NationStates Jolt Archive

"If you ain't wheezin' yet, then you haven't experienced Laramie!"

In addition to our refreshing variety of smooth, rich tobacco-related products, including Laramie Slims and Laramie Ultra-Tar Kings, we introduce to you our newest innovative product -- ToMacco™!

ToMacco™ is a hybrid vegetable, consisting of an outerlayer of tomato and a gooey, brownish core of our smooth and mild Laramie tobacco. Studies have shown that it is 95% less likely that you would contract any form of cancer. Here's a comment from the qualified Dr. Julius Hibbert:

"Huh?"

As you can see, Dr. Hibbert has no quarrels with our newest product. We gurantee* you that this product is not only safe, but that it is actually healthier for you!

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Now a word from our corporate mascot, Menthol Moose:

Hey kids! Are you sick and tired of always being denied the chance to puff a smooth, refreshing Laramie cigarette? Are you tired of the government placing ridiculous restrictions upon what you can smoke? What about that lousy smoking age law? And that you need an ID to legitimately purchase a packet of harmless cigarettes?

Well, wipe those tears away and turn that frown upside-down and purchase a bucketful of ToMacco for only $6.22! That's right! ToMacco gives you the same satisfaction of chewing tobacco or inhaling toxic... err... smooth hazardous chemicals... err... tobacco. And guess what? Anyone can buy ToMacco, regardless of sex, age, race, or creed! Isn't that terrific? So get up and visit any local grocery store or corner shop and ask for some of Laramie's ToMacco!
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And finally, a comment from one of our first costumers, local boy Bart Simpson from 742 Evergreen Terrace. Now, Bart, what would say if asked about your opinion of ToMacco™?

"It tastes like cigarette butts, but it's smooth, mild, and refreshingly addictive!"

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, ToMacco™ is gonna hit it big so grab yourself some -- and invest some stock into Laramie while you're at it!

http://simpsons.metropoliglobal.com/opinion/aabf19/bart-tomacco.gif
Bart Simpson, enjoying some ToMacco™

*not a gurantee


Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

We want the young Mr. Simpson to personally accompany our order of five-thousand crates ot ToMacco. The children of our country love his acting and want him to make a public apperance. We will pay for Mr. Simpson's lodging and travel expenses.

We want the young Mr. Simpson to personally accompany our order of five-thousand crates ot ToMacco. The children of our country love his acting and want him to make a public apperance. We will pay for Mr. Simpson's lodging and travel expenses.

We'll do our best to convice Mr. Simpson to accompany the order, although he is quite pre-occupied with his addiction to ToMac... I mean homework.

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

<OOC: This is my last resort, this is my last resort: Bumpfication!>

We are interested in such a product. We will sell a limited amount to see how our people respond to the introduction of ToMacco. Perhaps to promote it, you could send along with of your spokepersons to our Economical Trade Exhibition next month.

We are interested in such a product. We will sell a limited amount to see how our people respond to the introduction of ToMacco. Perhaps to promote it, you could send along with of your spokepersons to our Economical Trade Exhibition next month.

Great, how many shipments would you like?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

We are interested in such a product. We will sell a limited amount to see how our people respond to the introduction of ToMacco. Perhaps to promote it, you could send along with of your spokepersons to our Economical Trade Exhibition next month.

Great, how many shipments would you like?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

A modest shipment of 1,000 crates would do for an introduction of your fine product.

We are interested in such a product. We will sell a limited amount to see how our people respond to the introduction of ToMacco. Perhaps to promote it, you could send along with of your spokepersons to our Economical Trade Exhibition next month.

Great, how many shipments would you like?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

A modest shipment of 1,000 crates would do for an introduction of your fine product.

Certainly. Now, how would you like the ToMacco delivered? By ship, plane, or catapult?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

We are interested in such a product. We will sell a limited amount to see how our people respond to the introduction of ToMacco. Perhaps to promote it, you could send along with of your spokepersons to our Economical Trade Exhibition next month.

Great, how many shipments would you like?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

A modest shipment of 1,000 crates would do for an introduction of your fine product.

Certainly. Now, how would you like the ToMacco delivered? By ship, plane, or catapult?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

Our sea ports are under intensive reconstruction following a recent earth quake that struck our only coast line, so, plane would be preferrable, because if they come in by catapult, as amusing as that is, our anti-aircraft guns and artillery will shoot it down.

We are interested in such a product. We will sell a limited amount to see how our people respond to the introduction of ToMacco. Perhaps to promote it, you could send along with of your spokepersons to our Economical Trade Exhibition next month.

Great, how many shipments would you like?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

A modest shipment of 1,000 crates would do for an introduction of your fine product.

Certainly. Now, how would you like the ToMacco delivered? By ship, plane, or catapult?

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

Our sea ports are under intensive reconstruction following a recent earth quake that struck our only coast line, so, plane would be preferrable, because if they come in by catapult, as amusing as that is, our anti-aircraft guns and artillery will shoot it down.

Very well, a cargo plane bearing the Laramie logo on its side will fly into Kryozerkia carrying the cancerous... did I say cancerous? I meant cleansing ToMacco. Enjoy!

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

Prices have been slashed! Rolled back! Now purchase a bucket of ToMacco for only $5.88! Incredible!

-Larson

Now with 50% more nicotine!

-Larson

Come on people! Buy 200,000, get one free!

-Larson

Tsk... tsk... tsk... you people are only a step away from true nirvana...

Jack Larson
Spokesperson of Laramie Cigarettes

OOC: You crack me up. :lol: :lol:

IC: The Eredron government wishes to purchase 300 lbs. of this "ToMacco". Aerial shipment preferred, to New Eredron Intl. Airport.

Feel free to open stores or sell it to stores, Everything else is legal exept for drugs that interfire with workers ability to work properly.

Zerni Minster of Commerce

SS, would you be interested in a Cheese based tobacco product? With our extensive export business, we could assist in perhaps a Cheese/Tobacco product called........um........'Co-Cheese'.
Should be big with the American Indian population...

OOC: You crack me up. :lol: :lol:

IC: The Eredron government wishes to purchase 300 lbs. of this "ToMacco". Aerial shipment preferred, to New Eredron Intl. Airport.

<OOC: :P >

IC: Excelente, senor! 'Tis a wise choice indeed. Several cargo planes will leave for Eredron with the precious cargo once the pilots are sober again.

Feel free to open stores or sell it to stores, Everything else is legal exept for drugs that interfire with workers ability to work properly.

Zerni Minster of Commerce

Of course it will not interfere with a worker's ability to work! Name one additive that does such a thing. Studies* have shown the ToMacco increases a worker's ability to work. Shipments will begin to Zerni when our pilots are sober again.

SS, would you be interested in a Cheese based tobacco product? With our extensive export business, we could assist in perhaps a Cheese/Tobacco product called........um........'Co-Cheese'.
Should be big with the American Indian population...

Cheese-based tobacco, eh? Sounds terrific!

*studies were taken by the Department of Tobacco Sales, USA during the 1920s

-Larson