Ravenspire
23-11-2003, 06:05
Tir Eselyn, Ravenspire -- Kitsuki Technologies, Ravenspire's foremost infotech and entertainment conglomerate, announced today that it has decided to go through with plans to merge with Hell*. As part of the merger, Kitsuki Technologies will acquire ownership of Hell*, and many members of the former board of directors of Hell*, as well as Hell* C.E.O. Lucifer, will remain employed with Kitsuki Technologies in an advisory/consulting capacity.
"We saw it as a unique opportunity," explained Aoi Kitsuki, C.O.O. of Kitsuki Technologies. "Hell* possessed many of the qualities we look for in a prospective partner, of course -- independence, an established and growing client base, a long record of prominence in its field. But as we looked at the issue, we came to realize that it might be even more valuable as a wholly-owned subsidiary of Kitsuki Technologies. For example, Hell* has an established reputation for getting its clients what they want -- however unreasonable their requests may seem -- at a price many of those clients consider almost ludicrously low. But this is no mere loss-leader approach. Hell* has been doing this consistently for pretty much its entire history, and its market base continues to grow. Hell* has more clients today than ever before, and its profit statements are out of this world. Frankly, our biggest worry was that they wouldn't want to merge with us. Fortunately, we were able to come to an agreement."
She continues, "We look forward to getting a lot out of Hell*. For instance, we're already considering outsourcing all of our customer relations and complaints to Hell*. It seems they have lots of practice dealing with people. Also, we're looking at selling off some of its holdings. You wouldn't believe how much real estate they own. As they like to say, 'there's always room for one more, in Hell*.'"
The acquisition was not without its drawbacks. "At first, we were a bit hesitant because of rumors of unfair trade practices conducted by Hell*. But we investigated fairly, and we found that nobody was forced into Hell*. Every client they've had went there because they wanted to be there. I think that speaks well for the quality of service Hell* provides."
Negotiating the deal presented some unique problems, as well. "No native of Ravenspire could go to Hell*, of course. We had to use foreign-born workers, and for some reason, some of them had religious belief-related issues. And of course, we had to close down the branch office, Hell* On Earth, in Iesus Christi. But that sort of thing proved to be just a minor obstacle, in the long run."
Asked for comment on the issue, Lucifer said only, "I'd been interested in Kitsuki since their acquisition of that software company, Microwhatsis. I look forward to seeing what they'll do with the place."
What else is planned for Hell*? Aoi Kitsuki offers more possibilities. "We're looking at installing massive refrigeration units. We have records of verbal contracts promising us quite a sizeable profit if there should be a cold day in Hell*. And on the international note, we're considering setting up a diplomatic conference there. Instead of fighting our enemies, we can ask them to go to Hell*. Once we see them in Hell*, I'm sure there will be no further problems." The diplomatic corps had no comment regarding the plan.
Negotiations regarding a possible partnership with Heaven are ongoing.
* Hell refers to Kitsuki Technologies-Hell. Kitsuki Technologies makes no claims against or upon any third-party hells.
"We saw it as a unique opportunity," explained Aoi Kitsuki, C.O.O. of Kitsuki Technologies. "Hell* possessed many of the qualities we look for in a prospective partner, of course -- independence, an established and growing client base, a long record of prominence in its field. But as we looked at the issue, we came to realize that it might be even more valuable as a wholly-owned subsidiary of Kitsuki Technologies. For example, Hell* has an established reputation for getting its clients what they want -- however unreasonable their requests may seem -- at a price many of those clients consider almost ludicrously low. But this is no mere loss-leader approach. Hell* has been doing this consistently for pretty much its entire history, and its market base continues to grow. Hell* has more clients today than ever before, and its profit statements are out of this world. Frankly, our biggest worry was that they wouldn't want to merge with us. Fortunately, we were able to come to an agreement."
She continues, "We look forward to getting a lot out of Hell*. For instance, we're already considering outsourcing all of our customer relations and complaints to Hell*. It seems they have lots of practice dealing with people. Also, we're looking at selling off some of its holdings. You wouldn't believe how much real estate they own. As they like to say, 'there's always room for one more, in Hell*.'"
The acquisition was not without its drawbacks. "At first, we were a bit hesitant because of rumors of unfair trade practices conducted by Hell*. But we investigated fairly, and we found that nobody was forced into Hell*. Every client they've had went there because they wanted to be there. I think that speaks well for the quality of service Hell* provides."
Negotiating the deal presented some unique problems, as well. "No native of Ravenspire could go to Hell*, of course. We had to use foreign-born workers, and for some reason, some of them had religious belief-related issues. And of course, we had to close down the branch office, Hell* On Earth, in Iesus Christi. But that sort of thing proved to be just a minor obstacle, in the long run."
Asked for comment on the issue, Lucifer said only, "I'd been interested in Kitsuki since their acquisition of that software company, Microwhatsis. I look forward to seeing what they'll do with the place."
What else is planned for Hell*? Aoi Kitsuki offers more possibilities. "We're looking at installing massive refrigeration units. We have records of verbal contracts promising us quite a sizeable profit if there should be a cold day in Hell*. And on the international note, we're considering setting up a diplomatic conference there. Instead of fighting our enemies, we can ask them to go to Hell*. Once we see them in Hell*, I'm sure there will be no further problems." The diplomatic corps had no comment regarding the plan.
Negotiations regarding a possible partnership with Heaven are ongoing.
* Hell refers to Kitsuki Technologies-Hell. Kitsuki Technologies makes no claims against or upon any third-party hells.