NationStates Jolt Archive


Wombat News: Biotopian Computers Drowned in MP3 Witch Hunt

Wombat News
25-11-2003, 16:41
Salem, Biotopia, Wombat News

The IT department of the Biotopian Bureau of Statistics today destroyed eleven computers during a witch hunt for illegal files, mainly MP3s, on employee computer systems. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=96994)

A giant tub of sea-water was wheeled around, and suspicious computers were dumped in. If the computer floated, then it was considered possessed by MP3s. If it sank, then it was considered pure and returned to the employees.

Chief of IT Security Fluff Head explained, "We know that MP3s are lighter than air, hence they should float on the water. The same applies to pornographic files as well."

Head was heartened by the results of today's drownings. "It appears that our educational e-mails about the dangers of MP3s are working. Every computer sank like a stone today," he said with a smile.

Employees targeted by the search voiced concerns about the cost of the procedure, especially in the current economic climate. "We've already drained our computer budget for the entire year," said Sally Spender in Purchasing.

Hill responded to the cost concern. "I'd like to point out that a single MP3 on one of these computers could cost our company thirteen billion dollars in lost productivity according to a study released by the RIAA."

The Biotopian Bureau of Statistics used to test the systems on a "trial-by-fire" basis, but that was fraught with problems. Hill said, "Every time we'd light one of those computers up, the sprinkler system would go off. It was ridiculous. Now we have MP3 detection down to a science."

Betty Bishop, an administrative assistant in the sales department disagreed. "These guys have no idea what they are doing. Last week they were in here with giant magnets trying to 'cleanse my computer of corruption'. Then we got a memo saying that the giant magnets damaged the hard drives so they were going to dunk them in a vat of salt water. Morons."

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Thelas
25-11-2003, 17:03
*laughs*
Biotopia
25-11-2003, 17:11
The BBS would just like to point out that a new MP3 campaign has begun.

We will now be driving HB pencils into computers infected with MP3s. We have scientifically proven that if successfully lodged, the HB pencil frees the computer of its MP3s which are banished into the neither realms of computer programming, we know this because when we turn the computer back on they all report that “Operating software missing” and when we restore the software the MP3 have disappeared.

However if the MP3 remain we will throw goats blood and chicken bladders into the hard drive until the MP3 are destroyed, literally.
Knootoss
25-11-2003, 19:42
LOL - you silly wombat :wink:
Terraus
25-11-2003, 20:01
My god, this is hillarious... I am so fowarding this to the IT Department at my university.

*thumbs up for The Wombat*
Slagkattunger
26-11-2003, 08:28
ooc:- good one.