Wombat News
04-12-2003, 18:01
Steel Butterfly, Wombat News
Steel Butterfly has announced that it is launching a new stock exchange and derivatives trading centre that will be staffed entirely by "rehabilitated monkeys". (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=100141)
Head of the exchange, Martin "Apeman" Bormann, explained the rationale behind the operation to Wombat News. "It may seem incredible to allow simple minded primates who have barely evolved over the last two million years to trade huge amounts of other people’s money - but we figured they've been doing it in Menelmacar and Tor Yvresse for the last 100 years, so what the hell? We've set up a state-of-the-art trading floor incorporating real-time financial information from around the world. Complex statistical analysis packages then provide instant decision support on the applicability of a stock for a particular risk portfolio. Of course, the monkeys just ignore all this and bash the big red button labelled 'Sell'. Occasionally some of them hit the green one marked 'Buy'. And one of them might urinate on his computer keyboard after a high-nut lunch."
The launch of "PrimEx" follows on from a successful venture by Steel Butterfly into call centres, where it was found that although the primates were not particularly good at English most people couldn't tell the difference from an existing call centre. Gorillas were recruited as managers to supervise the call routing procedure. They were trained to listen to keypad tones indicating the callers preferred option and then ignore it and connect them to another gorilla who repeats the whole process. "In a single month we were able to reduce customer complaints by over 90% for Pink Bunny Cola as everyone gave up after half-an-hour of pressing buttons and listening to soothing New Age jungle sounds," explained a delighted Mr Bormann, now walking around the floor on his knuckles and feeding a banana to one of his employees using his feet.
Musing on his next venture, Mr Bormann is contemplating a literature production facility. "We figure that after training our primates up on a diet of SeOCC and Roanian 'literature', we can have them banging out dross and drivel at a greatly enhanced rate. From there we can move into newspapers, television sit-coms, who knows, even satire, although that would be by far the hardest, obviously - and maybe even a step too far."
However, there is already some dissent from within the ranks of the monkeys regarding pay and conditions. "We're kept in scandalous accommodation with rudimentary toilet facilities and paid peanuts," claimed union official Orang. "And don't get me started on the company travel policy. They seem to believe that a second-hand tyre suspended on a rope is suitable executive transport."
Steel Butterfly government officials, however, have ruled out intervention on behalf of the primates, claiming that the ventures fell outside current legislation. "Anyway," added a spokesman, "we've just engaged them as the lead contractor for our national rail network: what could be fairer than that?"
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE BANANA SKIN ON THE SOLES OF TRUTH
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Steel Butterfly has announced that it is launching a new stock exchange and derivatives trading centre that will be staffed entirely by "rehabilitated monkeys". (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=100141)
Head of the exchange, Martin "Apeman" Bormann, explained the rationale behind the operation to Wombat News. "It may seem incredible to allow simple minded primates who have barely evolved over the last two million years to trade huge amounts of other people’s money - but we figured they've been doing it in Menelmacar and Tor Yvresse for the last 100 years, so what the hell? We've set up a state-of-the-art trading floor incorporating real-time financial information from around the world. Complex statistical analysis packages then provide instant decision support on the applicability of a stock for a particular risk portfolio. Of course, the monkeys just ignore all this and bash the big red button labelled 'Sell'. Occasionally some of them hit the green one marked 'Buy'. And one of them might urinate on his computer keyboard after a high-nut lunch."
The launch of "PrimEx" follows on from a successful venture by Steel Butterfly into call centres, where it was found that although the primates were not particularly good at English most people couldn't tell the difference from an existing call centre. Gorillas were recruited as managers to supervise the call routing procedure. They were trained to listen to keypad tones indicating the callers preferred option and then ignore it and connect them to another gorilla who repeats the whole process. "In a single month we were able to reduce customer complaints by over 90% for Pink Bunny Cola as everyone gave up after half-an-hour of pressing buttons and listening to soothing New Age jungle sounds," explained a delighted Mr Bormann, now walking around the floor on his knuckles and feeding a banana to one of his employees using his feet.
Musing on his next venture, Mr Bormann is contemplating a literature production facility. "We figure that after training our primates up on a diet of SeOCC and Roanian 'literature', we can have them banging out dross and drivel at a greatly enhanced rate. From there we can move into newspapers, television sit-coms, who knows, even satire, although that would be by far the hardest, obviously - and maybe even a step too far."
However, there is already some dissent from within the ranks of the monkeys regarding pay and conditions. "We're kept in scandalous accommodation with rudimentary toilet facilities and paid peanuts," claimed union official Orang. "And don't get me started on the company travel policy. They seem to believe that a second-hand tyre suspended on a rope is suitable executive transport."
Steel Butterfly government officials, however, have ruled out intervention on behalf of the primates, claiming that the ventures fell outside current legislation. "Anyway," added a spokesman, "we've just engaged them as the lead contractor for our national rail network: what could be fairer than that?"
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE BANANA SKIN ON THE SOLES OF TRUTH
http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid87/pda22c0ab2140ceb42cbbf0f2271afd5b/fa9f249c.jpg