled gently "Not overflowing with holiday spirit Yama? There's a reason for that you know."
Yama's teeth ground audibly. "It may have escaped your notice, but I'm the culmination of every death by war in the 20th Century, and as such I am not exactly a holiday machine."
Eru smiled again, patience and wisdom coming off him in waves. "That attitude is exactly why I have selected you for a little job I need doing. You see, in an other Earth, someone named Blofeld has kidnapped Santa. You and Daebra are going to find him, release him and act appropriately to the season while doing so, so no devastating worlds and so forth."
Yama glared at God. "Bleh. You're entirely too demanding as an employer old man."
An impish grin appeared on the old man's face. "For the little children Yama."
Yama glared "When have I ever cared about little children? But alright, I'll do it, you'll only find something even less dignified for me to do if I don't. And it avoids visiting somewhere charitable with the Wilding Court."
Eru smiled "I knew you would my son. Here are your tickets. Oh and Merry Christmas." He vanished.
Yama reached out and shook the shoulder of the pale, darkhaired woman asleep in the bed next to him. Rolling over she blinked brown eyes "Whaa, Yam, it's 4am, we're not opening presents now!"
He grinned and stuck his tongue out. "No we're not. Himself has given us a job to do for the holiday."
Daebra groaned and pulled a pillow over her head, then yelped and jumped as Yama whipped the duvet off as he rolled out of bed. She swore and threw the pillow at him, which he caught without looking round.
Daebra snapped her fingers and was clothed in a burgundy jumpsuit, she floated over to her partner and looked over his shoulder at the passports he was perusing. They were for somewhere called "Der Angst" and the passports were for "Pierce Connery" and "Denise Berry".
Yama muttered grumpily. Daebra grinned "God moves in mysterious ways."
"He's got a shitty sense of humour, don't try and cover for him. Apparently we were born in Flemingville."
Daebra continued grinning "Well we'd better live and let die then hadn't we?"
Yama eyed her balefully "You're entirely too soft on the old goat. But I suppose we'd better get going. After all you only live twice."
Daebra flashed dimples at him "That's my boy."
A bright flash filled the room and they vanished.

OOC It's Christmas time for the War God!

<insert crazy bond theme here>

Blofeld stood there, now wearing the red.

"Goddamnit, thats hot! And i mean 'hot' as in temperature, not as in 'skimpy red christmas bikini my secretary wears right now to turn me on!' How the hell can this guy suivive inside this... suit?"
"I don`t know, my dear..." The aforementioned secretary stepped foreward, leaning against Blofelds shoulder. "Perhaps you should just... undress and let me doing the rest?" Her voice was seductive, and hard, if not impossible to resist. For a moment, she looked at Santa, who was still chained on the tank full of sulphuric acid, sobbing. Her eyes showed her lust, but she knew better than to admit it. She wasn`t stupid, and had learned from her seventeen predecessors who ended in aforementioned tank full of sulphuric acid. "What a man..." Blofeld looked at her, a hint of distrust in his eyes. "A man... you`re the man." And she kissed him, not soft, but with all the passion she had, wild, and without any bounds of dignity. "I`m sure we can wait with the operation for just... five minutes?"

Blofeld looked at her, her seductive look, her beauty, her... He gulped. "Yes. Yes, of course." I wonder why i always choose women. They `re always seduced by some stupid male hero. Bah, they`re just too good.

Meanwhile, more and more christmas presents were 'edited', prepared for the strike. While Blofeld undressed his secretary (which only took a mere three seconds), and gasped at the sight of her unprotected beauty, he thought about the future. Children missing christmas. sleeping through it... Their tears... my joy... their pain, my victory... their despair, my life elixir And he moaned in joy. Not because of his secretary, but because of his evil, evil plan.

The underground complex was fairly vast. Nobody knew exactly HOW vast, since all the old construction plans had been lost during the last failed attempt to achive world domination. Many parts were still destroyed, while others had been rebuild, some parts were completely new. One part, the newest part of the whole complex, was just finished, and the construction workers started to party, congratulating themselves on the wonderful, brilliant drohne gun construction that would make sure that this particular part of the complex would never, ever been successfully attacked by invaders.

Blofeld. just finished with his secretary, and still sweating, pressed the button, and watched with glee when the drohne guns started firing.

"Construction workers cannot be trusted. Of course, we may have certain problems hiring new ones, since no one who ever signed a contract with us lives, but hey..." He looked at his secretary.

"You`re such a genius, my dear. God, how i love you!" And she kissed him.

"God? Who´s that? ARE YOU BETRAYING ME?"

---

Above the giant underground complex, the city stood. And in the center of the city, a giant tower with 666 floors stood. On top of the tower, the giant neon- sign said it:

SPECTRE- HEADQUARTERS

A Blofeld corporation

New headquarters of Christmas Int. Ltd.

Inside the tower, No. One was talking to his minions. "I hope anything is prepared?"
"Most definitely, yes. We already got calls from families, asking when Santa will arrive. Thank god we got Santa`s Cellphone."
If looks could kill, this one would have killed the undewrling asnwering No. one. And, well, actually, No. One`s looks could kill. The underling fell from his chair, dead. The others looked at him, frightened, full of despair, hopeless. They knew: One wrong word, and they would end the same way.

"Very good, then. Well, as always, some random hero will try to destroy us, to stop our evil ways. But they don`t know where the underground complex is, and the complex is heavily guarded. Of course, there is a way where one could reach the complex without any problems, that is, by way of THIS, our surface headquarters. But don´t worry. Nobody suspects that we`re the secret headquarters of SPECTRE!"

The underlings cheered. Yes. Nothing could stop them now. In this moment, a call from Blofeld came.

"Yes?"
"I need a new secretary. The old one... well..."
"Ok. Will do."

---

Santa looked at the smelling skeleton in front of him, that had once, mere minutes ago, been a woman. A beautiful woman.

"Merry christmas." Blofeld said to him, again, cheering.

---

Meanwhile, No. One interviewed the replacement.

"So, you`re the sister of Blofelds last secretary, who had this tragic accident with a tank full of sulphuric acid... Your psychologic test says that you are a very... vengeful woman, and you´re easily falling in love with hero`s that rescue you if you`re in grave danger?"
"Yes," She smiled sweetly, touching No. One`s chin."
"I`m gay."

She removed her hand from him.

"Anyway... yes, yes, that profile almost matches Mr. Blofelds profile... yes, yes you`re perfect for him... You`re a willing sexslave and you`re enjoying violent sexgames, i presume?"
"Definitely." Her smile at this moment could have forced a hundred man to divorce immediately. And, well, the guards standing the the room took out their cellphones to do exactly that. "I also LOVE pets. Especially piranha´s with lasers on their heads."
"Wonderful, you will love our aquazoo. The guar..." He hesitated. "The guards i will soon get to replace the fishfood that just left the room will lead you to Mr. Blofeld."

Yama and Daebra stood outside the towering building. The monstrous building towered ominously above them, lightning crackling at it's gargoyle ridden spires.
SPECTRE HEADQUARTERS read the stories tall sign on the front.
Yama groaned. "You've got to be shitting me. This can't be real."
Armed guards patrolled round, natty looking uniforms encrusted with snow as Daebra eyed the tower. "Hmm. It's awfully phallic. Suppose that's why he's a super villain, compensating for something?"
Yama, rubbing his chin and looking..well..heroic frowned "Probably. Now I suspect, based on thousands of hours of watching movies featuring idiots like this, that the villain will either be in the top of the tower, or in a secret underground base underneath is. Probably has attack piranhas with lazers on their heads."
Daebra blinked "Why?"
Yama waved a black gloved hand disgustedly "It's a 20th Century thing. All movie villains had one or the other."
"No I mean why lasers, surely they'd slice each other up as they swam?"
"Buggered if I know, I dealt with real people, not directors."
Daebra brushed dark hair out of her eyes and eyed the HQ some more. "How do we get in, you're not going to massacare everyone again are you, I know they're evil, but it's so messy and gross."
"Not allowed. Have to do this in a holiday fashion. Oooh, there's an idea."
He lifted off the ground gently, snow obscuring him and Daebra, who also lifted off and followed him as they floated to the top of the building.
Yama looked at a massive grate on top of a chimney smugly. A laser security grid was made clearly visible by the falling snow.
"Well Rudolph, looks like we're going to be doing a fat man and going down the chimney."
Daebra frowned "Isn't this stupidly obvious chimney going to be a trap?"
Yama chuckled "You'd think so, but they never bloody are."
Both of them disaparated and reapeared underneath the grid and moved down the person sized duct, which was just the right size for a heroically sized individual, while at the same time tight enough to force Daebra to wiggle and cavort, demonstrating a nicely shaped bottom in the skintight bodysuit.
"I feel so used."
"Heh, you're the one who was keen on helping the old goat."
"Well at least we're not at the Wilding Court this year, I don't think I could face the chamberlain again after what you did."
"Oh come on, that Christmas Tree needed a fairy at the top, and they don't come much more of a fairy than him."
"Yes but although he's a fairy, I don't think he was the kind that enjoy things being inserted..well there."
"Bah, served the supercilious little bastard right." and on this statement Yama dropped into an empty corridor. On the wall was a map of the building marked "#1's Command Post ^, Evil Lair of Blofeld >, Toilets & Canteen <."
Daebra dropped down behind him, leant forward, absorbed the contents of the map and winced. "They're not serious. Tell me they're not."
Yama, grimacing woodenly spoke "We have to kill them. No one this dumb should be allowed to live."
Daebra nodded "The last time I heard anything this stupid I was watching one of your old history discs with that chimpanzee who ran America was it? on it. He was rambling about how we had to "pay freedom's price."
"Ah. Well yeah he was pretty dumb. Now we'll take a walk."
The twosome walked swiftly down a corridor, passing by various rooms, in one a heavy looking table had a laser poised above it, in another was a vast painting of a menacing looking man with steel teeth. As they turned a corner a short, fat, asian man wearing a bowler hat got up from behind a desk. "Stop theyah. Are you hero-sans?" Yama looked down Daebra, who looked back up, brown eyes twinkling. She stepped forward and waved her open hand in front of the odd little man's eyes. "We are not the heroes you are looking for."
"Yu ah not the heros I ahm lookeng fohah."
"You should go about your business." Yama struggled to maintain a pokerface behind his partner.
"Ai will go aboutah my business. Waitah! Why you wavah a hand, you tink you some kind of flucking jedi!" The little man leaped at Daebra, whipping one shoe off and swinging it menacingly, yelling "BANZAI!!!!".
Yama sighed, gently lifted Daebra clear and kicked the asian man through a wall. A splash could be heard and shouting came audibly "AIIIIE! the acid! Ai amah meyorting! meyorting! Wait, Ai seah the light, oh the wondahful glooow!"
Yama blinked. Daebra blinked. They looked at each other, shrugged and continued walking down the corridor.

"No. One, we got an energy spike!"

The evil henchman became nervous. They knew: The very moment a handsome hero would show up, their lifes would end. But No. One wasn`t overly nervous. Following the events on the bigass homecinema system he bought a while ago, eating the selfmade- popcorn, he watched the heros approaching.

"Fools. Do they really think it`s THAT easy?" He laughed, and pressed a button.

Outside, the two heroes, Daebra and Yama, walked along, following the completely empty and unguarded hallways.

Well, until suddenly, the ground below their feet vanished. They fell about ten meters deep, and landed directly at the feet of No. One. He smiled.

"I`m number one, nice to meet you, gods from a different dimension."

Daebra and Xamo looked at each other, confused.

"Oh, you wonder why i know about it?"
"Yes."
´"Simple. We got a strange... 'Energy spike' when you entered. And this particular energy spike... well, it could [i]only be gods from a different dimension. See, all of us, every single being, has a very unique structure. And this..." He pointed at the 16*9m screen in front of them. "This is yours. And don`t even ask how we knew your energy structure."
"Plothole?"
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU KN... Nevermind. Any way, you will now face a horrible, horrible death. We have an excellent surgery specialist, only for you... Dr. No, this are your victims."
The doctor showed a thin smile.
"Anyway, since it wont take long until our mision is completed, your mission failed. Obviously."

Dr. No stepped forward, alot of nasty- looking (and nasty- sounding) instruments on a table on his side. "Welcome to the party..."

"No!" It was a womans voice.

"What is it?" No. One turned around, and now, Yama and Daebra could see her. She was beautiful, her only clothes a nearly transparent Bikini and tiny, expensive white boots. Daebra immediately turned red. That bitch has to die.

Yama`s reaction was somewhat different, though. Damnit, why are they so tight?

"They..." The woman looked at Yama, her hair beautiful, her smile a thin, and anything below just a single, enormous sin. "I`m sure Mr. Blofeld wants to see them." Se grabbed a gun. "You know, he enjoys killing people. And killing deities... well, i`m sure he would die to get the chance and kill one."

No. One looked slightly annoyed, but finally, he nodded. "Very well. But they are deities. We need to make sure they don´t try to escape."

"I`m sure i can handle it."
"No. You, and you, you will protect The young lady." He pointed at two random guards, which quickly exchanged looks. First with themselves, then with the two women present in the room. Their eyes showing nothing but greed and lust. "Yes, sir!"

It seemed like they enjoyed the possibility.

Both heroes boosted to a higher state of conciousness and Yama eyed his wife..
<Ok, you were right. The floor was trapped. I bow to your knowledge of crappy old movies my love.> Yama 'pathed Daebra.
<Don't my love me buster, I can see where you're looking. Keep your hands to yourself or I'll amputate 'em.> was the response.
Mental laughter came from Yama ,<Mmm, feisty, later eh? you know I don't like blondes. Try looking more worried instead of angry. We're supposed to be trapped here.>
Daebra's mental voice lost the jocularly angry tone and became puzzled.<Uh yeah, why *are* we playing along? I mean they're baseline humans, you generally refer to them as "squishies" for God's sake.>
<This No. 1 chap has put so much effort into capturing us, I don't want to hurt his feelings by just killing them all. It'd be a waste of a perfectly good comic villain.>
Daebra raised an eyebrow. <You and your projects. Alright, I'll play along for a bit.>
They dropped back down to a normal plane and let the guards drag them away, Daebra's guards leering villainously at her. They marched down a corridor until the secretary, Siri Galore, ordered them to stop. From somewhere in her costume she produced a shiny riding crop and a small pair of plastic ear points, which she put on. "Right, now take this..Daebra away, and do what ever you want with her." She leered in a disturbing fashion. The two guards, practically drooling dragged Daebra into a small room immediately next to where they'd stopped. Siri eyed Yama "And you my precioussss are coming with me, so we can discuss something before I take you to Blofeld." She prodded him down the corridor with the riding crop.
Meanwhile in the small room the guards were licking their lips and eying Daebra. She composed her features into a scared look and spoke "Look, if you don't hurt me, I'll co-operate. If you unty me...well I'm very good with my hands."
The guards, openly drooling now, quickly removed the tyes securing Daebra's wrists. She smiled "Alright boys, I just need to get my wrists limber, why don't you tell me your names?"
The first guard, a tall man with protuberant eyes, stuttered "Mmy namess Alexander Roani!" The other guard, who was chiefly distinguished by his one continous eyebrow, panted "And, huh, huh, I'm Marty Iesis!"
"Those are such nice names boys, now looks at my hands." Daebra waved her hand in front of their eyes, both guards mesmerised by shapely fingers wagging in front of them
"You two don't like women at all. You can't beat the thought of touching one." Daebra intoned.
"We don't like women and can't bear the thought of touching one."
"You find each other very attractive."
"We find each other very attractive." they chorused.
Daebra shut her eyes "You're going to let nature take it's course."
"We're going to let nature take it's course!"
Daebra, eyes still shut, ducked out of the room and slammed the door behind her. She leaned against it and shuddered, disturbing squelching sounds were almost immediately audible from behind it. She shuddered again and looked up the corridor as a door smashed off it's hinges and Yama burst out, minus his jacket and vest. He looked at her and motioned for her to follow, then sprinted off. Daebra teleported alongside him and paced "Why're we running away?"
Yama panted "That woman, she's, gods, she's a SUCCUBUS, I've never been in terror of rape before but damn!"
Daebra looked back in time to see the bountifully naked secretary step out of her room and yell "My precioussss! Come baaaaaack!"
Yama blanched and sped up. They sprinted through multiple corridors till arriving at what seemed to be an indoor ski lift. The twosome exchanged a look, shrugged, called in a bobsleigh and surged down the hill.
Siri Galore arrived at the top of the lift and shrieked "She took it from us, our precioussss!" and bounced down the lift after them, skiing on her..assets. This precarious chase continued round hairpin corners and sweeping curves (no, not Siri Galores) until they reached a massive jump labelled "Blofelds Lair, Direct Route". The huge jump launched them into space and they fell, and fell...

OOC Please don't kill me Siri, it was all Rezo's idea I swear! :twisted:

Siri Galore cursed. She had told him everything. That she wanted to kill Blofeld, who killed her sister. That she loved him, Yama. That she wanted to be with him, that that bitch that was with him would be removed, for his greater good...

But he refused to follow her.

She cursed him. Put a spell upon him to enslave him, for her own needs.

I will free him.

And so, she followed them. It was a bit cold, though, since the warmth of the bikini wasn`t there anymore.

Then they fell...

Oh... My... I... I see the light!

And as they fell deeper, and deeper...

SHINY!

While falling, she finally slowed down, using her |337 gravboots to stop her fall.

However, Yama and 'That Bitch' seemed to have vanished. But determined as she was, she had no doubt in her heart: I will find them, and i will make sure that she will never, ever again stand in my way.

Yama and Daebra landed... well, somewhere else, using their (or his) divine powers to survive crushing onto the ground.

"Where the hell?"
"Are we?"
"In my masters secret hideout, fools!

They knew the voice.

"No. One." Yama said it as if he was spitting out a curse.
"Indeed. Well, my dear friends... It´s going to end. It`s going to end soon. You see, i knew it from the v... he, HE! That m... MY!"
"Yes, yes. Now it`s my time. I demand more screentime, damnit!" Blofeld cursed. "Well, it`s me, your good friend, Blofeld. Welcome to your grave."
"If you didn´t realise it yet, we have divine powers. You can`t defeat us."
"We will see. First of all, you hve to find a way out of this dungeon. But beware. There is a man in there. A man with a golden gun. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA." He stopped, but only for a moment. "Have fun."

---

At another part of the giant complex, Santa was still chained.

Goddamnit. The moment someone unchains me, i`m gonna destroying the world.

He muttered, and counted the rats around him. They didn´t yet risk nibbling on him, but it was just a question of time...

He looked to above, where the sulphuric acid was coming closer... he could feel it´s warmth...

Soon, soon it would be finished...

Agsin, he cursed. F*cking job. I should have stayed at home, with that cute elf...

Yama muttered and ran a hand through his hair. "Fuck. We should've stayed in bed."
Daebra giggled "I haven't ever seen you that flustered, afraid of the nakey elf wannabe are we?"
Yama eyed her balefully "Someone is going the right way for a spanking. Now as I want to die another day, we'd better find this prick with the golden gun. I feel like perpetrating something R rated on someone."
"Oh, me first."
"Evil woman."
They set off, Yama forming a new shirt and jacket as they walked cautiously through Blofeld's lair, looking around for any more of the kooky shit that this place seemed to engender. Rounding a corner they blinked as two men whirled to face them. One, a tall skinny, pointy eyeballed looking man who had been stuffing his face with cake, yelped shrilly "The Imperialist Opressor heroes! AAAAAH! Quickly comrade! we must overcome them with the fraternal bonds of socialism and the power of R consoles!"
The other man, a huge, amorphous shape, belched massively, nearly felling Yama and Daebra by that alone. "Calm down Ocean Goblin, these little ones are no danger to me, Shave Rentavo! I am INVINCIBLE!"
Yama grinned "Always wanted to find someone who thought that."
Another voice boomed out "Who dares disturb the slumber of the Man With The Golden Gun?"
All four looked round as a tiny man carrying a massive golden pistol staggered out into the open space they were standing in. "I am Interior Incursion, the man with the golden gun. Which by the way, shoots MIND BULLETS. Nuclear ones."
Daebra blinked. Yama blinked. But Ocean Goblin was not slowed!
"You could only have acquired such a large and golden weapon through the EVILS of capitalism! I, OCEAN GOBLIN, shall defeat you with the power of R consoles!" The skinny man leaped forward and Interior Incursion began pumping out rounds at him as he ducked and weaved. The bullets whizzed past and smashed into the massive Shave Rentavo, who bellowed in anger. Knocked off it's feet, the huge creature, which seemed to be composed of many different things, screamed "You are not killing me! I. Can't. DIEEEEE!!!"
Yama and Daebra looked at each other, exchanged nods and ran through the room, leaving the three shooting and shouting at each other.
Daebra looked back "Well that was pretty damn weird." Yama nodded "We've got to find Santa and get the fuck out of here in case whatever is wrong with these people is catching."
"MY PRECIOUSSSSSS!"
"Aw shit" Our heroes looked up to see the descending, and still naked, Siri Galore. They could see *all* the way up, and it was a sight to strike awe into the hearts of men, elves, orcs and even the occassional slow moving broom.
"And now we run again." Yama nodded fervently in accord with this suggestion, and the two took to their heels.

OOC This thread is going to get me killed. :lol:

OOC: This is the funniest thing I've read in a while... Siri is either going to thwap you both or join in...

My money is on the thwap.

:lol:

Shouldn't this be over in the GENERAL forum?

*runs!!!*

Tag Tag Tag... and, you two are so dead :wink:

"Damnit. They`re killing each other instead of the intruders!"
"Well, yes..."
"Do something, No. One! Something! Anything! Protect my shiny ass!" Blofeld screamed, and No. One left the room.

However, there was a chance the battle could be avoided. It was mere minutes until the preparations would be finished, and then... then it would begin.

Santa Blofeld.

He could hardly wait. In his field of vision, reality and fiction became one, he already saw himself, leading the children of the world in a crusade for his, yes, HIS kingdom!

He watched Santa, still chained there.

"Well, i guess it wont take long until the sulphuric acid kisses you good night."

Santa looked up, in fury, his eyes... eyes... cold, dark, full of hatred.

"You will pay. All will pay! THIS WORLD WILL NEVER, EVER AGAIN WITNESS CHRISTMAS!"

Blofeld shrugged. "True. I have no intention of keeping this up until next year."

Then he took his cat, and petted her, enjoying her purring. "Yes, yes, i will feed you, soon... they are coming near..."

---

At this very moment, Siri Galore succeeded in catching up to the two fleeing... things.

"Got you!"

She screamed, and attacked Daebra, furious in her hatred, and, one has to admit it, in her combat skills, always aiming for the parts of the body most preciousssssss for a woman.

Both fighting with fury, and hatred in their eyes, they hit yet another door, and what they saw, let them stop fighting immediately:

There was Blofeld, on a sleigh, the sack on his back, artificial reindeers in front of him.

There was the giant tank full of sulphuric acid, Santa chained on it...

And there was No. One, pressing a button.

The next thing they heard, was furious laughter, and Blofeld, escaping on the sleigh. Oh, and the sulphuric acid dropping on Santa.

"That gotta hurt..."

But Siri Galore saw it... their last, best hope, for victory: A second sleigh, and beneath it, a few guards in their pink uniforms.

Gotta take that chance. Now, or never!

Yama frowned. Time to quit screwing around. Time stopped for the nondeities in the room as he stepped between two instants and freed Santa, then hauled him back out of the path of the acid.
Time returned to normal and Blofeld's sled scorched up into the sky. The guards turned and charged towards the group, but the all the world was not enough to save them. Yama, more than a little pissed off, flicked a wrist and the guards exploded, scattering organs and blood all over the platform.
Daebra opened her mouth, looked at Yama's face and closed it again.
Siri Galore also mimiced this procedure. Santa sighed hugely. "Damn, that was a close one."
"The asshole is getting away." Yama barely opened his mouth. He'd lost. He hated losing.
Santa grinned and pulled a cigar from out behind his ear. "Not while I'm around he isn't. Now, it's time to kick ass and eat candy cane. And I'm all outta candy cane." Reaching into a small pouch on his belt, he produced a large pump-action shotgun and a smaller version of his robe which he handed to Siri Galore.
"Mount up you three, and I'll show you the true meaning of Christmas."
Siri pulled the robe on, eyed Yama, backed away as the snarling from Daebra reached audibility and hid behind Santa who slapped her on the ass. "Good to have elves around again."
They clambered aboard the sleigh, Santa snapped his fingers and the reindeer were replaced with massive, furry beasts with intelligent looking eyes. "Right my horned minions, this Blofeld asshole is trying to put us out of a job. Let's get out there and fuck him up."
The sled lurched and Yama, Daebra and Siri were thrown back by g-forces. Santa grinned evilly around his cigar and loaded shells into his shottie as the sleigh rocketed after Blofeld, the lead Reindeer's red nose tracking him easily.
Blofeld looked round, eyes wide and mouth open as Santa's sleigh ate up the distance between them "How can this be!?, I Melted you!"
Santa laughed "Ho Ho Motherf*cking HO!" and blasted at Blofeld with the Mossberg.
Blofeld screamed "Holyf*ck!" and ducked as his sleigh driver was smeared into paste by the blast. Santa gave his signature "Ho Ho Ho!" and fired again, then handed the reins to Siri "You drive wench! I'm going to give Blofeld his lump of coal by suppository!" and with that he leaped between the two sleds, fat body arcing like a rubber ball.
Blofeld gasped "No, this cannot happen, I am the Master now!"
"Only the master of evil you pussy!" Santa backhanded Blofeld and he flew back into the body of the sled.
Blofeld screamed and scrabbled in the body of the sled, looking frantically for something to defend himself from the ravening St Nick with. The sleds rocketed onward as Siri pursued Blofeld's sled with lust gleaming in her eyes, the image of Santa combined with the words "What a MAN!" echoing through her head.
Yama and Daebra looked at each other. "Well they seem to have the situation in hand."
"Indeed." More laughter and screams drifted across from the other sled.
"Time for us to go I think."
"Mhm." Daebra vanished.
Yama leaned over Siri's shoulder, whispered "It would never have worked, blondes just aren't my type, but I think the fat man is yours.." in her ear with a grin, and vanished as well.
Blofeld managed to haul his sled upward and Santa dropped out, landing effortlessly in his own sled.
Santa grinned "Nothing like beating the crap out of a pussyboy amateur to get you in the mood for Christmas. Follow that bitch!"
Siri nodded, chest heaving with desire, and murmured "what a man!" to herself again.
The two sleds were now rocketing over Der Angst at chimney height, and Santa began firing his shotgun at Blofeld again, laugh booming as he did.
"Ho Ho Ho! Merry f*cking Christmas pussy boy! Santa's got a gift for you, the gift that keeps on giving, ASSKICKING!"

Blofeld panicked, he just wanted to be away, far away from the maniac Santa...

Meanwhile, at the Secret Base, No. One was watching all of it.

Fools, we`re still having an ace...

Blofeld was chased. He was on the run. Once again he had to escape justice. But, to be honest, he had routine, and slowly, his panic attack vanished. The two sleighs were now in some kind of dogfight.

No. One watched as the two sleighs were outmaneuvering each other between the Menelmacari gravships above the city. It wasn`t too good, several elves were simply... overrun by the slides, adn their fire didn´t make the chasing any easier. Heavy plasma explosions melted the snow in the city, while cars exploded, and Santa`s shotgun ended more than one innocent life, Blofeld always dodging in the last second.

"Eat this, bastard!" he cried, and fired his S.W.A.R.M. missiles.

Santa dodged, and watched the missiles hitting a nearby Kindergarten.

"Merry Christmas, children!" He shouted, while enjoying his cigar. Then he turned to look at Siri Galore. "You know... This city just needs cosmetic surgery." With that, he fired two AAM`s at Blofeld, but missed, again, instead hitting the christmas tree of a family just presenting the presents to their children.

"Well, ashes ain´t so bad a present. Bastards, thats my job!" And with a curse, he fired another missile, this time at the parents.

What a man. Siri was clearly in love with him. And this was the moment it happened. She touched him, kissed him...
Obviously, he enjoyed it, dedicated to find out the secret of Siri Galores... more intimate bodyparts.

And No. One pressed yet another button, and on his giant home cinema thingy, the picture appeared... the sleigh self- destructed, throwing Santa in the air, literally shooting him into orbit...

"Merry Christmas, world."

---

A few hours later, Elves that escaped the Coalition of Evil attempt to conquer the north pole, found Santa, and brought him back home...

Even later, he could begin bringing the christmas presents to all the survivors. Luckily, the victims of the chasing made it much easier, since they weren´t on the list... not anymore.

Have to remember that trick for next year...

Blofeld however, was found and rescued by his henchman, and resumed planning world domination... Next evining, he would succeed

Chris, the mutated former slave worker of that bastard Santa, had had enough.

The others just thought he was jealous of the old man. Your name is Chris, ha ha, Chris Kringle is just an elf, you'll never advance in SantaCo, buahaha!

He grinned in the blinding white of the arctic. Soon, they would see. He trudged forward, his tiny legs barely managing through the snowdrifts, especially with the twin Rudolph 9mm automags hanging off his thigh holsters.

All his life, toiling away, for no pay or pension! Only to be made fun of by other elves! It was outrage! He picked a nuclear boil on his chin, angrily.

But he wasn't alone now. TST had seen to that, though TST had not seen that. Chris was just refuse, a mistake.

But he wasn't alone. The mutated elves would march. And they would destroy their soft-skinned brethren.

Nothing can stop me now... he thought, remembering a NIN lyric.

(OOC)- That is one creepy elf. :shock:

The sound santa's sleigh would make landing on a roof...a gentle bump...

OOC: *ROFLs*