NationStates Jolt Archive

Kaukolastan News Center Reports:
10/29: Kaukolastan today announced completion of its first nuclear bomb. The government has repeatedly denied a nuclear weapons program, calling WMD "A waste of money and a crime against the world." But today, a nuclear missile was paraded around Capital City, the ubitquosly named capital.

11/2: Today it was revealed that the missile was not in fact produced by Kaukolastan's Defense Ministry, but by semi-rogue General Allister Gredoras. Due to Kaukolastan's military's semi-feudal nature and the nation's multi-island structure, military groups often act independantly of each other, especially on the outlying islands. On the island of Isis, Gredoras was stationed to run a weapons complex, rumored to be the home of the Ion Tether control modules and the main uranium mine for the power plants. The Governor-General apparently built the bomb with rogue scientists help, then returned the bomb to the Capital to show his accomplishments. Minister of Defense Darrin Vek gave the General a medal and asked that the semi-stable military man remove his bomb from the parking lot.

11/8: It was revealed that during today's early morning "Parade of the Nuke", a regular event for the past week, Gredoras actually armed the device to better "feel the power seeping through". The government fled the Capital, and advised everyone to do likewise. Gredoras, losing hair from heavy radiation doses, riding astride his bomb, was quoted asking "Why is everyone going on vacation?" When Darrin Vek was asked what he planned to do with the rogue general, he fell over laughing hysterically. "What can I do? He parked a nuke in my fricking office! Where does a general with a nuke sit? Anywhere he wants!" The minister then collapsed into sobs. "He's nuts!"

11/10: General Gredoras mysteriously vanished with his nuke. In a secret, secure bunker, we asked Minister Vek where the nuke was. Here is a transcript:Repoter: "Minister Vek, where is the nuclear warhead now?"

Vek: "In a secure location." Wipes brow nervously.

Reporter: "Where's that?"

Vek: "If I told you, it wouldn't be secure." Looks about for exit.

Reporter: Growing suspicious. "Do you even know where it is?"

Vek: "Not really."

Reporter: "Then how is it secure?"

Vek: "It's not near me!" Turns to guards. "This meeting is over!"

This lends strong belief to the fact that Kaukolastan not only constructed a nuclear warhead and missile, but also lost the entire thing. General Gredoras was not available for comment, but an aide relayed the message, "He's staring longingly at the detonator. Help me get away from that psycho!"

11/11: Kaukolastan's Minister of Defense, Darrin Vek, declared today from a secure location located beneath miles of bedrock, that Kaukolastan never built a nuke, and that claims to the contrary were lies and panic mongering. He stated that he prefered to call Gredoras's "toy" a "Happy Sunshine Device", and that instead of a WMD, it should be called a "Tool of Ginormous Results". Then he retreated into his lead bunker.

Gulf of Honkin, off the coast of Kaukolastan-
"Tube ready to fire!" announced the torpedo officer of the S.S. Scurvey.
"Fire at will!" responded the captain. And with that, the torpedo officer fired secret agent John Pond out of the sub's torpedo tube.
Pond sped through the water for about 500 meters, then surfaced. He looked around, then swam to shore. When he arrived there, he removed his wetsuit, exposing a buisness suit. Pond walked up the shore to the main highway, and bummed a ride to Capitol City.

*posting as Kaukolastan, too lazy to re-loggin*
The city was mostly deserted, with a few nervous looking MPs trying to keep the terrified populace calm. Every few moments, an ambulance would speed by, an anti-rad unit in back.

11/12/03: In response to increasing suspicion of the possibility of weapons of mass destruction in Kaukolastan, East Poingly has declared war. The draft has once again been reinstated insuring that all 5 million men, women, and children will be available to battle this Axis of Evil.

"I'm not sure quite how this works," said the Prime Minister of East Poingly, "I mean, we just sort of declare war and that's about it. I'm not quite sure how to follow up with actual troops, or UN inspectors or anything. East Poingly isn't really even a member of the UN, but we are trying to establish force comprised of many nations. Our neighboring country of Poingly has offered up cookies and milk for our troops. We are very excited about this support. Of course, they also offered up the same cookies and milk to Kaukolastan, so we'll see how that goes."

East Poingly's declaration of war comes right after an announcement from the Kaukolastan government: http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=92025

The Airgate Hotel, Capitol City-
John Pond checked into the hotel at about two AM. He walked up to his room. He was so tired that he didn't notice the three burglars breaking into the Kalukostan Democratic Party Headquarters. Pond opened the door of his room, took off his clothes, and got into the shower. He washed himself off, put on the complementary bathrobe in the closet, poured himself a glass of burbon, and sat down on the bed. In the drawer of the nightstand, he found a CD player with a set of headphones. He put them on, and pressed the ">/||" button. Then he heard a pre-recorded voice in the headphones.
"Mr. Pond," it said, "you've made it this far. Now, your mission is to find the 'Happy Sunshine Device' and destroy it. We believe that it is disguised as an exibit at 'Condom Land'. When this CD finishes playing, put it in the microwave for thirty seconds. This will destroy all data on it."
Pond opened the CD player, put the CD in the microwave, and watched it sparkle and crackle with energy as it was nuked by the invisible microwave radiation. His "food" was finished cooking, so he put the CD in the trash. Then he went to sleep.

Please don't antagonize this madman! He's nucking futs, and he's got a nuke! By the way, the cookies are great for our morale in these bunkers... I mean... among the people. That's right! Among the people! We aren't running scared!

Gredoras replied to this statement by stroking his "Boom Tube" lovingly and attempting to find a minister to officially marry him and the Nuclear Warhead, named Bertha.

As Pond slept, a very loud parade went by outside. In front was a bunch of terryfied clowns and a mortally fearful marching band, this was followed by any citizen or military member who was nearby and impressed into the formation, and in the middle of this was a nuke on a flatbed, with General Gredoras astride the fully armed nuke (with a bride's veil on the tip), waving a cowboy hat in a tuxedo. He kept flipping the safety switch on and off and professing love for his bride-to-be.

Bryan T. Park Park, Capitol City, 10:53 AM-
Pond looked around the park. He walked over to the old man feeding the pidgeons, and sat down. "It's a nice day." Pond remarked.
"Yes, it is. But it's going to get hot. I'd go under the Kingsburrough bridge to cool off." the old man responded. And with that, Pond left to catch a taxi to the Kingsburrough bridge.

11/12/03 - The nation of Poingly, in an effort to end the feud between the warring nations of East Poingly and Kaukolastan, has sent cookies and milk to both sides. Many experts have questioned Poingly's actions, saying that this might cause a riff between the neighboring nations of Poingly and East Poingly, who, for the most part, pretty much leave each other alone.

"Any interaction," stated one expert, "is very dangerous between these two countries, positive or negative. The tensions have always existed but never surfaced due to lack of interaction. It simply shouldn't happen. I mean, the country is called East Poingly and it is slightly south west of Poingly. What the hell is up with that? Something is not right over there."

"People always seem to get along when eating cookies and milk," countered the President of Poingly. "It seemed like a good thing to do. This war and has gone on far too long, and we don't want to see anyone get hurt."

OOC:
http://www.toysrgus.com/images-art/bradley-clock-talking-strangelove.jpg

Under the Womanhattan side of the Kingsburrough bridge, Capitol City, 11:03 AM-
Pond looked around and found the dead-drop box. He opened it, and examined its contents. They were pictures of the Happy Sunshine Device, several typewritten pages, and two tickets to Condom Land. Pond began to read the typewritten pages, and found they were the iteneraries for the honeymoon of General Grendoras and his "bride". The papers revealed that they were going to Condom Land.
But Pond wondered why he had two tickets. Then he read the third page. It simply stated that he was to meet his contact ouside of Condom Land. It also stated his mission: Destroy the Happy Sunshine Device.
So that was it, Pond thought: We're going to Condom land!

OOC: Exactly.
IC: Pond's taxi was stopped once as an Elementary school let out and the children crossed the street. They were all dressed in Radiation Suits, and the school had a model mushroom cloud on top.

11/12: In recent news, a minister of Christ Unity Church was impressed into service to wed General Gredoras and Bertha the Nuke. He stated, "Normally, I frown on out of species marriages, especially to WMD- I mean, Tool of Ginormous Results, but he obviously loves this nuke, and who can argue with true love and Happy Sunshine Devices?" The terrified minister then began praying for forgiveness, as lightning bolts sought to strike him. In other news, General Gredoras is hosting a large reception at Condom Land. All citizens are welcome to attend. "It will be a blast." Gredoras declared.

Pond walked out from under the Kingsburrough bridge, oblivious to the children in their radiation suits, since, after all, it was Haloween. They must've all coordinated their costumes.
He hailed another taxi, and ordered its driver to take him to LaHuardia Airport. When he arrived there, he bought an airplane ticket for Pornlando, the location of Condomland. Then he boarded, and was on his way.

The stewardess began making semi-provacative statements to Mr. Pond, but not quite provocative enough to be Bond.

4:47PM, Pornlando International Transit Airport (PITA)-
Pond hailed a taxi, told the driver "Condomland". When they pulled up to a whorehouse, he said "No, you idiot, the theme park!"
Pond finally arrived at his destination, and saw something that millions of other tourists see every day: The rubbery gates of Condomland- the world's only birth-control themepark. He checked the instructions he had picked up at Kingsburrough, and walked over to one of the benches. Seated there was a woman dressed in a form-fitting radiation suit. She gave Pond a suit, and told him to put it on. "Everybody else has one on, you'll stick out if you don't."
"I'm already sticking out, if you know what I mean." Pond replied.
"Oh, just put it on." she ordered. They walked to the counter for prepaid tickets. Pond didn't care if he blended in, because hot pink wasn't really his color. But they walked in anyway, and sat down at an outdoor food court.

"Now, when do we blow up the Happy Sunshine Device?" Pond asked.
"We don't." she replied. "The weapon is friction-activated. We just have to cause enough friction, and it will lift off."
"And how do we cause that friction?" Pond asked again.
"We simply get all the people of the country to give it a massage."

The Octagon, Studenberg-
"Damnit, I'd think Pond would be able to destroy that Happy Sunshine thing by now." said the Secretary of Defence, Ronald Dumbsfeld, "Oh, what the hell, nuke Condomland back to the stone age."
And with that, the order was given to the SS Strangelove to launch one mid-range nuclear weapon at Condomland, transforming the once happy festival of safe-sex into a smouldering wasteland.
But Pond had escaped...

In the rubble, a single bunker was safe. The door opened, and a half-naked General Gredoras emerged, his eyes red with tears. "You will pay, Mr. Pond! You will pay for this!" And the sun set behind the madman as he plotted his revenge...


KNC Reports:
11/13: Today, life returned to normal as Kaukolastan's government returned to power and began to clean up the leaked radiation. Darrin Vek released this statement. "We're really sorry 'bout that mess. But you know, he did build a Happy Sunshine program, so we might as well keep it..."

John Pond will Return.

To clear things up, John Pond is an agent of the Barvaria-Studenland Agency of Central Intelligence.

To clear things up, John Pond is an agent of the Barvaria-Studenland Agency of Central Intelligence.
OOC: I knew he was a spy, just by the name, but since you didn't give the ending line, I did it. Sorry if I infringed, but Ian Fleming always ended James Bond books with "James Bond will Return".