My First RP (please Critique)
As Martin stepped into the room he could sense that something wasn't right. "Ah, Martin, Glad you could make it." The JOY president, Maria. JOY, or Joining and Organizing our Youth, was a program to help our youth ages 13-17 become more politically involved so the United States could get back on its feet after the 2005 presidential recall where voters voted in John Blacksmi but I won't go into that conspiracy instead this is about a group of children that were a part of JOY that abused JOY and ized the world. "I'm glad to be here Ms. Montana." Martin said hiding his nervousness. "Now my files show you work in a low level job with JOY is that correct?". She looked down at her desk and began looking through various files which Martin guessed were about him. Martin glanced down not sure how to answer the question then answered. "If you call training our youth to better The 'United' States of America low level then yes, I do have a low level job." Maria suddenly looked back at him shocked that he would answer like that. "Well, we have an opening here in Intelligence, the old recruit failed and now we need a new one." She looked back at him waiting for a response, her black hair shimmered and her brown eyes shimmered for a brief second with hope then she looked away. "So you want me to be a spy? Is that legal?" Martin looked at her expecting her to say 'oh it’s all very legal' but that didn’t happen. Maria looked up at him and opened her mouth about to say something but then decided against it and looked at Martin for a second. His green eyes were full of confusion; he obviously did not know what was going on, good. His shirt had one button left open his nametag was askew and his dirty-blonde hair a mess. "Well it's not, exactly, legal but no one will know besides us, correct? She more told Martin then asked him so he decided to take advantage of it. "Well that all depends, what's in it for me?" Martin could immediately tell that she was expecting that and was surprised at her reply of "Three-Million Credits" The currency had changed since 2005 when John Blacksmi became president 1 US dollar would equal 2 Credits. Martin’s eyes bulged and he quickly closed his eyes to hide his surprise. "Three-Million Credits?!! What do I have to do?" Maria replied with something that was easier said than done "All you have to do is get into the RIOT group in case you don't know that stands for Rebellion of the Imperialists and Other Tyrannies." RIOT was formed by the Mexicans after the Imperialists; a guerrilla army formed in Africa, invaded Brazil and has been recruiting JOY's youth for their cause which has worsened America. "Once you’re in find out their next attack on the Imperialist and warn them, then go out into the streets and 'prophesize' that RIOT will lose their next attack on the Imperialists." To Martin this sounded quite easy so he quickly agreed. "Ok when do I start?" "Now"
To Be Continued.....Hopefully.......
remember this is my first so please help me out thanks!
Tarasovka
16-10-2003, 03:32
Looks nice, just remember - a massive text is a bad thing.
Break it into paragraphs :)
It'll be easier for others to read that way.
Otherwise, looks nice, hope there will be suite :D
Independant Pluto
16-10-2003, 03:33
good, but make line breaks, not one block of text. a new paragraph whenever a new person talks id also a good thing.
will do i just typed this up and copied it on here
First off, I would strongly urge the use of paragraph breaks. A continuous stream like that is hard on the eyes.
Independant Pluto
16-10-2003, 03:34
First off, I would strongly urge the use of paragraph breaks. A continuous stream like that is hard on the eyes.
Beat ya!
Curse these boggy forums!
Tarasovka
16-10-2003, 03:38
First off, I would strongly urge the use of paragraph breaks. A continuous stream like that is hard on the eyes.
Beat ya!
Bah! I beat all of ya! :D
thanks everyone i went to the RP university and just briefly read over the lessons after signing up and it really helped so i decided to try and write something but i couldnt really think about what to write about so is there anything story wise i could improve besides line breaks?
Steel Butterfly
16-10-2003, 03:40
Now that's what I like to see...this much energy being put into helping n00bs. Why, you're fighting about who gave the help first! :lol:
Independant Pluto
16-10-2003, 03:41
First off, I would strongly urge the use of paragraph breaks. A continuous stream like that is hard on the eyes.
Beat ya!
Bah! I beat all of ya! :D
CHEATER!
Tarasovka
16-10-2003, 03:41
Now that's what I like to see...this much energy being put into helping n00bs. Why, you're fighting about who gave the help first! :lol:
Yeah!
Gang up on Steel!
Nu vsio, vlip ochkarik! :twisted:
Tarasovka
16-10-2003, 03:41
First off, I would strongly urge the use of paragraph breaks. A continuous stream like that is hard on the eyes.
Beat ya!
Bah! I beat all of ya! :D
CHEATER!
Nope, fixed a minor grammatical issue...
Not good giving grammatical advice and having spelling mistakes :shock:
well im not a nOOb just to RPing ive been in the forum a lot (points to post count) and my oldest nation is at 1.134 billion i just never got into RPing until now :oops: thanks again for helping
Steel Butterfly
16-10-2003, 03:43
Now that's what I like to see...this much energy being put into helping n00bs. Why, you're fighting about who gave the help first! :lol:
Yeah!
Gang up on Steel!
Nu vsio, vlip ochkarik! :twisted:
Well...no one else knows what that means...
...and I'm kinda shaky on the meaning as well...
My russian in arabic script is a little shaky...I'm good with cyrillic...but not as good at arabic script. *still looking for online translater which does russian in arabic script*
Tarasovka
16-10-2003, 03:44
Now that's what I like to see...this much energy being put into helping n00bs. Why, you're fighting about who gave the help first! :lol:
Yeah!
Gang up on Steel!
Nu vsio, vlip ochkarik! :twisted:
Well...no one else knows what that means...
...and I'm kinda shaky on the meaning as well...
My russian in arabic script is a little shaky...I'm good with cyrillic...but not as good at arabic script. *still looking for online translater which does russian in arabic script*
Steel, this script is latinic, not arabic.
Ну и...
Вот текст: Ну все, влип очкарик! :twisted:
But lets not hijack threads :P
Steel Butterfly
16-10-2003, 03:51
Now that's what I like to see...this much energy being put into helping n00bs. Why, you're fighting about who gave the help first! :lol:
Yeah!
Gang up on Steel!
Nu vsio, vlip ochkarik! :twisted:
Well...no one else knows what that means...
...and I'm kinda shaky on the meaning as well...
My russian in arabic script is a little shaky...I'm good with cyrillic...but not as good at arabic script. *still looking for online translater which does russian in arabic script*
Steel, this script is latinic, not arabic.
:twisted:
But lets not hijack threads :P
but...oh never mind...I didn't mean current day arabic...I meant...ah...forget it
anyhow...
Скажите мне - Вы в S.A.V.I.O.R.?