NationStates Jolt Archive

Bob stood in awe at his new television; a marvel of science with it’s large 72inch wide screen and full surround sound, hooked up to a VCR, DVD and the most important thing of all, his own custom satellite. A small tear rolled down his cheek at the sheer majesty of the machine, capable of picking up almost any channel anywhere in the world, Bob now had access to the unlimited mediums of every nation that broadcast it’s television by satellite… what’s more, Bob was sure that this thing could even pick up military communications… but that was just a fantasy.

Slowly making his way to the kitchen area (his bear belly making this a rather vigorous exercise in itself) Bob opened his large fridge and pulled out his beer hat, complete with two cans of Hank’s extra smooth. Beside the hat were many, many cans of beer keeping cool for Bob consumption later… he would have moved the fridge next to his chair, only Fiona wouldn’t let him do that, claiming he was lazy enough.

Moving back into the living room, Bob beheld it’s beauty for one last time before adventuring forth into the new world of satellite… he had taken the week off so he could install this beast and now he had another 6 ½ days to enjoy anything and everything the world had to offer before work would drag him back into reality. For this single moment, Bob was the happiest man in the world, his television fully tuned and his satellite set up to pick up the millions of channels available…

Bob sat down slowly into his chair, next to it a small table stood holding his assorted snacks, from potato chips to popcorn, with his bladder completely empty and his bear hat donned, Bob reached for the remote control and turned on his new life.


OOC: Ok, this is a simple idea I’ve come up with for anyone who is currently stuck for things to do or for those who want to have a quick newscast or whatever.

Basically the idea is that Bob, the man watching the television is going to turn it on and then flick though the channels looking for something to watch, if only briefly. All you have to do is come up with something and role-play the programme that is on. It can be anything. This includes:

News programmes
Current Affairs
Morning Television
Soap Operas
Drama
Real Life TV
Documentaries
Advertisements
Random Transmissions
Pirate Television
Comedy
Investigative Documentary
Announcements (name the nation of the channel)
New Flash (same as above)
And pretty much anything that you may find on television.

If no one posts (something which happens a fair bit with my threads) then I’ll use it for random news, opinions and general boredom relief… though I suspect that nations like Wombat News will find this useful for their reality television programs…

One thing though, the television always works and no killing off Bob or doing anything which may interrupt the flickering… if by some strange reason I feel like RPing Bob going to the loo, then he will go back to the television… this is just a silly thread idea I like.

Oh, and don’t: Flame, Rant or post excessive OOC messages on this threads, it’s meant to me IC and OOC should only be used for tags, bumps and quick comments. Anything like news can be factually incorrect because news often is so don’t rant OOC if I someone reports something wrong, if you feel the need to change it then make your own program with your own facts.

That’s that for now, if I think of more then I’ll edit this. Have Fun!

"Welcome back to 'Laughing with Mary', the show that uses subliminal messages and a deep voiced fat woman named Mary to brighten your day!" The screen switches to a view of a fat woman sitting in an easy chair laughing hysterically while eating a bag of generic brand chips. A live studio audience roars with laughter as well while screens in the background flash strange words and colors at an unbelievable rate.

As Bob flicked from channel to channel, the signal started to become erratic as the signal seemed to be overpowered by a strange sitcom about the millitary.......

"Sir!"
"This had best be important, Captin"
"It is Sir! One of our communcations satillites has collided with a commercial digital broadcast satillite, Sir!
"And this concerns ME how?!?
"You ARE the C.O. of this department,Sir...
"If that's true, then how are you talking to me now?
"Well...Er....um, Were using a backup transmitter,Yes a Backup Transmitter!
"Well then de-activate our comm's satillite and fire a new one into orbit!
"Yes, Sir! Um, How?
"Use the Supergun! Moron!!"

With that the signal began to fade, Bob was getting the distinct feeling that all was not well with his beloved TV. On the other hand calling a repair-man would mean no TV..

Oh Well..

*click*A childrens show comes on. A purple thing starts to sing. "I love you, you lo-"*CLICK*

A talking head reports on a natural disaster. "Rescue attempts of the bunkers under what was once Moria City, capital of the Crimmond Empire's Martian province." Pictures of the collapsed dome city and two huge craters are seen, people in suits moving about and buildings thrown up wherever. "The second asteroid impact killed all of the work crews that responded to the first impact, while there are survivors on the surface and they will not die from the Martian atmosphers, it is rather uncomfortable to breathe. Aid is being rendered by other Mars colonies and nations at this time.

"In sports news, Dale Earnhardt Jr oulls off his second win of th-*click*

"Good evening, and welcome to the news. I'm Spam Dentworth."

"And I'm Sara Bloomchuck."

"Well, it was bedlam today when a riot at the Summer Games caused the deaths of over 200 people. Conglomerate sponsors, seizing an opportunity, filmed it all and say the next Summer Games will feature at least 500 deaths. Let's go now to some exclusive footage!

-Images and sounds of a baseball stadium overrun with teeming rioters, knocking down the old and the weak and trampling them to death, bodies piling up at the exits.-

In other news today, it was confirmd that a number of soliders from the special guards unit have indeed gone AWOL, to join the recent cult of No Aliens. A cult that sprang up over night when the goverment released pictures of the meeting with the Blademasters Phage, No Aliens compound is located somewhere in the jungle of Nehrtis city. It's charismatic leader Banasdan *a pictures of a bearded long haird man is shown, he looks like he has'nt bathed in years*. Is said to have collected members by the droves..

And now for the weath-

"What's the Number 1 television show in the whole wide world?"
"Not this one!"cries a heckler from the crowd, who is quickly escorted into the shadows
"Well, whats the 71st most popular televsion show in the whole wide world?"
"The Running Fools!!"
-Camera cuts to people running across minefields, gauntlets of flame and getting chased down by a fat man on a moterized scooter wieldind a spork
"YES!!"
"As you know this program is for all those people who want to seek asylum in FOOLISH PESANTS, and seeing how the only true test of character is to run a dangerous gauntlet filled with traps, dangers and all other manners of fun!
But don't forget folks, there's also, The Hunters!!!
-Camera cuts to an outdoor location filled with screaming people, Fans or Contestants, who knows....

Camera cuts to a short man with strange hair and out of date glasses.

"What is the universe.
Well, the universe is the fried egg within the breakfast of life. It is all yellowy and whitey in colour and is slightly blobby."

((Rofl, this is a great idea! Too bad I have no ideas. Oh, well. Tag for later reading.))

A man holds a brain up to the screen...

"This is your brain..."

He pulls out a blow torch...

"This is your brains on cheese..."

**Click**

OOC:Man i should really find somthing better to do....Oh Well...

"I Will defeat you Corbola!"proclaims, the oddly animated character
"Not likely, You have not tasted the full extent of my true power!"
"Nothing you can do is a match for my YAME' cannon!"
"We shall see..."this seems Really badly dubbed
-with that the two characters leap into the air and start fighting, every now and then firing energy blasts at each other.
after about three minuets they land.
"Enough of this warm up!"
"Agreed, now you will face the true power of my YAME' Cannon!!"
-with that both characters begin glowing until they both fire really big blasts of energy at each other. The one in, what seems to be a millitary uniform of the Foolish Pesansts Nation seems to be struggling...
"I have you now, Kelsor!"
"Not likely, Corbola with the power of my allies behind me there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
-with that, Kelsor's energy blast overwhelms Corbola

-The program cuts to commercial
"There will be more from axiom Z, after the break"

(( :idea: !))

A lady wearing a wet torn dress runs across a field.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Goes the lady.

She stumbles and falls. Colorful shapes surround her, their faces masked by the shadows.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Goes the lady as she attempts to crawl away.

"They're coming..." Says an announcer with a deep voice.

The shapes step out of the shadows. It can be seen they are Teletubbies with blood all over them, glowing eyes, and fangs. They pounce on the lady. A very fake-looking arm is tossed out.

"They're coming..." Goes the announcer. "Teletubby Revenge, coming out on the eleventeenth of Thermador. Rated "R" for Retarded. What!? They're here! Ahhhh! They're here, they're here!"

Sounds of a man being torn apart. A very fake-looking arm is tossed onscreen.

"They're coming..."

(it starts picking up a milatry signal)

sir nukes4u has sent a nuke this is a destarter
we must stop it

we must keep this to the milatary no way the media

(signal breaking up)

ok they must be joking with me said bob

so he started flicking throw the channels again
when he heard........

sir we must act now before its to late

we need to desabled it but how

(starting to break up)

OOC:I just can't help myself...
WINSTONS WISDOMS

"A baby's brain is a lot like this tray of cress."

*click*

teletubbey SAY GOODBYE
boring said bob

you would think having millons of channels to wach would be goodsaid bob

finaly something good SAS HUNTED

a team of 5 soilders have to hunt down a pro SAS soilder in the jungle can they do it said a voice in the background

this is BORING why cant they be a good tv programe

wait a second this is good.....................................

teletubbey SAY GOODBYE
boring said bob

you would think having millons of channels to wach would be goodsaid bob

finaly something good SAS HUNTED

a team of 5 soilders have to hunt down a pro SAS soilder in the jungle can they do it said a voice in the background

this is BORING why cant they be a good tv programe

wait a second this is good.....................................

teletubbey SAY GOODBYE
boring said bob

you would think having millons of channels to wach would be goodsaid bob

finaly something good SAS HUNTED

a team of 5 soilders have to hunt down a pro SAS soilder in the jungle can they do it said a voice in the background

this is BORING why cant they be a good tv programe

wait a second this is good.....................................

A special FBC report.

Death could be good for your health. The release of the worries and stresses lowers blood pressure to a extreme low resulting in death.

*An ----> ad (http://mfile.akamai.com/5020/asf/rushlimb.download.akamai.com/5020/shanklin_archives/Spatula%20City.asx) <---- starts playing*

http://www.virtualspatula.com/images/spatbanner2.jpg

http://tulsatvmemories.com/uhf/spatula2.jpg

:::Click:::
Welcome to Betting Line! And here is your host Sai "Sai the Dai" Laeng!
*Here are my favorites for the day:
In the national lottery, birthdays feel good this week.
For todays races at Daistallia Downs Racetrack: Running Stick in the first, Silly Paetou in the second, Daistallian Baby in the third, Tough Jello in the fourth, Salvador Clock in the fifth, Banana Peel in the sixth, Internet Lover in the seventh, and Revolving fan in the eighth.
:::Click:::
The theme music for Daistallia*s version of *Bigtopians Say the Darndest Things* blairs out. Welcome to this week*s episode *Meet the Ni... :::Click:::

A soap opera comes on.

*man walks into the room*

Man 1: I know what you and Janet did last night.

Man 2: We all know she prefers me over you.

*momentary silence and music*

And now the FBC world brodcast premire of

"The Man, The Woman, and Chester."

Donn Donn Donn Daaaa!

A man and woman are in a restarant.
"This is good." the man says.
"I concur." the woman replies.
A band plays in the background.
"Is that our song honey?"
"Yes. I think it is."
They stand up and walk to the dance floor. They hold each other tight and begin a slow dance. Then one of the band members pulls out an uzi and blows their heads off.

A stunt show is on.

"We're here. I'm going to ride this sports car off of a two story building."

The man gets into the car and drives off the building, the vehicle goes up into flames.

And now the FBC 2 presents:

"The Book Report That Totally Sucked Balls."

A teacher is infront of a class.
"Now that we finished the book we will write a report on it."
"Awww."
"No 'awww'-ing in my class, you will have to write a 15 page report on the book."
"Come on!"
"No 'Come on'-ing in my class now-"
"Die teacher!"
Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a
Thud!
"Oh my God!"
"He's insane!"
Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a. Click-Click. Kurk-Kig. Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a
"What's going in he- Oh no!"
Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a.
"Why! Gulp. What did I do wrong! Ahhh. I'm dieing."
Click-Click. Kirk-Kig.
Helecopter Noise!
"Come out with your hands up!"
Whosh. Bang Wirre! Explosion!
"Ahhhh! We're falling from the sky into the buildings!"
Explosion!
Russel Russel Russel.
"Look at all the fire."
Werr-oup Werr-oup Werr-oup.
Whoosh!
"No! They're putting the fire out!"
Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a Clack-a
"Aahhh!" "Aahhh!"
Thud. Thud.

"BORED WITH LIFE? WHY NOT TRY SUICIDE?"

I mean how long do you have anyway to live? Wondering how to end it all? A gun? A knife? Hanging? Don't all these thigs seem so ORDINARY? There is an answer my depressed freind! The answer is....

THE SUICIDE BOOTH! Armed with a mulitude of ways to die, for robots and meat bags! It has (voice becomes really fast)knifes,bats,guns,spears,acid,water,stones,flames,freezing,explosions,implosions,liquidification ,eaten and irradiated!

IT HAS IT ALL! FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF YOUR FINAL PURCHASE OF $299.99! THATS RIGHT! YOU CAN LEAVE IN WHATEVER WAY YOU CHOOSE IN STYLE! FOR $299.99!

(OOC No body commit suicide you silly silly people)

:::Breaking News Report:::

Just a few seconds ago, a man walked into a shopping mall in Langham City, Langham and took hostages with a roll of toilet paper. Currently...we're getting an update...members of the Langham Elite Guard just shot the man and is taking the roll of toilet paper as evidence. We have a tape, let's watch it.

"I HAVE TOILET PAPER AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!!!"

"GO GO GO!!!

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!"

*criminal throws the roll at Elite Guardsmen*

"He's a threat. Open fire."

*criminal is shot full of holes with the Guardsmens' Uzi 9mm.'s*

"And now, Live Court TV!" Says an announcer. "Today's case is the producers of the popular TV show Futurama against the vampire Kain Ir...Ire...how do you pronounce this? Oh, who cares. Let's get started!"

Courtroom is shown. Kain and the producers walk in.

"We hate you Kain." Say the producers angrily.

The courtroom awaits Kain's response eagerly. Tension hangs over everyone. A person breaks down under the pressure and wets their pants.

And now, here's "Sewing With Sandra"

"Hello, everyone and welcome to the show. Today, I'm going to show you the secret of detailing cothing with string. First you out the string throught the eye of the pin like...grrr!"

*has trouble*

"Who made me do this!? You stupid director!"

*Sandra walks off camera and attacks the direct, camera falls and shows Sandra ripping the director to bits and pieces*

BREAKING NEWS from the Skye News Network:

Kobe did it.

*click*

A scifi show comes on. "Captain... could you stop calling me Number One?" "Why is that?" "I overheard an ensign heading towards the bathroom say he was going to do a Riker."

*click*

"Hi! I'm Hans."

"I'm Franz."

(both)"And we're here to pump"*clap* "You up!"

*click*

Sean Connery: "I'll take take 'Trebeck Sucks' fo 3 billion, you damn Canadian."

Trebeck: "Why do you keep coming on this show?"

Connery: "Because I can't verbally abuse you on national TV any other way you little baby girl."

*click*

The television flickers slightly, signals jamming across the screen. The audio comes in first, screams and gunfire. Then visual, a carnage strewn city, as a battle rages. A young officer is directly addressing the camera, "We're under fire! We need backup! Send backup imme- wait! We're not getting any- Shit! We got the wrong band!" The screen winks black, then returns to a commercial.

"Howdy, there kiddies!"
*click*

A commercial comes on for cannibles.

"Tired of being excluded for being a cannible? Tired of not being able to eat you favorite human delicasy in public? Have no fear! Come on down to Cannible Palace! We also have games! Human skull shuffle board, human femur pool, and much, much more.

*screen goes black and a message goes onto the screen*

This restaurant has been shut down for reasons of health. You'll now be returned to your regular programming. Thank you.

Bob quickly changs the channel and sees a soccer match in a crowded, but small stadium. A green and a white-red team play and all players are apparently not older than 17. A speaker tells, what is happening: 'Seda, Hana, Junis *quick passes between two white-red players* Seda again, outsmarts Sinkil... shoots, *the ball is flying in direction of the goal* Xa grabs the ball, *the goalie did not hold the ball, it bounces back into the field* No, no, and that's Majere. Goal! That's the 7-2 for Kin-gi Kimi'Redy! If nothing totally strange happens, they are the new youth soccer chamion in 2003!' Youth soccer, Bob does not want to waste his time by this and switchs to another channel.

Next up on the Travel Channel: "Botica: Resort Paradise"
<Commercial break, fast forward 3 minutes...>
"Welcome back to the Travel Channel's tour of Botica. First, a bit of history. Botica was founded 5 years ago by a megalomaniacal mad scientist who wanted to create a nation of entirely robots. It worked quite well, but it was... boring. Soon, the scientst decided maybe having people around would be a good idea after all, and allowed people to start moving in. However, there were still plenty of robots, and they were relegated to the menial tasks - dangerous jobs such as police and military, and jobs most people wouldn't want to do such as janitors."
"Now, Botica has been converted from a desolate robotic industrial wasteland to pure paradise, all by the hard work of Botica's millions of mechanized minions. Now, whether you would like to ski down the gorgeous Mount Linux, visit the Roboland themepark and its tall, fast roller coasters, or just bask in the sun at beatuiful Ampere Beach, Botica is for you!"
<Commercial Break, end of segment>

OOC: I wouldn't write something like this just for this thread, but I already had it written last night as part of a regional debate I was having, and since it was already written I couldn't resist reposting it :)

OOC: No worries, this thread is made for that kind of thing, like I said Bob is flicking through channels and you can post about anything with any amount of length providing you can make it into something on television.

I had ideas for what I wanted to do for this thread yesterday but I’ve kinda forgot with all the work I’ve been doing today… but either way this is proving to be a rather entertaining thread…

*click*

"Oh no! N00bzilla is destroying the world with 8585896895 n00ks! Will no one save us?! AAAAAA-"

*click*

"Welcome back to the Jerry Springer show. Today we're haveing a debate between the Klu Klux Klan represenitive and this man, a gay jewish black dude."

*click*

An infomercial comes on. "Hey, aren't you gonna putt some butter in that pan to fry an egg?"
"Nope."
"Wait a minute... are you trying o tell me that you're gonna fry an egg with no butter?!"
"Yep... and the pan has a strong handle. I could smack you upside the head and it wouldn't break."
"Wait a minute... are you trying to tell me th-"*thwunk*
"Idiot."

*click*

"Hi I'm Richard Simmons-"

*click*

"Welcome back to the History Channel's never ending WWII history programs that you've seen dozens of times... Wanna see Hitler in short shorts again?"

*click*

"And today, Flagstaff officials announced that funding and workforce had been secured for the Serik-Amaranth maglev line. The completed system will have lines running north through Coriolanus and into the Vastitas, south into Sunset via Hebes, and southwest into Chryse via Kajal and Ares Vallis. There is no word on whether or not the project will be extended into the Menelmacari Expanse. In other news..."

*Channel surfing quickly*

HI KIDS! :click:

Welcome down to greasy Joe's:click:

Where tires are :click:

Oooh dreamy and :click:

Lets meet mr :click:

4 ton anvil :click:

Damn it Nickey you did'nt have to kill :click:

The President :click:

:click:, :click:, :click:

"And now, Live Court TV!" Says an announcer. "Today's case is the producers of the popular TV show Futurama against the vampire Kain Ir...Ire...how do you pronounce this? Oh, who cares. Let's get started!"

Courtroom is shown. Kain and the producers walk in.

"We hate you Kain." Say the producers angrily.

The courtroom awaits Kain's response eagerly. Tension hangs over everyone. A person breaks down under the pressure and wets their pants.

"My name is from the Psi langauge! It is pronounced, Eye-Ren-A-Cus. There, Irenicus. Anyway, you can go to hell. They stole MY idea. Look this idea was made before they made it! In my head! HA! Disprove that you hippies!" Kain smiled smugly and the tnrie courtroom comes up with curses and boos.

"Is it because I am a vampire? IS THAT IT HUH?"

The judge shakes his head and looks at the camera. "This is not for the courtroom, there is only one person who can tackle this! JJJJEEEERRRRYYYY SPPPRIINNNNGGGEEER!"

*cuts to Jerry Springer, with the title, "Is it because I suck blood? in Jerry Springer place.*

"Hello, and welcome ot Jerry Springer. Todays topic is, vampire prejudice. Kain asks, "Is it because I suck blood?"

Kain's voice in the background, "HEY I NEVER SAID THAT!"

*sounds of an explosion of the script writer combusting.*

:::click:::
Welcome to Master Sgt. Bleck*s world of firearms. Tonight we*ll be comparison shopping for AK-47 clones. First up, Haeks retail.
:::cuts to a retail shop:::
So Herr Haek, what*s on sale today...
:::click:::
:::scene - on stage at an awrds show. A banner reads *2003 recreational awards*
...and this years winner for the best home grown marajuana is Mr. Shing Chae!
:::click:::

Hello. Welcome to Martha's Cell. I'll be showing you how to make your's the envy of the cell block.

*click*

A wrestler shouts at the camera. "I'm coming for you Mr. Pansy Man! I'm gonna rip you in two!"

In another area. "I knew Mr. Pansy Man was a bad name to choose..."

*click*

A scifi show comes on. "Spork... the.............. ship is................... in danger! We............... have................ to go............... to.....................

*click*

Hello and welcome to the Iraq War coverage, I'm Geraldo-*loud bang**Geraldo collapses**cheers go up around the world*

*click*

"Do you know what time it is?"

(crowd)"Tool Time!"

*click*

:::click:::
A large rocket and gantry are sitting on a massive launch pad, surrounded by tropical jungle. A timer counts down the second to launch. A voice announces "This is Da-jrae 1 mission control. We are at t-minus 4 minutes and counting."
:::click:::