Drunken Hosers
20-12-2003, 04:30
Today, the Drunken Hoser parliament gave tentative approval to the development of uranium mining in the once pristine wilderness of our fair country. Industry spokesperson Myra Bartle described the move as a "positive development", but added that "the red tape brigade is killing jobs".
Bartle went on to say: "Our young nation needs to rapidly develop its resource sector, in order to attract foreign capital and trade opportunities. Does beer grow on trees? No. So, let's cut them down, so we can build an economy that can provide every worker with all the beer he or she needs. The wood might be worth something, anyway."
Environmental activist Mason Fallwell was less pleased by the government's announcment. "Ravaging our precious old-growth forests is bad enough, eh? But, uranium? We might as well be mining death itself. It's gonna get into our water, into our soil, and soon even the beer won't be fit to drink."
Prime Minister Bob, when asked about the announcement, said "Mining will create jobs for Hosers. That's my first priority. Foreign exchange would be a beauty, but we have to look after our own first." When pressed on the environmental costs, Bob said "Jeez, it's not like we don't have a friggin' zillion trees in this country. Mining will only be allowed in carefully selected areas and twice that much forest land will be designated as National Parks, funded by the taxes paid by the mines. So, we'll all have more places to go, kick back, and relax with a cold one. It's win-win!"
This is Richard Ransom, reporting for Hoser News.
Bartle went on to say: "Our young nation needs to rapidly develop its resource sector, in order to attract foreign capital and trade opportunities. Does beer grow on trees? No. So, let's cut them down, so we can build an economy that can provide every worker with all the beer he or she needs. The wood might be worth something, anyway."
Environmental activist Mason Fallwell was less pleased by the government's announcment. "Ravaging our precious old-growth forests is bad enough, eh? But, uranium? We might as well be mining death itself. It's gonna get into our water, into our soil, and soon even the beer won't be fit to drink."
Prime Minister Bob, when asked about the announcement, said "Mining will create jobs for Hosers. That's my first priority. Foreign exchange would be a beauty, but we have to look after our own first." When pressed on the environmental costs, Bob said "Jeez, it's not like we don't have a friggin' zillion trees in this country. Mining will only be allowed in carefully selected areas and twice that much forest land will be designated as National Parks, funded by the taxes paid by the mines. So, we'll all have more places to go, kick back, and relax with a cold one. It's win-win!"
This is Richard Ransom, reporting for Hoser News.