Shutthehellup
26-11-2003, 01:50
Whydontyou, Shuttthehellup (AP) -- After centuries of foreign rule that nearly pushed the tiny state into permanent obscurity, Shutthehellupians finally have a nation to call their home.
In a ceremony that authorities estimated was attended by nearly one million of the tiny nation's six million citizens, the red, gold, blue, and white flag of Shuttthehellup was raised over the "Freedom Hut" in the capital of Whydontyou, which will be the official seat of government and home of Parliament.
The Rgt. Hon. Dan Macheret was sworn in as the nation's first Prime Minister and President, on the Freedom Hut's only step. The two political scientists that attended the ceremony both agreed that it was unusual to have one man serve as both the Head of State and the Head of Government in a Parliamentary Democracy, but proceeded to shrug their shoulders and went for a bite to eat.
Macheret is the hero of the so-called "Shutthehellupian November Revolution" which was notable for the fact that not a single shot was fired and not a single person hurt, although there were scattered reports of two scraped knees. Macheret's group of about 20 nonviolent protesters and activists are largely credited with winning independence for Shutthehellup after nearly 600 years of foreign rule. Because of their lack of an official name, the group has become known as "The No-Names."
"At last, we have a free, independent, sovereign Shutthehellup to call our own! The tyrannical Eurasians will be our masters no more!" shouted Macheret in his innaguration speech. His enthusiasm was met with a smattering of weak applause.
In reality, experts say that The Republic of Eurasia's 100-year rule over the tiny Shutthehellup brought unprecedented prosperity to the region and ended nearly 500 years of constant war in which Shutthehellup nearly ceased to exist after constantly changing hands between Oceania and Eastasia.
After nearly three months of constant protests by Macheret's No-Names, the decisive day came on November 21st, 2003 when the King of Eurasia was visiting Shutthehellup as part of his winter vacation. The No-Names lay down in the street in front of the King's convoy, bringing it to a halt. The King got out of his limousine and asked Macheret what the problem was. After a brief negotiation, Macheret was granted independence for Shutthehellup, while the King of Eurasia would still be allowed to vacation in the newly-formed country free of charge.
"Why the hell not?" said the King upon being asked why he had granted Shutthehellup independence so readily. "The only reason Eurasia conquered Shutthehellup in the first place was so that the Royal Family could have a reasonably quiet and picturesque vacation spot. He agreed to let us take our vacations here just like we always had, and I was in a bit of a hurry that day, so I didn't really think twice about giving him his measly independence."
"Quite frankly, I wasn't even aware that we were having a revolution," commented a spectator in the crowd. "I'm not sure what the Prime Minister's beef with the Eurasians was, but I trust it was something big, since it made him go to war an put Shutthehellupian lives on the line." Upon being informed that not a single drop of blood was shed during the Revolution, he concluded, "Well, anyway, I'm sure he can't do THAT much damage as PM, so it doesn't really matter how it happened."
The first session of Parliament chose the double-headed penguin as both its national animal and national bird. The double-headed penguins have outnumbered humans nearly ten-to-one since a nuclear reactor melt-down in 1984 caused mass mutation in the region's penguin population. Today, ordinary Emperor penguins are almost extinct, while the double-headed penguins freely roam the streets of almost every city and town.
The Shutthehellupian currency is the whatthehellisthiscrap, alternately refered to by residents as the "what" or more recently as the "crap" as its value has plummeted after the Revolution.
The Parliament also adopted "How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?" as the national motto, which narrowly beat out "If there's one thing we HATE, it's intollerance!" by a vote of 12-to-9. Both mottos were put forth as suggestions by the newly-created Ministry of Irony and Humor.
Cheese Racing has been named as the official national sport ( http://www.cheeseracing.org/ ), and Minister of Foreign Affairs Wynston Smyth urged all neighboring nations to, "please buy our cheese! The state of our struggling economy depends on it! You will not find more aromatically smelly or foul-tasting cheese than Shutthehellupian cheese in all the universe!"
The Opressed Peoples of Shutthehellup's application for entry into the United Nations was recently accepted, and Minister Smyth was appointed as STHU's embassador to the UN.
STHU -- "How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?"
In a ceremony that authorities estimated was attended by nearly one million of the tiny nation's six million citizens, the red, gold, blue, and white flag of Shuttthehellup was raised over the "Freedom Hut" in the capital of Whydontyou, which will be the official seat of government and home of Parliament.
The Rgt. Hon. Dan Macheret was sworn in as the nation's first Prime Minister and President, on the Freedom Hut's only step. The two political scientists that attended the ceremony both agreed that it was unusual to have one man serve as both the Head of State and the Head of Government in a Parliamentary Democracy, but proceeded to shrug their shoulders and went for a bite to eat.
Macheret is the hero of the so-called "Shutthehellupian November Revolution" which was notable for the fact that not a single shot was fired and not a single person hurt, although there were scattered reports of two scraped knees. Macheret's group of about 20 nonviolent protesters and activists are largely credited with winning independence for Shutthehellup after nearly 600 years of foreign rule. Because of their lack of an official name, the group has become known as "The No-Names."
"At last, we have a free, independent, sovereign Shutthehellup to call our own! The tyrannical Eurasians will be our masters no more!" shouted Macheret in his innaguration speech. His enthusiasm was met with a smattering of weak applause.
In reality, experts say that The Republic of Eurasia's 100-year rule over the tiny Shutthehellup brought unprecedented prosperity to the region and ended nearly 500 years of constant war in which Shutthehellup nearly ceased to exist after constantly changing hands between Oceania and Eastasia.
After nearly three months of constant protests by Macheret's No-Names, the decisive day came on November 21st, 2003 when the King of Eurasia was visiting Shutthehellup as part of his winter vacation. The No-Names lay down in the street in front of the King's convoy, bringing it to a halt. The King got out of his limousine and asked Macheret what the problem was. After a brief negotiation, Macheret was granted independence for Shutthehellup, while the King of Eurasia would still be allowed to vacation in the newly-formed country free of charge.
"Why the hell not?" said the King upon being asked why he had granted Shutthehellup independence so readily. "The only reason Eurasia conquered Shutthehellup in the first place was so that the Royal Family could have a reasonably quiet and picturesque vacation spot. He agreed to let us take our vacations here just like we always had, and I was in a bit of a hurry that day, so I didn't really think twice about giving him his measly independence."
"Quite frankly, I wasn't even aware that we were having a revolution," commented a spectator in the crowd. "I'm not sure what the Prime Minister's beef with the Eurasians was, but I trust it was something big, since it made him go to war an put Shutthehellupian lives on the line." Upon being informed that not a single drop of blood was shed during the Revolution, he concluded, "Well, anyway, I'm sure he can't do THAT much damage as PM, so it doesn't really matter how it happened."
The first session of Parliament chose the double-headed penguin as both its national animal and national bird. The double-headed penguins have outnumbered humans nearly ten-to-one since a nuclear reactor melt-down in 1984 caused mass mutation in the region's penguin population. Today, ordinary Emperor penguins are almost extinct, while the double-headed penguins freely roam the streets of almost every city and town.
The Shutthehellupian currency is the whatthehellisthiscrap, alternately refered to by residents as the "what" or more recently as the "crap" as its value has plummeted after the Revolution.
The Parliament also adopted "How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?" as the national motto, which narrowly beat out "If there's one thing we HATE, it's intollerance!" by a vote of 12-to-9. Both mottos were put forth as suggestions by the newly-created Ministry of Irony and Humor.
Cheese Racing has been named as the official national sport ( http://www.cheeseracing.org/ ), and Minister of Foreign Affairs Wynston Smyth urged all neighboring nations to, "please buy our cheese! The state of our struggling economy depends on it! You will not find more aromatically smelly or foul-tasting cheese than Shutthehellupian cheese in all the universe!"
The Opressed Peoples of Shutthehellup's application for entry into the United Nations was recently accepted, and Minister Smyth was appointed as STHU's embassador to the UN.
STHU -- "How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?"