Wombat News
10-10-2003, 17:35
Roll Urown; Wombat News
It has long been the misconception that cigarettes are the products of dried tobacco leaves, harvested from vast tobacco fields by giant robots under the control of some sort of all-knowing brain creature named Emily. The truth though, is that cigarettes are formed deep inside the Earth's core, created by the intense heat reacting with minerals in the ground and guarded by a race of quokkamen intent on the annihilation of all mankind.
"We don't know where this whole tobacco field thing came from," a spokesman for the quokkamen told Wombat News. "We suspect it is yet another ploy of the government to deny the existence of an underground race of quokkamen who spend day and night plotting unspeakable terrors to enact on the cruel Over-Grounders."
Whatever the reason for the cover-up, humankind has been harvesting cigarettes from deep underground for years. The exact origins of this practice isn't fully known, but it is suspected that it began with the cavemen. As a safety measure to stay protected from dinosaurs, telemarketers, and Melkor, cavemen would often hide in caves. Occasionally they would wander deep into the caves and run across a cigarette supply left by the quokkamen. In attempting to use these small white sticks, they found that adding them to their fires, and then placing them in their mouths seemed to do the trick. Soon the addictive nature of cigarettes kicked in and the cavemen started to make return trips deep into the caves to find more. The quokkamen lay in wait and brutally massacred all who returned.
"The nicotine gets them addicted," commented quokkaman Morris, who is among the most bloodthirsty and disease-ridden of all the quokkamen. "Then when theys return, our pointy sticks gets them dead."
This grand tradition of cigarette mining, and consequently being killed by quokkamen, has been passed on over the years all the way to our current generation of cigarette miners who are just as eager to die as those who died before them. Today cigarette mining is one of the most dangerous professions known to man, lagging only behind postal worker and crash test dummy. Cigarette miners routinely face dangers such as perilous mine shafts, subterranean death dragons, and the ever present quokkamen. The career path of cigarette miner is often lovingly referred to as the "Road to Hell".
"I remember once my team of miners were jumped by a group of quokkamen riding death dragons," said miner Galah Bundy. "We thought we were all dead ... but then the dragons realized they were the natural enemies of the quokkamen and turned on them. They ate every single one of those quokkamen ... it was quite a sight, I can tell you. I haven't seen a feast like that since the Tasman tigers got into the koala house at the local zoo last week."
Each year, nearly seven million cigarette miners lose their lives to the quokkamen, dragons, and general cave-related dangers such as quokkamen, dragons or Melkor (who is now suspected to have chased Feanor into the cigarette mines and is now lost himself). This is almost four million times the number of people killed by vending machines each year! No other job has this high death rates, not even human landmine detectors. It is also estimated that another eleven million miners are lost in the mines, never to be seen again. What becomes of them is unknown, but if they do happen to survive the quokkamen and dragons, it is suspect that they are hired by underground Nikey sweatshops, making five cents an hour.
"We can pay them five cents an hour quite legally," said Nikey president and Chairman Duny. H. Alitosys. "There may be dragons and quokkamen down there, but there are no labour laws underground. They're lucky we even give them five cents, we could easily hire the quokkamen who will do the same work for a red cent."
Despite the ever present dangers and a pay rate that is only slightly more than volunteer work, most cigarette miners say they are very happy with their current job situation.
"What other job can you do where you routinely fight off dragons and pillage quokkamen villages?" says miner Chuck Yegg. "Each day I go to work, it's like Christmas all over again. I wouldn't trade this job for the world."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE UNDERGROUND
OOC: Also celebrating our one hundredth broadcast!!
It has long been the misconception that cigarettes are the products of dried tobacco leaves, harvested from vast tobacco fields by giant robots under the control of some sort of all-knowing brain creature named Emily. The truth though, is that cigarettes are formed deep inside the Earth's core, created by the intense heat reacting with minerals in the ground and guarded by a race of quokkamen intent on the annihilation of all mankind.
"We don't know where this whole tobacco field thing came from," a spokesman for the quokkamen told Wombat News. "We suspect it is yet another ploy of the government to deny the existence of an underground race of quokkamen who spend day and night plotting unspeakable terrors to enact on the cruel Over-Grounders."
Whatever the reason for the cover-up, humankind has been harvesting cigarettes from deep underground for years. The exact origins of this practice isn't fully known, but it is suspected that it began with the cavemen. As a safety measure to stay protected from dinosaurs, telemarketers, and Melkor, cavemen would often hide in caves. Occasionally they would wander deep into the caves and run across a cigarette supply left by the quokkamen. In attempting to use these small white sticks, they found that adding them to their fires, and then placing them in their mouths seemed to do the trick. Soon the addictive nature of cigarettes kicked in and the cavemen started to make return trips deep into the caves to find more. The quokkamen lay in wait and brutally massacred all who returned.
"The nicotine gets them addicted," commented quokkaman Morris, who is among the most bloodthirsty and disease-ridden of all the quokkamen. "Then when theys return, our pointy sticks gets them dead."
This grand tradition of cigarette mining, and consequently being killed by quokkamen, has been passed on over the years all the way to our current generation of cigarette miners who are just as eager to die as those who died before them. Today cigarette mining is one of the most dangerous professions known to man, lagging only behind postal worker and crash test dummy. Cigarette miners routinely face dangers such as perilous mine shafts, subterranean death dragons, and the ever present quokkamen. The career path of cigarette miner is often lovingly referred to as the "Road to Hell".
"I remember once my team of miners were jumped by a group of quokkamen riding death dragons," said miner Galah Bundy. "We thought we were all dead ... but then the dragons realized they were the natural enemies of the quokkamen and turned on them. They ate every single one of those quokkamen ... it was quite a sight, I can tell you. I haven't seen a feast like that since the Tasman tigers got into the koala house at the local zoo last week."
Each year, nearly seven million cigarette miners lose their lives to the quokkamen, dragons, and general cave-related dangers such as quokkamen, dragons or Melkor (who is now suspected to have chased Feanor into the cigarette mines and is now lost himself). This is almost four million times the number of people killed by vending machines each year! No other job has this high death rates, not even human landmine detectors. It is also estimated that another eleven million miners are lost in the mines, never to be seen again. What becomes of them is unknown, but if they do happen to survive the quokkamen and dragons, it is suspect that they are hired by underground Nikey sweatshops, making five cents an hour.
"We can pay them five cents an hour quite legally," said Nikey president and Chairman Duny. H. Alitosys. "There may be dragons and quokkamen down there, but there are no labour laws underground. They're lucky we even give them five cents, we could easily hire the quokkamen who will do the same work for a red cent."
Despite the ever present dangers and a pay rate that is only slightly more than volunteer work, most cigarette miners say they are very happy with their current job situation.
"What other job can you do where you routinely fight off dragons and pillage quokkamen villages?" says miner Chuck Yegg. "Each day I go to work, it's like Christmas all over again. I wouldn't trade this job for the world."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE UNDERGROUND
OOC: Also celebrating our one hundredth broadcast!!