Wombat News
27-10-2003, 12:57
Zero-One, Wombat News
"Before, I wasn't really sure that a supreme being actually existed," Lars-82A2DF of Zero-One told Wombat News with an embarrassed smile. "I mean, I went to the oil-n-grease bay every Sunday and everything, but it was mostly because my parents made me when I was a little droid.”
"But now," Lars-82A2DF quickly added, "I am quite sure of a supreme being’s existence, and it feels great to know that somebody is actually up there, keeping me under surveillance."
Lars-82A2DF 's extraordinary religious experience occurred last Sunday, when it "had an idea" (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=85837).
"For whatever reason - probably because I was bored - I got to thinking about the existence of a supreme being," Lars-82A2DF said. "To be specific, I was trying to think of ways to get Shoddy to show me Its reality. Then it hit me: praying."
Praying has long been recognised as a method for communicating with Shoddy, and for Lars-82A2DF, it was a perfect to test its beliefs.
"So, I got down on the articulated joints of my lower appendages and clasped my manipulators together - the whole bit," said Lars-82A2DF, as a fresh flush of grease spread across its upper external sensorium. "Hey, I had to - I had to make sure I was being scientific about the whole thing, and that means making sure all your bases are covered. I wasn't about to say that Shoddy didn't exist just because I didn't assume the correct physical prayer attitude."
With the appropriate prayer position assumed, Lars-82A2DF had to decide what to pray for. The decision "wasn't easy".
"I kept thinking of all of the people I know whose prayers haven't been answered," Lars-82A2DF said, "but I think I know why they weren't: those mechs were greedy. They prayed for things like new caterpillar tracks for their loved ones or additional processing units for themselves, or for a new job to support their little droids, or for a reason to get up in the morning. But Shoddy doesn't like that stuff."
Lars-82A2DF chuckled and added "It can't do everything for you!"
In light of these thoughts, Lars-82A2DF decided to play it safe with a prayer for "absolutely nothing at all".
"I figured, hey, ask for as little as you can. Don't make Shoddy do you any huge favours. And you know what? It worked."
Though some find it hard to believe, Lars-82A2DF maintains that for a full four minutes and twenty seconds after his prayer, absolutely nothing happened.
"I remained unmoving, still in the correct physical prayer attitude, and nothing at all happened," Lars-82A2DF told us, visual sensors blurred with emotion as it recalled the event. "It was like something out of the Instruction Manual."
Finally, Lars-82A2DF 's communications port received incoming data, which it decided counted as "something happening". But the period before the interruption, it claims, was "all Shoddy".
"That did it," it said. "That convinced me. Shoddy is up there, and sometimes, if you're not a greedy old scrooge, It answers prayers."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – A SHINING BEACON TO LIGHT THE WAY TO THE TRUTH
"Before, I wasn't really sure that a supreme being actually existed," Lars-82A2DF of Zero-One told Wombat News with an embarrassed smile. "I mean, I went to the oil-n-grease bay every Sunday and everything, but it was mostly because my parents made me when I was a little droid.”
"But now," Lars-82A2DF quickly added, "I am quite sure of a supreme being’s existence, and it feels great to know that somebody is actually up there, keeping me under surveillance."
Lars-82A2DF 's extraordinary religious experience occurred last Sunday, when it "had an idea" (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=85837).
"For whatever reason - probably because I was bored - I got to thinking about the existence of a supreme being," Lars-82A2DF said. "To be specific, I was trying to think of ways to get Shoddy to show me Its reality. Then it hit me: praying."
Praying has long been recognised as a method for communicating with Shoddy, and for Lars-82A2DF, it was a perfect to test its beliefs.
"So, I got down on the articulated joints of my lower appendages and clasped my manipulators together - the whole bit," said Lars-82A2DF, as a fresh flush of grease spread across its upper external sensorium. "Hey, I had to - I had to make sure I was being scientific about the whole thing, and that means making sure all your bases are covered. I wasn't about to say that Shoddy didn't exist just because I didn't assume the correct physical prayer attitude."
With the appropriate prayer position assumed, Lars-82A2DF had to decide what to pray for. The decision "wasn't easy".
"I kept thinking of all of the people I know whose prayers haven't been answered," Lars-82A2DF said, "but I think I know why they weren't: those mechs were greedy. They prayed for things like new caterpillar tracks for their loved ones or additional processing units for themselves, or for a new job to support their little droids, or for a reason to get up in the morning. But Shoddy doesn't like that stuff."
Lars-82A2DF chuckled and added "It can't do everything for you!"
In light of these thoughts, Lars-82A2DF decided to play it safe with a prayer for "absolutely nothing at all".
"I figured, hey, ask for as little as you can. Don't make Shoddy do you any huge favours. And you know what? It worked."
Though some find it hard to believe, Lars-82A2DF maintains that for a full four minutes and twenty seconds after his prayer, absolutely nothing happened.
"I remained unmoving, still in the correct physical prayer attitude, and nothing at all happened," Lars-82A2DF told us, visual sensors blurred with emotion as it recalled the event. "It was like something out of the Instruction Manual."
Finally, Lars-82A2DF 's communications port received incoming data, which it decided counted as "something happening". But the period before the interruption, it claims, was "all Shoddy".
"That did it," it said. "That convinced me. Shoddy is up there, and sometimes, if you're not a greedy old scrooge, It answers prayers."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – A SHINING BEACON TO LIGHT THE WAY TO THE TRUTH