Akilliam
01-12-2003, 18:53
He enjoyed the daytime most of all - in stark contrast to most of his peers. He, since that day three years gone, had avoided the night time. It brought out the demons he so feared. Quintus was a man by some standards, but still a boy in many respects. Fear, overwhelming fear gripped him on a daily basis. But what tortured him so? The fear of fear. It was a vicious cycle of fear breeding fear.
And then there was the middle ground. He would gladly take either extreme. Sanity or insanity. Gay or straight. Life or death. But Quintus had not yet seen any of those extremities. He was, after all, schizoaffective - just insane and sane enough to torture his mind every day. He was bisexual. Just enough that he considered himself nothing more than a greedy bastard. And, worst of all, he wasn't really living, nor could he die.
But the lust for death was there. And that was also the problem. It was a paradox that reaped untold stress on his mind. He desired death on one hand, he viewed it as a release from his fear of death. But when a person is placed in such an extreme situation - the problem can not be the solution, the solution can not be the problem - anyone would snap under such circumstances. But Quintus could not allow himself to snap. He was only schizoaffective - just sane enough to be scared.
Quintus often asked himself, Why worry about going crazy? You'll never know it! But it was a worry. He'd seen the worst of human mental illness and realized that it wasn't a path he should - or could - take. And so he came to the inevitable question, What is one life? His answer, as best he could surmise: Fear. Fear and doubt and pain. Fear without end, doubt without reason, pain without release. So he slumped in his computer chair and readied himself for the long fight.
This battle could only have one winner. Though he resolved to win, there was always that doubt nibbling at the back of his mind. What is one life?
And then there was the middle ground. He would gladly take either extreme. Sanity or insanity. Gay or straight. Life or death. But Quintus had not yet seen any of those extremities. He was, after all, schizoaffective - just insane and sane enough to torture his mind every day. He was bisexual. Just enough that he considered himself nothing more than a greedy bastard. And, worst of all, he wasn't really living, nor could he die.
But the lust for death was there. And that was also the problem. It was a paradox that reaped untold stress on his mind. He desired death on one hand, he viewed it as a release from his fear of death. But when a person is placed in such an extreme situation - the problem can not be the solution, the solution can not be the problem - anyone would snap under such circumstances. But Quintus could not allow himself to snap. He was only schizoaffective - just sane enough to be scared.
Quintus often asked himself, Why worry about going crazy? You'll never know it! But it was a worry. He'd seen the worst of human mental illness and realized that it wasn't a path he should - or could - take. And so he came to the inevitable question, What is one life? His answer, as best he could surmise: Fear. Fear and doubt and pain. Fear without end, doubt without reason, pain without release. So he slumped in his computer chair and readied himself for the long fight.
This battle could only have one winner. Though he resolved to win, there was always that doubt nibbling at the back of his mind. What is one life?