NationStates Jolt Archive

After the moderate success of the inaugural GESFL season (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=1622041), Dire Arachnia announces that a second season will begin in due course. Any Giant Evil Spider nations or puny edible human nations fronting squads of genetically- (or otherwise-) altered spiders who wish to participate should post here or TG the Dire Arachnia Footballing Authority c/o the Sultanate of Dire Arachnia.

Participant nations so far:
Dire Arachnia
Warnocks Wizards
Oglethorpia
Tanah Tarantula
Edenstein

<OOC>This time around, results will be generated using the tried-and-true RAND()*1000 compared to D, where D=900-Ranking Factor. For teams that participated in the inaugural season, the Ranking Factor will be 20 times their place in the final standings; ie, 20 for Oglethorpia, the defending champions. Any new teams will be given a Ranking Factor of 100. So come on, all takers!</OOC>

Shelob-VIII-Legs to Field Side in the Giant Evil Spider Football League

Billionaire Perfume-Maker Unveils New Coach, New Club

From our news services...

Shelobs Lair, Warnocks Wizards--Billionaire perfume-maker and giant spider Shelob-VIII-Legs called a press conference today to announce that she will be forming a team of giant spiders to compete in the international Giant Evil Spider Football League. The club, which will represent the giant spider population of Warnocks Wizards, will be known as Shelobs Obsession in honour of Shelob's leading perfume line and her own personal dreams.

Ms. Shelob, who already owns humanoid side Shelobs Lair which competes in the domestic The One Ring Premiership, has been caught up in the football fever that is sweeping the Empire. In a brief statement she remarked, "It has always been a dream of ours to play in the World Cup. As we are a giant spider, that dream has always been but a remote obsession. Maybe, just maybe, by creating this club, that dream will one day become a reality for the beautiful eight-legged children of this wonderful Empire. We've always wanted to give back to our own community, and The Giant Evil Spider Football League gives us that chance." Ms. Shelob then introduced the man who will lead Warnocks Wizards spiders in the Giant Evil Spider League: Tanah Tarantula football guru Guntur Ruak.

Ruak, noticeably moved by Shelob's touching words, briefly thanked the perfume-maker for "this opportunity of a life time," and vowed to field a competitive side that will make the entire Empire proud. He also stated, "It is an honour to manage in an Empire where all the diverse creatures of the realm have freedom. Would it were like that in every nation." Ruak, who has quite a checkered past, is the former coach of the Tanah Burung national team and the Tanah Tarantula Giant Evil Spider team. He most recently was a consultant to the Evisceratomato national side.

Ruak will begin his search for players immediately. All giant spiders who have an interest in football should contact Shelobs Obsession. The new giant spider club will play at Shelobs Lair Football Stadium, the same facility the humanoid team of the same name plays at. Good luck to the eight legs.

Thrakhak the Slinger, reporting for WW1

ASSOCIATION OF FUTEBOL HQ
Tripoli, Maracaibo

Two men enter the office of Futebol Director George McDouglas; the first dressed in a fine black suit, the other with a hat reading "LOS POLVERINES FC" and a t-shirt on bearing a similar logo.

They are Populace Director Andrew Kreins and Oglethorpian World Cup-coach Guy Picciotto.

"Guy, Andrew -- please have a seat," McDouglas said, sitting back behind his spartan desk in the spartan room, the two men taking a seat in the spartan chairs.

Most of the national budget had gone to the people; leaving the government with facilities and offices decorated much like McDouglas's; spartan.

McDouglas sat down in his spartan business chair, first facing the Populace Director. "Mr. Kreins, i'm sure you're aware of our captured Dire-FIFA Spider futebol squad."

"We're considering entering them again into Giant Evil Spider competition."
"More power to you," said the Populace Director. "I'm sure the Oglethorpians will enjoy it all over again. You know, 11 giant spiders playing football, and all."
"Mr. Picciotto?"
"It gives Ray Krusen a job. Not a problem," said the younger man.

McDouglas stood up, almost startling the two men, nearly knocking over their spartan chairs onto the spartan carpeting. "Then we shall enter the Dire-FIFA squad for another season of play," he said.

---

To: Octavius Prime
From: George McDouglas, Association of Futebol
Subject: Giant Evil Spider Football League

We will enter the Dire-FIFA Spider-squad for a second season to represent Oglethorpia, the squad's benevolent keepers.

-- George McDouglas
Association of Futebol

You can count on Tanah Tarantula, of course.

We are delighted by Ms. VIII-Legs' entry, and hope that her example will encourage other newcomers to enter the league.

Edenstein wishes to submit out team again, they have been in serious training in the off season.

DAFA is pleased to announce that all four squads from the inaugural season will return, with at least one new entrant. We hope to see more new nations join our glorious second season.

Bump.

Bump

In a cave somewhere in Middle Earth, a slightly mad football coach and a large arachnid hover over a plethora of football-shaped eggs. The first one cracks, and a newborn spider emerges. Followed by another....and another....The arachnid looks triumphantly to the sky and cackles, "Hatch my pretty ones! Hatch! The world is your playground!"....

Sign up for the Giant Evil Spider Football League. Even an eight-leg needs a chance to play...

And maybe one last bump.

...

To: Octavius Prime
From: George McDouglas, Association of Futebol
Subject: Giant Evil Spider Football League

...the squad's benevolent keepers.

-- George McDouglas
Association of Futebol

I just reread what I wrote a couple of days ago, and it makes no sense to me.

Maybe I meant that the Oglethorpians are benevolent keepers, or something.

Whatever.

...

To: Octavius Prime
From: George McDouglas, Association of Futebol
Subject: Giant Evil Spider Football League

...the squad's benevolent keepers.

-- George McDouglas
Association of Futebol

I just reread what I wrote a couple of days ago, and it makes no sense to me.

Maybe I meant that the Oglethorpians are benevolent keepers, or something.

Maybe I'm just mad, but I understood it. :wink:

Skaialuk the Insane
Team Psychiatrist
Warnocks Wizards National Team

...

---

To: Octavius Prime
From: George McDouglas, Association of Futebol
Subject: Giant Evil Spider Football League

We will enter the Dire-FIFA Spider-squad for a second season to represent Oglethorpia, the squad's benevolent keepers.

-- George McDouglas
Association of Futebol

It would make a great deal more sense to me if it were worded like so:

"We, the squad's benevolent keepers, will enter the Dire-FIFA Spider-squad for a second season to represent Oglethorpia."

Gordon Newell
Foreign Relations Bureau

---

OOC: Also, it made sense to me, it just seemed gramatically wrong.

Ziggy, Weird, Gilly, and the gang would love to play in the GESFL. Though we're not Evil, we are spiders from Mars, and we're fairly giant. We'd be delighted to compete in such esteemed company.

Aladdin Sane
Duke of the Dominion of Spiders from Mars

Hi! We just ate the country next door, and now we're ready for some football! Yay!

Hey! Tasty human coach Guntur Ruak is now coaching another country. That will be confusing.

Our new coach is Tarantula. Here's her starting line-up:

Goal: Tarantula
Defence: Tarantula, Tarantula
Midfield: Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula, Tarantula
Forward: Tarantula

I'll post a roster when I get back from eating dinner.

1409, somewhere in Liverpool England...
"What?"
"You heard me. Send in a team."
"But Sports Minister, we don't have giant spiders..."
"Just send a team in already!"

TO: GESFL HQ, or who ever is in-charge
FROM: Liverpool England Sports Ministry
RE: GESFL participation

To whom, or what, it may concern
Liverpool England is considering sending Oddslavo in to this league. We'll transform the national side into spiders, and use their reserves for WCX!

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Dire-FIFA Spider squad announced
Oglethorpia finalizes it's Dire-FIFA Spider team roster.

By Bill Christmas

ARKHAM (BT) -- Ray Krusen, former Oglethorpian coach of World Cup 7 stands on the sidelines of an obscure, run-down training pitch, watching his Dire-FIFA Spider squad train for the second season of Giant Evil Spider Football League action.

The first season was a resounding success in Oglethorpia -- ratings off the charts, the people demanding more of the 7 ft spiders playing the game of futebol.

"We've got a good team this year," said Krusen. "Jimb- erm, #10 is lookin' good this season. And Guy- urk, I mean #6 has so many less trapping calls on him; the improvement is just amazing." Krusen seemed geniuinely pleased with the squad's improvement.

The squad for the 2nd season looks like this.

[code:1:c29597a9d4]
Oglethorpian Dire-FIFA Spider Roster
Giant Evil Spider Football League, Season 2

GK
El Ladrillo

DF
El Burro
Greg
Pete

MD
Edmundo
Curtis
Jim
Guy


FR
El Fuego
Dave
Phillipe

[/code:1:c29597a9d4]

As you can see, the naming scheme of the "speciments" has been simplified a great deal; it was of no help that the original roster document(s) were lost in a fire following the Oglethorpian win of the Arachne Cup in season one.

Said Ray Krusen, "we'll be lookin' to defend our title; it was great to coach that squad to victory in the first season [of the Giant Evil Spider Football League.] I hope I can keep it up."

Analysts attribute Krusen's confidence to a recent breakthrough in training techniques.

"We're indoctrinating them with images of Wonderteam futebol matches," said Gastón Black, head of research & development by the Porlamar National Labratory into new training techniques for the Dire-FIFA Spiders. "It's really great stuff. We'll see if it works, though."

"We'll see is right," said one skeptic right here at the Bureaucratic Tribune. "It won't make a lick of difference; we've got some real crackpots in Oglethorpia. Whatever, we've got one Arachne Cup to our credit. That's always good."

Keep your eyes peeled for the beginning of the second season of Giant Evil Spider Football.

Who deleted their posts? Now the forum pages are b0rk3d up.

Stupid forums.

And btw, bump. :?

Not me...

Oddslavo Team Roster
GK Al Tarantula
DF Joe Spider
DF Greg Spider-Tarantula
DF Craig Normal
MF Slaps Trout
MF Robert Tarantula
MF John Evicerate
MF Luis Tanah Ogle
CF (to be confirmed)
CF (to be confirmed)
CF (tbc)
Subs TBC

To be confirmed: The players have not been converted to spiders yet.

[Conversation within the Association of Futebol Office Complex.]

"Oddslavo's entering the Giant Evil Spider Football League."
"So?"
"They're transforming their players into spiders."

"...um, sir?"
"Lot of crazy bastards."

BUMP

An Announcement Regarding 2nd Evil Giant Spider Football

The Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages is sorry to have to announce that, although Snub Nose 38 does have Evil Spiders, and Giant Spiders, a couple of Evil Spider Footballs, and even a 2nd Giant, we don't have any Giant Evil Spiders at this time. We are not even in possession of a "puppet" state with a funny arachnoidal name (we are sure arachnoidal is not a word, but decided to use it anyway). We do, however, own this odd little island called +++++ off the coast of *********, where the Academy of Sciences is trying to cross bred some of our Evil Spider Footballs with our 2nd Giant. A seconday experiment is also underway involving Evil Spiders, Jack-in-the-Beanstalk, a couple of guys named "Grimm", a goat (there is always a goat), recombinant DNA, and cheerios. Should we wind up with as many as eleven giant evil spiders, we intend to set up the island of +++++ off the coast of ********* as a nation with a humorous 8-legged name, hire a manager, and attempt to teach them football.

Note: The Classified Mis-information Division of the Ministry of Super Secret Sleuthery has replaced the names of the island, and the nation which it is off the coast of, with "+++++" and "********", respectively.

The Red Queen, Monarch of Little Miss Muffet, Defender of That Which Needs Defending, and All Around Good Gal, would like to enter a team in this "2nd Giant Evil Spider Season". We find ourselves in possession of a dozen giant evil spiders, a rather incompetent manager, and a couple of footballs. As soon as we can get the damn spiders to stop eating the balls, we intend to have them taught the fundamentals of football - if that idiot manager even knows the fundamentals of football.

Yes, well, all that aside, just how does one enter their semi-national team of ill-trained and nearly uncontrolable large nasty arachnids into this thing, anyhow?

Yeah, well, it was either "Little Miss Muffet", or "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

Yeah, well, it was either "Little Miss Muffet", or "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

OOC: :lol:

IC: Methinks you may have missed out on the 2nd season of GESFL. Although, as we're only three matches in, perhaps Dire Arachnia could fit Little Miss Muffet in somehow. Ms. Shelob certainly supports Little Miss' late entry if possible.

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Empire of Warnocks Wizards

To: Octavius Prime, Sultan of Dire Arachnia

From: Shelob-VIII-Legs, Queen, Shelobs Enterprises, Empire of Warnocks Wizards

Dear Righteous Octavius:

We, but a humble arachnid of the Empire of Warnocks Wizards, beseech you to please consider the late application of Little Miss Muffett to the 2nd season of Giant Evil Spider Football League. Miss Muffett is a personal friend of ours and we feel her nation of giant lovely spiders will contribute greatly to our wonderful congregation. If necessary, we are willing to put forward some of our own personal wealth to fund the entry and to pay for any administrative cost that their late arrival might incur. Please also enjoy the enclosed sample of our Shelobs Obsession perfume. It works wonders on the arachnid form. May all your webs prove enduring and fruitful,

Shelob-VIII-Legs

The Red Queen, Monarch of Little Miss Muffet, Defender of That Which Needs Defending, and All Around Good Gal, doesn't want to be a pain in the...um...doesn't want to be annoying. We will not be insulted if our side (we don't even have a name for 'em yet) must wait until the 3rd Giant Evil Spider Season. The bloody bugs could use more training - and maybe we could ditch this idiot manager and get one who actually has a clue. We understand Ben Dover has...how shall we put this...parted company with his previous side (the shenanigans? the hemeroids? eh, whatever). Maybe he could get these stupid spiders to stop eating the balls. We put muzzles on 'em, but in about 30 minutes they eat through the damn muzzles, and then eat the ball. It kind of spoils the match.

(appendix, added by a small and terrified white rabbit) Eh! Oh...where does the - watch it! Er...the Giant Spider thingy - Ack! Um...thingy take place? *dodges, for no apparent reason* The Majesty...er, Her Queen...no, I mean - Ahh!! She wants to watch a - Help! watch a match. Where should - No! Not again! should she go? *gasps, and dives into his little rabbit hole*

Football for giant spiders, eh? Sounds odd...but it could be rather amusing. I see the second season has started already, but that's fine -- I don't have any players yet. Methinks I shall go and round up a couple dozen dire-FIFA spiders (which are quite plentiful in the north of Pedriana) and see what I can do with them. Perhaps our team will be ready in time for the third season.

His Omnipotence Pedrius Maximus I
Glorious Dictator of the Dominion of Pedriana