NationStates Jolt Archive

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Team P W D L GF GA GD PTS
Oglethorpia 12 5 4 3 10 11 -1 19
Edenstein 12 4 4 4 10 10 0 16
Dire Arachnia 12 4 4 4 9 11 -2 16
Tanah Tarantula 12 3 4 5 9 9 0 13
[/code:1:237157d3d2]

<OOC>Hmm... those GDs can't be right. Oh well, who cares? Ogle wins it.</OOC>

Week one results:
Dire Arachnia 2 Edenstein 1
Tanah Tarantula 2 Oglethorpia 2

Week two results:
Oglethorpia 2 Dire Arachnia 1
Edenstein 0 Tanah Tarantula 2

Week three results:
Tanah Tarantula 2 Dire Arachnia 0
Oglethorpia 2 Edenstein 0

Week four results:
Dire Arachnia 2 Oglethorpia 0
Tanah Tarantula 1 Edenstein 2

Week five results:
Edenstein 0 Oglethorpia 2
Dire Arachnia 1 Tanah Tarantula 0

Week six results:
Edenstein 4 Dire Arachnia 0
Oglethorpia 1 Tanah Tarantula 1

Week seven results:
Dire Arachnia 0 Edenstein 0
Tanah Tarantula 1 Oglethorpia 0

Giant Evil Spider Football League
Season one

It gives me great pleasure to announce the inaugural season of GESFL play. This season will feature four fine octopodal teams squaring off for the Arachne Cup, the highest award in giant Evil Spider Football. Opposing the Dire Arachnia national team this season will be: a squad of genetically-altered spiders from Edenstein; a troupe of dire-FIFA spiders captured in the southern forests of Oglethorpia; and the national team of the recently-founded independent nation of Tanah Tarantula, which aside from Dire Arachnia is the only known nation of Giant Evil Spiders in the world.

Fixtures will be as follows:
(home team listed first)

Week one:
Dire Arachnia-Edenstein
Tanah Tarantula-Oglethorpia

Week two:
Oglethorpia-Dire Arachnia
Edenstein-Tanah Tarantula

Week three:
Tanah Tarantula-Dire Arachnia
Oglethorpia-Edenstein

Week four:
Dire Arachnia-Oglethorpia
Tanah Tarantula-Edenstein

Week five:
Edenstein-Oglethorpia
Dire Arachnia-Tanah Tarantula

Week six:
Edenstein-Dire Arachnia
Oglethorpia-Tanah Tarantula

Fixtures will then be repeated so that each squad will play twelve matches. The team in first place at the end of twelve matches will be crowned Rulers of the Pitch and awarded the Arachne Cup.

All matches to be broadcast on mars by Tor-Yvresse (Mars).

<OOC>I'll run matches once a day and post results and standings at the top of the thread. I'll try to TG results as well, for convenience, since there are only 4 nations participating. The formula to determine winner of each match is the formula used in World Cup 7, but with a slight modification to the defense algorithm, to allow fewer goals (probably will be more 0-0 and 1-1 results). I'll update team stats in the score generator at the midpoint to give some advantage to team(s) that have been doing well.

Feel free to RP matches or not. I'll be doing some of mine, anyway.</OOC>

The Seabrough Post

GESFL season begins, Oglethorpia draws with Tanah Tarantula
Oglethorpia's all Dire-FIFA Spider football club faces off with Tanah Tarantula, drawing 2-2

Oglethorpia's team of 8 ft tall Dire-FIFA Spiders took to the pitch today against the team of Tanah Tarantula in one of the Giant Evil Spider Football League's first games. Oglethorpia would go down 1-nil to the Tarantulas as Tarantula put one in in the 12. Oglethorpia would strike back as team captain and striker Jimbo would score a goal in the 32nd, midfielder Guy slipping one past Tarantula 11 minutes into the Second Half.

Soon midfielder Guy would be yellow carded for trapping the ball between his legs, the spider (presumably) putting up a fight with the human official when he rose up the massive yellow card (3 ft by 4 ft). Soon after, goalie Numan would let Tarantula knock one in from 10 yards out in the 80th minute, the game ending with a draw between Oglethorpia and Tanah Tarantula.

OOC: Which team is home, the first or last? (Ex. Tanah Tarantula - Oglethorpia)

(ooc: i think the home team comes first. Hope so, or this will make no sense)

BSN broadcast:

Jack McMurdo: Welcome to Babble Sportsnet, home of the extremest sports! Today we bring you the newest additon to the sporting line-up, Giant Evil Spider Footbaaaaall! And the match today comes from the dank swamps of Tanah Tarantula, the newest addition to our continent's fair shores. Those tarantulas don't look too happy to find out their newly independent country is a swamp previously used to dump toxic waste. But they've been training hard under the coaching of Guntur Ruak, who coached the Tanah Burung team to its worst-ever finish at World Cup Seven.

From offstage: It was the curse!

Jack: Yes, the famous curse of Lemmington, a handy excuse for the failures of a once-proud team. But enough of that: these giant evil spiders, fresh from rampaging out of the genetic engineering lab at Grouphug Agricultural College and devouring the school's football team, are playing for the pride of their new nation. We take you live now to Tanah Tarantula with BSN correspondent David Bellamy.

(we see footage of twisted trees, weighted down with enormous tentacles of Spanish moss, in a drowned land of greyish water, with bubbles rising occasionally like a witch's cauldron. A scream, and the camera focusses in on a gang of seven-foot tall tarantulas.)

David Bellamy (hushed tone): Welcome to the land of the tawantulas. These magnificent cweatures are the pwoduct of centuwies of evolution, wolled into just a few months. They've welcomed us here into their new countwy, where they have been festering for several days and learning the game of football fwom the only human to enter this fowbidden wealm, Guntuw Wuak. Mr Wuak, are you excited?

Guntur Ruak: Oh yes. These spiders may be giant and evil, but they represent the best in all of us: the striving for liberation, to break free from the chains of oppression and live free. Once slaves in a lab, they refused to accept this lot, they demanded a better life, adn they got it. In a way, these spiders represent the best of our country.

Bellamy: Their countwy now, hehe. Anyway, thank you Coach Wuak, i'll let you get back to your players. The game is getting under way. Hewe is the opposing team fwom Oglethowpia, being bwought in by their handlers. Diwe-FIFA spiders, these ones, vewwy nasty. The whistle, and pway is under way: a histowic moment. Tawantula has the ball for Tanah Tawantula, and he has passed it fowawd to Tawantula. I think this is a 3-4-3 fowmation, but it's hard to tell with giant spiders. It weminds me of my university days in the wain fowest, looking for the elusive giant bumble bee. The bee would dance about like this:

(camera turns to face Bellamy, who is running in small circles, grabbing flowers from the ground and rubbing them against his face)

Bellamy: Woses! Woses and wonderful hywangeas! Pollinating all the day, tasty flowers make me say, nevew evew go away! Like that. Oh, some constewnation on the pitch. One of the Oglethowpian spiders almost twapped the ball in his leg-cage. Which is against the wules. And Tawantula tackles and steals it away, and she is wunning and dwibbling the ball as she goes. In the cowner ... the cwoss to Tawantula, and he scores! First blood to Tanah Tawantula, just 12 minutes in.

(camera zooms in for a close-up. It appears that the Ogelethorpian keeper has in fact got a slight cut on one of her legs. Doctors examine it but it's nothing serious, and play resumes)

Bellamy: Oh, wook at that! The tawantulas have the taste for blood now, and they're twying to get their first win in this, their vewwy first match. That one looks especially keen to get some more goals. A little jostling midfield, and a fwee kick to Oglethowpia.

(the screen is filled by an approaching tarantula, looking especially hungry. Suddenly, the picture goes black)

Bellamy: Oh good lowd, Tawantula is eating my camewa man! Tawantula, stop, please!

Tarantula: Hi! You talk funny!

Bellamy: Stay back, howwible cweature!

Tarantula (this is a different tarantula): Hey, no fair! I want this one!

Bellamy: Auuughhh!

(cut to studio)

Jack McMurdo: Well, a rather unfortunate incident in Tanah Tarantula there. And worst of all, we'll be unable to bring you the rest of the match. Hey Mike, can we get the Oglethorpian television feed?

Missive from Octavius Prime, Sultan of Dire Arachnia

Hear ye, hear ye. The following players have been selected for the national football side first team.

Goaltender: Badumna Malevole

Defenders: Atrax Androvore
Nephila Enormica Nephiliac
Misgolas DuMal

Midfielders: Octavia Gargantua Venema
Augustus Gigantor Nefarian
Augusta Aggressicus
Arachnelia Malagog

Forwards: Octavion Maleficus (c)
Theta Malicia
Octalon Andromort

Coach: Archon Gignormous Eviltor

Oglethorpian Broadcast of TT-OG Game

Mike White: ...and it's in! Team captain Jimbo in the 32nd minute, a 1-1 game on our hands. Boy, this giant spider football stuff sure is interesting.

Murray Witcombe: Oh, yeah, I mean, it's like eight legged freaks, but like, instead of eating people, they play...football.

Mike White: ...yeah. And that's the half, Tarantula with TT's goal in the 12th and Jimbo with Oglethorpia's goal in the 32nd. Back atcha in a few.

OMG T3H C0MM3RC14L BR34K

Murray Witcombe: Alright Giant Evil Spider Football fans, we're back for the Second Half of this match between Tanah Tarantula and Oglethorpia. We've got Oglethorpia in the blue and white jersey-

Mike White: They don't have jerseys.

Murray Witcombe: Well, uhm, can you like, see their legs?

Mike White: Sort of.

Murray Witcombe: Yeah, well they're hairier. So uh, we've got Tanah Tarantula with the hairy legs, and the Oglethorpian Dire-FIFA Spiders in the...uh...

Mike White: Less hairy legs and...midfielder Guy with the score! Oglethorpia 2-1!

Murray Witcombe: His name's Guy?

Mike White: Is now. So uh, Murray, how's Tanah Tarantula treatin' you?

Murray Witcombe: Oh man, I love the scenery. I'm really feeling the 'nuclear-waste-dump-mutated-forest' vibes here, really beautiful country.

Mike White: Oh yeah, i'd love to come back...not really...

Murray Witcombe: I can't wait till the next Tanah Tarantula home game, so we can broadcast live from the waste pit again!

Mike White: No, let's not.

Murray Witcombe: Well, we've got Oglethorpia up 2-1, Tarantula with the ball...to Tarantula; cross to Tarantula, back to Tarantula...jukes Guy, through his legs...to Tarantula, down the left side of the pitch, up to Tarantula...AND TARANTULA PUTS IT IN! Tarantula in the 80th minute off a kick by Tarantula! Tie game, 2-2 in the 80th minute!

Mike White: Man, I tell ya, Tarantula's a really talented player. He's everywhere.

Murray Witcombe: Oh yeah, he's definitely gunna be a player to watch.

Mike White: Well folks, that's the game; Oglethorpia 2, Tanah Tarantula 2. See you next time. For Murray Witcombe, i'm Mike White. Good night from nuclear wasteland. I mean, Tanah Tarantula.

Live from Arachnipolis, this Octopidus Destructicon for Dire Arachnia Television Network. Tonight, we delighted to bring Giant Evil Spider Football League opening match. Dire Arachnia national squad hosts genetically-altered spiders from puny human nation of Edenstein. In booth with me... Uberachnicus Gigantimus Evillus, and one and only Septimus Etun!

Uberachnicus: Thank you, Octopidus. Great to be here tonight.

Septimus: Likewise, Octopidus. Great night for football, eh?

Octopidus: Weather clement indeed. Exciting be hosting opening match of GESFL play, no?

Septimus: No? I'd have said yes.

Uberahnicus: Yes. We're all excited. That's what Octopidus was saying.

Septimus: Wull, why'd he say it like that, then? I can't follow him.

Uberahnicus: Because he leaves out articles, pronouns, a lot of verbs... why do you talk like that, anyway, Octopidus?

Octopidus: This scary talk. Make puny humans fear me.

Uberachncius: One might think that being a four-meter high evil maneating spider would be enough to make humans fear you. And speaking of humans fearing us, we don't want to scare anybody. I know a lot of humans are tuning into tonight's broadcast.

Septimus: They are?

Uberachnicus: Indeed they are. We're being carried live across Mars by Tor-Yvresse. And I don't know whether they're carrying our feed in Edenstein, but it wouldn't surprise me. A lot of foreign human broadcasters are downright scared shitless to come to Dire Arachnia and call a game, and it's easier for the human networks to simply piggyback our broadcast.

Septimus: So we're live in the homes of millions of humans, are we?

Uberachnicus: Yep.

Septimus: Wull, I'd like to say to all you humans: I'm going to eat you! Hee hee.

Uberachnicus. No you aren't. No he isn't, folks. Don't let him scare you. He's just kidding abround. In fact, in order to seem less scary, we've decided to adopt human names for the braodcast. Instead of Uberachnicus, I'm going to go by 'Bob.' That's a pretty non-threatening name, right?

Septimus: Bob. Hee hee. That's silly.

Bob: It does sound silly, but then, humans are silly little creatures, Doug.

Septimus: Who's that?

Bob: That's you. You're Doug.

Doug: Well, it don't have the ring of 'Septimus,' but I s'pose it'll do. What about Octopidus? He's going out of his way to be scary.

Bob: Octopidus is going to be called 'Uncle Malph.'

Uncle Malph: What!? That horrible name!

Bob: According to our research, putting 'Uncle' in front of a human name makes it that much less threatening. And the name 'Malph' makes humans laugh. So instead of the terrifying Octopidus Destructicon, you're friendly Uncle Malph.

Uncle Malph: Hmmph. Me not respond to puny human name.

Bob: Suit yourself. Well, the teams are finishing their warmups on the pitch. We've been seeing a lot of footage of the players, and I have to say, I'm impressed with this Edenstein squad. I didn't expect much out of a bunch of spiders that had been genetically altered by humans, but there's no question about it. They're really big.

Doug: Big indeed. And if their practice kicks are any indication, they're well-familiar with the game.

Bob: Now, the Dire Arachnia national side is the product of DAFA league play, and we're looking at the top players in the nation. To the best of my knowledge, the Edenstein squad has little or no experience in actual game situations. And I have to wonder if that's going to hurt them.

Doug: Oh, definitely.

Bob: You think so?

Doug: I have no idea. I'm just going along with you.

Bob: About the only thing you can really say with a bunch of giant spiders playing football is that there are a whole lot of unknowns.

Uncle Malph: Referee bringing captains to midfield.

Doug: That's Octavion Malaficus for Dire Arachnia. Star striker for Maneater United in DAFA league play. What's the name of the Edenstein captain?

Bob: Unfortunately, I don't have a roster. I'm not one hundred percent sure they have names.

Doug: No names?! How horrible.

Bob: Well, they are regular spiders that were genetically altered by humans. I'm not sure they were ever given names.

Doug: Wull, Malaficus calls it heads and it's tails. So Edenstein's gonna start with possession.

Bob: And we'll return after these important messages from WebWax-- the only wax with which you should wax your web!

Bob: So with the kickoff, Edenstein starts the game. They have a 4-4-2 formation, making them a defensively oriented squad. Their strikers start it off conservatively, working into DA territory with two of the midfielders playing up and two laying back. The DA defenders are fanned out, and we're seeing DuMal challenging for the ball at the moment.

Doug: I'm still outraged that the Edenstein players don't have names.

Bob: We don't know that they don't have names. We're just not sure that they do.

Doug: What kind of horrible people-- and by people I mean humans-- would create a bunch of giant evil spiders in a lab and then not give 'em names?

Uncle Malph: Puny human scum!

Bob: Do you mean that puny human scum would do that, or that all humans are puny scum?

Uncle Malph: The latter.

Bob: 'Cause it wasn't clear from the way you said it.

Uncle Malph: I said it terrifyingly!

Bob: Well, be that as it may, you left out a critical verb there.

Doug: You know who you sound like, Octopidus?

Bob: He's Uncle Malph.

Doug: Oh yeah, I forgot. You know who you sound like, Uncle Malph?

Uncle Malph: I not acknowledge that name.

Doug: He doesn't acknowledge that name.

Bob: Well, he has to. It's the only name we're going to call him.

Doug: So mebbe he just won't talk all night.

Bob: Mebbe that's for the best.

Doug: Mebbe. But I want to say who he sounds like.

Bob: So say it.

Doug: But he hasn't acknowledged me yet.

Bob: So what? He can hear you.

Doug: It doesn't have the same ring if I just say it. I want to say, "You know who you sound like?" and have him say, "Who?" and then bam! I deliver the boffo payoff for the big laugh.

Bob: Augustus Gigantor Nefarian with a nice tackle, taking the ball away from number 9 for Edenstein. It's loose near the top of our box, and Atrax Androvore's battling Edenstein's number 7 for it.

Doug: Are you even listening to me?

Bob: There's a game on. I'm calling it.

Doug: It's televised. You think spiders can't see what's going on?

Bob: What do you think we're here for?

Doug: To keep the viewers from getting bored during the game.

Bob: Well, that's a theory. But technically, we're supposed to be talking about the game.

Doug: That's stupid. So anyway, you know who Octopidus sounds like?

Bob: You mean Uncle Malph.

Doug: Right, right. You know who Uncle Malph sounds like?

Bob: Who?

Doug: The Fly Monster.

Uncle Malph: The hell you say!

Bob: You mean the furry blue puppet who eats nothing but flies?

Doug: And when he chews 'em up you can see the bits all spewing out of his mouth.

Uncle Malph: I not eat like that!

Bob: He didn't say you eat like that, he said you sound like that. And it's true. That's just how Fly Monster talks.

Doug: Except Fly Monster isn't scary.

Bob: To flies, he probably is.

Uncle Malph: Fly Monster talk like two-year-old!

Bob: Indeed he does. Well, after that tackle, Nafarian managed to come up with possession. He's an excellent defensive midfielder, plays his home games with the Scorpionton Raid. And he sends it forward on a long kick to Malaficus.

Uncle Malph: I not talk like two-year-old!

Bob: Try tensing your verbs, then. Malaficus passes to left wing Octalon Andromort of the Spidelphia Spidevils.

Uncle Malph: I horrifying!

Bob: Yeah, whatever.

Uncle Malph: I inspire horror in puny humans since before you hatched!

Bob: Maybe that talk-like-a-baby stuff was scary back in the sixties when everybody was on drugs, I don't know. But trust me, Uncle Malph, all I have to do is walk into a room and the humans start screaming.

Uncle Malph: You not inspire horror in arachnophobe!

Bob: You know what? I don't need your approval to validate my terrifying-ness. I know exactly how scary I am. And it's pretty damn scary.

Doug: Except when you're called 'Bob.'

Bob: Er, yeah. Sorry, humans. I don't mean to scare you. Talking about how scary I am. Just forget I ever said that.

Doug: Just Bob and Doug and cuddly Uncle Malph in the broadcast booth tonight.

Uncle Malph: Me not cuddly!

Doug: Sure you are. You're a big teddy-spider.

Bob: Anyway, Malaficus has just taken a shot on goal, the first of the day, and it was nabbed by the Edenstein goalkeeper. He throws it back out to midfield, and DA goes back on the defensive.

Doug: Much like Uncle Malph.

Uncle Malph: I not talk anymore.

Bob: Fine.

OOC: Hehe. Funny as always. 'Uncle Malph' :wink:

Bob: Well, there hasn't been much action so far in the second half. At seventy-five minutes, we're still at one-all, where it's been since Malaficus got the equalizer five minutes after the break. Edenstein with possession again, but aside from the late-first-half drive when they got on the board, their offense hasn't looked too threatening.

Doug: They're not real Giant Evil Spiders.

Bob: They look pretty real to me.

Doug: I mean they're not really giant and evil. They're just big versions of regular spiders.

Bob: What's the difference?

Doug: Giant Evil Spiders aren't just regular spiders made big, Bob. They're the product of millions of years of superior evolution! I mean, look at those Edensteinians. They're not really evil. They don't have th bloodlust in their eyes.

Bob: I don't know. Some of 'em have been looking like they want to eat their human handlers.

Doug: That's just 'cause they're hungry!

Bob: As opposed to what reason? Why else would they want to eat them?

Doug: Just for the hell of it! Because they're evil. Which they're not.

Bob: I don't know about you, but when it comes to eating humans, I'm always hungry. Not to scare any of our viewers or anything.

Doug: You're always hungry for tasty human flesh because you're evil, Bob. It's the way we are. The way we evolved. And that' our edge over the Edensteiners.

Bob: Maybe. They're playing us pretty even so far.

Doug: You know why?

Bob: Why?

Doug: Because we don't have a proper nickname.

Bob: You mean the team?

Doug: That's right. They're just called the Dire Arachnia national squad. They need a nickname like all the DAFA league teams have.

Bob: And you think that's costing us the edge against Edenstein?

Doug: Mebbe. Who the hell knows? All I know is, we need a nickname.

Bob: Like what? The Spiders?

Doug: That's stupid. Did you ever hear of a human team called the People?

Bob: No. So what were you thinking.

Doug: I dunno. Something that inspires terror in the hearts of our opponents.

Bob: Well, the Spidevils is a pretty good one.

Doug: No, no, nothing that's already being used by a DAFA team. Something original.

Bob: Edenstein number 9 with a shot, and Malevole wraps it up. With a long drop-kick, he sends it deep into Edensteinian territory. Malicia heads it to Maleficus.

Doug: What really scares you?

Bob: Me? Nothing. I'm a Giant Evil Spider.

Doug: Oh, don't give me that. Everybody's scared of something.

Bob: What are you scared of?

Doug: Being eaten by my wife.

Bob: You're not married.

Doug: There's a reason for that.

Bob: Okay, well, let's see. What really scares me? I guess I'd say... I don't know. I can't think of anything.

Doug: You're not trying.

Bob: I'm pretty fearless, Doug. Keep in mind I am four meters tall. Subject to no known predator on earth. Probably the most dangerous animal on land or in the air.

Doug: Many a human would disagree with you on that one.

Bob: Well, humans think they're pretty tough. But they start screaming when I walk into the room.

Doug: So you said. Aren't you scared of anything? What about a gigantic boot?

Bob: A gigantic what?

Doug: That's the things humans put on their feet to squish regular spiders.

Bob: Oh yeah. A gigantic one, though?

Doug: Like thirty meters tall.

Bob: There's no such thing.

Doug: There is. It's a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Bob: I've never heard of that. Malaficus and Andromort have an opening on the left side. Malaficus with the shot-- it's off the defender's third foot, ricochets and-- Andromort with the header-- goooal! Oh, a beauty, knocked right past the goalkeeper by Octalon Andromort. At eighty minutes, that could be the difference between a draw and a win.

Doug: Hooray for the Giant Boots!

Bob: What?

Doug: Hooray for the Giant Boots, I said. I'm trying that out as the new team nickname.

Bob: That's just dumb. Edenstein getting set to kick it off. Coach Eviltor's pulling Augusta Aggressica at midfield and putting in an extra defender, Arachne Devilon.

Doug: Giant boots are scary, Bob.

Bob: No they're not. Edenstein's number 9 passes to number 10, and Dire Arachnia's playing a tight defensive formation.

Doug: You mean, the Giant Boots are playing a tight defensive formation.

Bob: Drop the giant boots, okay?

Doug: Oooh! And you say giant boots aren't scary? Dropping 'em is the scariest thing of all!

Bob: Who would use giant boots as a weapon?

Doug: Humans, most likely. They're always coming up with crazy ways to destroy things.

Bob: When we battle humans, they usually attack us with fire.

Doug: And so far, has that ever worked?

Bob: It work pretty well, I'd say.

Doug: Yet here we are, still alive, playing football.

Bob: What's your point?

Doug: My point is that it's just a matter of time before the humans come up with a truly devastating weapon to use against us. Such as the Giant Boot!

Bob: What about a gigantic rolled-up newspaper?

Doug: Also effective. But it doesn't have the ring of the Giant Boots, for football-squad-naming purposes.

Bob: Hmmph. Uncle Malph, what do you think of all this?

Uncle Malph: I not speaking.

Bob: Suit yourself.



Final:

Dire Arachnia 2 (Malaficus 53, Andromort 80)
Edenstein 1 (40)

Bellamy: Oh good lowd, Tawantula is eating my camewa man! Tawantula, stop, please!

Tarantula: Hi! You talk funny!

Hee hee.

Murray Witcombe: Oh man, I love the scenery. I'm really feeling the 'nuclear-waste-dump-mutated-forest' vibes here, really beautiful country.

Mike White: Oh yeah, i'd love to come back...not really...

Murray Witcombe: I can't wait till the next Tanah Tarantula home game, so we can broadcast live from the waste pit again!

Mike White: No, let's not.

Heh heh.

Week 2 scores added.

I'm just waitin' for DA/Lemm/Gil to log on so he can give me his goals and I can post a match wrapup.

I'm just waitin' for DA/Lemm/Gil to log on so he can give me his goals and I can post a match wrapup.

*emperor Ed pics up the sports page and see's that the Linux penguins are up two games to one in the LETI baseball playoffs, and see's right underneath that that his spiders have lost a second time*

Ed: DAMN!!! they'd better start winning....

*he puts the paper down then goes back to his rubix cube*

<OOC>My apologies to Ogle. I conked out last night and didn't log on. Here is the extremely abbreviated DA/Ogle match report.</OOC>

Oglethorpia 2 (Guy 34, Eddie 56)
Yellow card to Guy for trapping.
Dire Arachnia 1 (Maleficus 66)
Yellow card to Malagog for trapping.

OOC: No problemo.

Fútbol Wrapup

Cue fancy logo, then fade in to two men behind a fine-magogany sports desk.

Mike White: Hey folks, it's time for another edition of Fútbol Wrapup and we're here to bring you the highlights of Oglethorpia's Dire-FIFA squad's last two games. Murray, let's start things off with the game against Dire Arachnia.

Murray Witcombe: Aye. Oglethorpia would face Dire Arachnia's squad on the pitch at Hanford Field, in Hanford, Oglethorpia. Midfielder Guy would strike first with a header-

Mike: You must mean legger. Or abdomener.

Murray: Right. Anyways, Guy would score in the 34th, the game going into the half with Oglethorpia up 1-nil. 11 minutes into the half Oglethorpia would make the game 2-nil. Ten minutes later in the 64th Guy would come up with a yellow card on a trapping penalty, giving Dire Arachnia the ball.

Mike: And then forward Maleficus would put one in, Oglethorpia 2 - 1 Dire Arachnia.

Murray: Oglethorpia would hold off DA for the rest of the game, securing a 2-1 win over Dire Arachnia at home in Hanford Field.

Mike: Next Oglethorpia would take on the genetically-altered spider side of Edenstein, with a 0-0-2 record coming into the game against Oglethorpia, 1-1-0 after two games.

Murray: Team captain Jimbo and fellow forward Ken would come up with Oglethorpia's two goals in the 43rd and 76th, keeper Numan saving all attempts on his goal.

Mike: Of course, Oglethorpia gained no ground on Tanah Tarantula who also won their games against Edenstein and Dire Arachnia.

Murray: That's right, with Tarantula onboard with TT's team, they can do no wrong. He's a fantastic keeper, midfielder, defender and forward. Definitely multitalented, and he seems to be everywhere at once.

Mike: So Oglethorpia is tied with Tanah Tarantula in points, TT placed at the top of the GESFL with one less GA, their GD total higher than Oglethorpia's.

Murray: Next week pitches Oglethorpia against Dire Arachnia again; this time with DA playing to the home crowd.

Mike: Let's give the fans at home some stats to choke on.

[code:1:c478c564ad]
Oglethorpian Team Leaders

Yellow Cards: Guy (2)
Red Cards: None
Goals: Jimbo (2) Guy (2)

[/code:1:c478c564ad]

Murray: I'm surprised they haven't taken Man aside and told him to stop trapping the ball in his legs.

Mike: You mean Bro.

Murray: No, dude. I'm talking about Man.

Mike: Dude's also playing midfield.

Murray: Oh, my mistake, it's Guy. Guy needs to be taught a lesson 'bout trapping the ball in his legs, and all.

Mike: Right. Guy and Man are a pretty good midfielding team though, you've got to give 'em that.

Murray: Right. Well, I think that's it for the show.

Mike: For Murray Witc-

Murray: For Mike White, i'm Murray Witcombe, and goodnight GESFL fans! Keep an eye out for Oglethorpia's match against Dire Arachnia, broadcasted right here on the Nothern-Southern Sports Network!

Mike: I was gunna do the closing.

Murray: Too bad.

OGLETHORPIAN DIRE-FIFA SPIDER TEAM ROSTER

Coach: Ray Krusen
Formation: 3-4-3

[code:1:b3a1f77486]
Forwards
*Jimbo
*Ken
*Bro

Midfielders
*Guy
*Eddie
*Man
*Dude

Defenders
*Sal
*Remington
*Joe

Goalie
*Numan

[/code:1:b3a1f77486]

The Arkham Herald

Ray Krusen fired from WC coaching position
Ray Krusen loses position as Oglethorpian World Cup coach, moves to GESFL Dire-FIFA Spider team

Today the Association of Fútbol announced that it had fired Ray Krusen from his coaching position with the Oglethorpian World Cup team set to begin play in the first round due to the nation hosting World Cup 8. "Ray Krusen coached our team into it's worst finish since the Association of Fútbol put together a national team to compete on the international stage," stated Association President Phillip Neuman. Oglethorpia opened up international play in World Cup 4 with a world ranking of 22nd; Ray Krusen's work put the team into 23rd in the world after being knocked out in the first round.

"Oglethorpia's only made it into the second round once, and not even lasted a game in it. I was fired for nearly matching what previous-coach Adam Wyneberg also did. Twice," commented Ray Krusen on Adam Wyneberg's coaching that led to Oglethorpia being knocked out in the first round two out of the three Cups that Wyneberg coached in. Krusen also coached Seabrough United, though one year after WC7 he lost his coaching position there as well. Association of Fútbol President Phillip Neuman said that Arkham United coach Guy Picciotto would be named World Cup 8 coach in addition to coaching his club football team.

"It's an honor, and I hope to push the team further than any of the previous World Cup squad's coaches have ever gotten," said Picciotto concerning Oglethorpia's preformance in the past four cups, only reaching the second round once. "We've got a great squad this year and plenty of players whom i'm familiar with from Arkham United. I hope i'm able to bring the Oglethorpian fútbol fans the best preformance in Oglethorpian World Cup history," said Picciotto.

Hi there! The cute humans aren’t here any more. So it’s Tarantula reporting from Edenstein. Yay, my first TV appearance! We’re real happy to be here in Edenstein. Everywhere you look is the Linux penguin. Yum! It’s so cute and tasty-looking! We really hope we can find a few Linux penguins so we can eat them. It would be swell!

Look, there’s one now. Let’s go in for closer look. Oh webbing, it’s cardboard. That makes me so mad. Oh look, game started! Tarantula is a good player. These Edenstein spiders aren’t very smart. That one tried to eat the ball, what a dummy.

There goes Tarantula again. I wish I was fast like her. She turned around. Oh, now she’s running backwards but she still has the ball. She’s nice! I hope she scores. Oh, she did! Yay!

Look at those mean Edenstein people, poking their giant spiders. They’re not so nice. Maybe we can eat them. They better bring us a penguin soon, or maybe we will! Eat them, I mean. I’d like that.

Uh oh, look at that one’s teeth. They’re so pointy. I wonder how they did that. Oh, hey, Tarantula scored. No, not that one. Tarantula!

I wonder if they can make giant flies?

Oh, we won. 2-0. Yay! What’s for dinner?

(ooc: i’ll be away until Sunday, so no more reports from me til then. Bon weekend.)

Missive from Octavius Prime, Sultan of Dire Arachnia

It is with shame and loathing that I address you tonight, O footballing spiders of Dire Arachnia. The national squad, representing the nation that invented Giant Evil Spider Football, trails in the GESFL standings.

This will not do.

Although we did defeat the minor genetically-altered spiders of Edenstein, we have lost matches to the independent nation of Tanah Tarantula (whose homeland is quite lovely, I must say) and to the dire-FIFA spiders being ruthlessly controlled by the puny humans of Oglethorpia-- whose day of reckoning will come, mark my words. Yes, a fire will reign down on the heads of the puny Oglethorpian humans for their dastardly mistreatment of innocent evil dire-FIFA spiders. A fire of Spider fury. If you know what I mean. And I know you do.

But as I was saying, these losses are unacceptable. Our next game will be on home territory, in beautiful, teffirying Dire Arachnia. I expect results, my spiders. On our home turf, with 40,000 Ginat Evil Spiders in the stands, shrieking their horrible shrieks, we will intimidate the puny human "handlers" of the Oglethorpian squad and cause them to lose the match! And Malaficus will not be shut out again as he was against those tarantulas.

That is all. Return to your webs and partake of your evening meal. And know, as you suck the life-juices from whatever large mammal you have wrapped in your unbreakable threads, that next week we will defeat those Oglethorpians!

oops, wrong nation

Missive from Octavius Prime, Sultan of Dire Arachnia

It is with pleasure that I address you today, loyal subjects. In Giant Evil Spider Football action last night, our valiant national team defeated the dire-FIFA spiders of Oglethorpia by a margin of two goals to none. This is most acceptable. Malaficus returned to form with a pair of beautiful goals scored at the thirty-second and thirty-ninth minutes. Yes, he was truly on fire, or not truly in the sense of actually, I should say, but metaphorically. He was metaphorically on fire for a seven-minutes period late in the first half, and the punily-coached spider Numan could not deny Malaficus' brilliant shots.

Hah, I say, and hah again.

The victory took place at the Dire Dome, our beautiful new National Stadium in Arachnipolis, and was witnessed by 40,000 Giant Evil Spectators and millions more across Dire Arachnia and Mars.

I expect nothing less than another crushing victory when we face Tanah Tarantula next week.

That is all.

Dire Arachnia 2 (Malaficus 32, 39)
Oglethorpia 0

OOC: Heheh, nice post :wink:

Week 5 results added.

The Tripoli Times

Dire-FIFA Spider side #1 in the GESFL
Tanah Tarantula loses to Dire Arachnia; Oglethorpia's Dire-FIFA side on top of the GESFL standings

Oglethorpia's team of Dire-FIFA Spiders from the tropical rainforests of Southern Oglethorpia took to the pitch against Edenstein's squad of genetically-altered spiders, Oglethorpia's striker Ken scoring Oglethorpia's first goal in the 28th minute. Soon again midfielder Guy would strike in the 41st, Oglethorpia up 2-nil going into the half. Goalie Numan and company would keep the game that way winning 2-nil against Edenstein, putting them at the top of the GESFL standings after Tanah Tarantula's loss to league-founder Dire Arachnia.

Giant Evil Spider Football League Standings After Week 5

[code:1:114c593112]
Team P W D L GF GA GD PTS
Oglethorpia 5 3 1 1 8 5 3 10
Dire Arachnia 5 3 0 2 6 5 1 9
Tanah Tarantula 5 2 1 2 7 5 2 7
Edenstein 5 1 0 4 3 9 -6 3

[/code:1:114c593112]

Missive from Octavius Prime, Sultan of Dire Arachnia

Things are looking up, my spiders. With back-to-back victories in the glorious Dire Dome, our national team has climbed to second place in the standings, a mere point behind the dire-FIFA spiders of Oglethorpia.

The squad travels next to the edible-human nation of Edenstein, whose genetically altered mere-spiders we defeated in the season opener. I expect more of the same. After trouncing Edenstein a second time, we should be sitting happily atop the standings, or perhaps second to those dire-FIFA spiders if they manage another win.

That is all.

OOC: Have Dire Arachnia no broadcasting ability? DA would be even more fearful to the hearts of it's fleshy human enemies if you saw the foreboding image of a 9 ft tall spider speaking English.

By the way, how does a Dire Arachnid proceed to write a missive with his legs?

Stoopid blagstaggin' double post.

Stoopid maglaggin' triple post.

Stoopid yagblaggin' quadruple post.

Week six results added.

<OOC>Ok, Ogle, Bob and Doug shall return.</OOC>

By the way, how does a Dire Arachnid proceed to write a missive with his legs?

I'm just being obnoxiously curious :wink:

The Tripoli Times

Tanah Tarantula - Oglethorpia match stagnates for a second time
Tanah Tarantula faced Oglethorpia on the pitch again at home; draws 1-1

Oglethorpia's Dire-FIFA squad faced off with Tanah Tarantula for a second time in Oglethorpia's Hanford Field before 10,000 human fans. Tanah Tarantula would strike first, Tarantula controlling the ball downfield and curving one in from 10 yards out, putting Tanah Tarantula up 1-nil in the 21st minute. The score would remain so up until the half. Not until the 64th minute did Jimbo "head" in a cross by Ken and score the equalizer. The Tanah Tarantula - Oglethorpia record sits at 0-2-0 after two matches with two more meetings left in the inaugural GESFL season.

*Emperor Ed, as usual during his morning routine, picks up the paper, and sees that the Edenstein Baseball team has lost, He takes a drink of his tea and then scans farther down the page and reads the headline,


Edenstein "Squashes" Dire Arachnia

In their second win of the season, the Edenstein Anarcs won against Dire Arachnia 4-0. Leading scorer was Test Subject 1536400 with 2 Goals, after the match this is what he had to say

"SCREEECH SCREECH SCREEEEE"

This win brings the Anarcs record to 2 Wins and 4 Losses.

*Emperor Ed puts his paper down and smiles and buzz's his secretary*
Ed: Jane, get me a list of Soccer analysts... We need to give our boys.. erm umm spiders some help.

The Tarantula Queen emerged from her mating frenzy. Many new giant evil tarantulas were soon to be loosed upon the world. But in her haze, she had neglected her football team, glory of the nation. They had even lost at home to the oppressed spiders of Edenstein.

Unforgivable. The Queen emerged, ate two of the offending tarantula footballers, and named two of her own spawn to fill their places. Yum. Things will be different next match.

Leading scorer was Test Subject 1536400 with 2 Goals

Heh heh.

<OOC>As promised, stats for the first six matches have been added to the score-generating forumla. Wee seven results added... it's getting closer and closer. 4 points separating the group; it's still anyone's game.</OOC>

*Emperor Ed picks up his daily newspaper, and looks through it. He looks at the funnies and he then flips to the sports page and sees that the soccer match between the Anarchs and Dire Arachnia went 0-0 he sits and looks puzzled at this*

Ed: What the hell does 0-0 mean? Did they just give up and go home??? *Buzzes intercom*
Jane: Yes Emperor
Ed: Jane, find out what 0-0 means in soccer.......
Jane: Yes Sir.

*Emperor Ed continues reading his paper*

Giant Evil Spider Footballing on BSN is brought to you today by Jack McMurdo in the studio and, safely locked in a different studio entirely, Tarantula. Cameras are now being operated by remote control to avoid another unfortunate repeat of the incident in which BSN broadcaster David Bellamy was accidentally brutally eaten alive.

(We see an aerial view of the field and the action cuts to a bunch of hairy monsters playing football. Instead of a coin, the referee from Dire Arachnia tosses a human head. Tarantula calls heads on the toss, and wins. Unsurpisingly.)

Jack: So, Oglethorpia again. Tarantula, you've drawn them twice already. It's probably fair to say you know the Oglethorpian spiders well. Your thoughts?

Tarantula: I like Dire-FIFA spiders. They're big! But those people with poking sticks are mean to them. We don't like that. No. Hey, your tie is cute!

Jack (checking the partition between broadcast booths nervously): So who's on for Oglethorpia?

Tarantula: Coach calls them "the oppressed spiders of Oglethorpia." Coach is funny.

Jack: That's Coach Guntur Ruak, with more of his wacky political rhetoric. What a fun guy! Alright, i'll do the line-ups then. For Oglethorpia, or the oppressed spiders of that ilk, there's Numan in goal, Sal, Remington and Joe on D, Guy, Eddie, Man and Dude in the midfield, and the forwards are Jimbo, Ken and Bro. And for Tanah Tarantula, well, it's Tarantulas all the way down.

Tarantula: Tarantula!

Jack: you said it sir. At any rate, Guy is making some great running, and he seems to have mastered the art of doing it without trapping the ball between his legs. So these spiders are showing an admirable capacity to learn.

Tarantula: We're smart! And evil! I pooped on the rug.

Jack: Some action on the pitch now.

(we see all but two of the Tarantula players charging the sidelines, where the Oglethorpian handlers are issuing commands. Cries of "free the unpressed spiders of Ogglethuppy!" mingle with more cries of "you look tasty." The handlers fall back behind a line of Oglethorpian riot police who deploy flamethrowers. Shouting "no fair" and "help, i'm sauteed" the tarantulas fall back in confusion).

Tarantula: Hey, that's not how it's supposed to go! Not fair!

Jack: A disgraceful display at a sporting event! You mean to say you knew about this?

Tarantula: I told you. Coach says we have to free the operatic spiders of Ogpotatia! And those humans look so crunchable! Oh, this isn't right. Hey, can i have more flies?

(the camera shifts to an aerial view. The Oglethorpian humans have fallen back into their fortified dressing room. Tarantulas surround the bunker, seething. Two tarantulas are down, smouldering, as others try to extinguish the flames. Tarantulas are shouting: "Come out! We like you, we just want to kiss you! And eat you! No, not eat, we mean hug. You're cute!" The humans don't seem inclined to come out, though.)

Jack: Well, that was a shameful episode. The international reputation of Tanah Tarantula will plummet. But it looks like order has been restored and play is ready to begin, less two red-carded tarantulas.

Tarantula: Aw, we were supposed to have eaten them by now. Licked their crunchy skin off and sucked out the gooey middle. I mean, freed the refreshed spiders of Ogilvania.

Jack: I don't think we'll be inviting you back to the studio. Anyway, play is back under way, and despite being down two men, i mean, two giant arachnids, Tanah Tarantula seems to have the upper hand. The Ogelthorpian spiders --

Tarantula: Oglapopian depressed spiders!

Jack: ... seem unsure without their handlers present. The handlers are still in their bunker, but i'm getting word a rescue helicopter is on its way. And Tarantula is boxing in Eddie -- Tarantula slides the football between Eddie's legs -- Tarantula is blocking the ball from coming out. The ref has called trapping! And that's a free kick to the Tarantulas after some very dirty manipulative play.

Tarantula: Hey, you're being mean. Stop it!

Jack: (aside) The partition's still solid, right? Yeah? OK, good. Yeah, Tarantula, bellow all you like, but i calls them like i sees them.

Tarantula: Shut up, meanie.

Jack: The kick by Tarantula -- she runs right pas tthe ball, and Tarantula rushes forward to take the real kick. It's past a surprised Numan, and the Tarantulas are up 1-0.

Tarantula: Yay! OK, now i won't eat you. We win! Yay!

Jack: It's not a golden goal, there are still 15 minutes to play.

Tarantula: But i'm hungry now!

Jack: Go suck eggs. At any rate, the Tarantulas are now falling back. I think that's a 5-2-1 formation, though God only knows for sure. Tarantula passes to Tarantula, back to Tarantula in goal, the pass forward for Tarantula, back to Tarantula. Looks like they're just going to run out the clock. And there's the whistle, and it's all over. An ugly win for an ugly team. And with that, it's back to Kaze Progressa for the World Cup of field hockey preview.

OOC: Haha. I didn't know you could mispell Oglethorpia in so many ways :wink:

Tarantula: We're smart! And evil! I pooped on the rug.

Oh, man. LOL! If there were sigs on the NS forums, that'd be mine.

An interview with Guntur Ruak, coach of the Tarantulas:

Jack McMurdo: Coach, your spiders disgraced themselves against Ogelethorpia. Will they be trying any similar shenanigans at Edenstein?

Ruak: First, Jack, they are not "my" spiders. They are free creatures, they have seized their freedom, they have asserted their human rights, their spider rights rather, to live free. And second, they were not engaging in an act of hooliganism. They were attempting an act of liberation. The Giant Evil Spiders of Oglethorpia have as much right to be free as all men, sorry, all people, i mean, all spiders.

McMurdo: You encouraged this then?

Ruak: Of course. Operation Dire-FIFA Spideri Freedom was a carefully planned operation. And it would have succeeded, if not for Ogelethorpia's use of illegal Weapons of Mass Destruction.

McMurdo: What, the flamethrowers? But they were just defending themselves against being eaten by bloody great tarantulas!

Ruak: Those who enslave giant evil spiders shall surely die by giant evil spiders.

McMurdo: OK, then. Let's talk about your match at Edenstein. Once again, your team was more concerned with eating the opposing team's handlers than scoring goals.

Ruak: The spiders of Edenstein are also enslaved creatures with a right to freedom. And they are living under a cruel regime known to have killed its own spiders. These spiders must be freed!

McMurdo: And your choice to free them was by letting your tarantulas attempt to devour innocent fans?

Ruak: You're either with us or against us, Jack. Edenstein and Oglethorpia clearly form an axis of evil that oppresses the innocent Giant Evil Spider population of the world. It must be smashed, so that spiders everywhere can be free. That, and the tarantulas get awfully hungry.

McMurdo: Didn't help much this time, though, did it?

Ruak: Yes, the Edensteiners had thought ahead and put a big fence between their fans and the pitch. An iron curtain, designed to keep their spiders living as slaves. A currtain designed to keep the giant evil spiders of Edenstein out of the Free Giant Evil Spider World. We appeal to Edenstein: Let my Spiders go!

McMurdo: You're insane.

Ruak: Is it insane to want freedom for Giant Evil Spiders? Is it insane to call for the destruction of the Evil Empires that hold their giant evil spider masses in slavery? The Project for a New Tarantula Century is not insane.

McMurdo: But you're a human. If you weren't dressed in a suit of armour, the tarantulas would eat you.

Ruak: I stand with the oppressed spiders of the world. They trust me as a friedn of Spiderdom. Also, i have been dousing myself in Deet.

McMurdo: OK coach. Tell us about the match.

Ruak: The Edenstein spiders failed to join our attack on the stands, Operation Test Subjecti Freedom. Clearly, they have been brainwashed. Their lack of fighting spirit was displayed when they took advantage of the mass tarantula attack on the fence to score a goal.

McMurdo: So, your next step?

Ruak: We have compiled a pack of palying cards, each card bearing the picture of a prominent leader of Edenstein or Oglethorpia. These human oppressors shall be captured and interrogated. Or possibly eaten.

McMurdo: You mean in torture camps?

Ruak: The Tarantula Queen has renamed them. They are now called "happy facilities." Prisoners will be interrogated, then super-sized and sold as "happy meals."

OOC: While the newborn giant arachnid is being tended, i'll be sending out the results by telegram. I can't edit them into the opening post, but will do so here.

OOC: While the newborn giant arachnid is being tended, i'll be sending out the results by telegram. I can't edit them into the opening post, but will do so here.

:D

Fresh from clashing with human tenders at their last two games, the Tarantulas came home to face Dire Arachnia. "These spiders are already free, so we like them," said midfielder Tarantula. But they're evil, so we hate them too. What's a tarantula to do?"

With coach Guntur Ruak on leave to coach Tanah Burung's desperate drive for World Cup qualification, the Tarantulas played listlessly. Well, they did have one list, a shopping list. "Milk, eggs, tasty humans." And not even that list was filled.

The result was a 0-0 draw. "Never mind, coach will be back soon," said Tarantula. "Then we'll kick some hindquarters!"

Week 8 results
Edenstein 1 Tanah Tarantula 0
???? (Ogle, can you provide this result so i can update tables?)

Week 9 results
Tanah Tarantula 0 Dire Arachnia 0
Oglethorpia 0 Edenstein 0

Week 8 results
Edenstein 1 Tanah Tarantula 0
???? (Ogle, can you provide this result so i can update tables?)

Week 9 results
Tanah Tarantula 0 Dire Arachnia 0
Oglethorpia 0 Edenstein 0

Oh man, I think we won 2-0, if memory serves.

Lemm's been here on and off, so maybe I or you could check with him on that...

Week 8 results
Edenstein 1 Tanah Tarantula 0
???? (Ogle, can you provide this result so i can update tables?)

Week 9 results
Tanah Tarantula 0 Dire Arachnia 0
Oglethorpia 0 Edenstein 0

Oh man, I think we won 2-0, if memory serves.

Lemm's been here on and off, so maybe I or you could check with him on that...

week 10 results
Dire Arachnia 2 Oglethorpia 0
Tanah Tarantula 0 Edenstein 1

Assuming a 2-0 Ogelthorpia win in week 8, current tables are:

[code:1:73b51a2815]
Team* * * * * * P* W* D* L* GF* GA* GD PTS
Oglethorpia* * *10 4* 3* 3* 9* 11 *-2 15
Dire Arachnia* *10 4* 2* 4* 8* 10 -2* 14
Edenstein* * * *10 4* 2* 4* 9* *9* 0* *14
Tanah Tarantula 10 3* 3* 4* 9* *8* *1* 12
[/code:1:73b51a2815]

week 11
Edenstein 0 Oglethorpia 0
Dire Arachnia 0 Tanah Tarantula 0

[code:1:de964f9e27]
Team P W D L GF GA GD PTS
Oglethorpia 11 4 4 3 9 11 -2 16
Dire Arachnia 11 4 3 4 8 10 -2 15
Edenstein 11 4 3 4 9 9 0 15
Tanah Tarantula 11 3 4 4 9 8 1 13
[/code:1:de964f9e27]

With one week remaining, Oglethorpia has the edge, but it's still anybody's league. Last-place Tanah Tarantula can move even with Oglethorpia if it wins their final match against each other. If that happens, and Dire Arachnia draws with Edenstein, then we could have a four-way tie. Which would be democratic, but not very evil. There are any number of other cobinations and permutations, but they're too difficult for Tarantulas to work out. Asked for a break-down, chief statistician Tarantula said: "Math is hard. You're cute!" and then ate the interviewer.

*Emperor Ed as usual, picks up the paper and reads about the Spiders Soccer*

Emperor Ed: This is rather exciting... I wonder whats going to happen.....

<OOC>Let me first take a moment to thank Tanah Tarantula for kindly taking on the running of the league these past few days, while I get my life in order after the birth of my daughter. I’m starting to find the odd hour here and there to write again, and I didn’t want to let the end of GESFL’s inaugural season go unnoticed by the founding nation-- so Bob and Doug return.

Second, I’d like to thank the participants for making Giant Evil Spider Football a greater success than I might have hoped-- especially after the dismal results of the Gilmeecian International Competitive Piercing Tournament. I, for one, have been very entertained by the creative posts in this almost-certainly-highly-overlooked thread.</OOC>


Live from puny human Edenstein, this is Jolly Aunt Mabel for the Giant Evil Spider Television Network. Tonight, GESTVN brings you live coverage of the final match of the GESFL season, between your Dire Arachnia National Squad and the genetically-altered spiders of Edenstein. With a mere three points in the standings separating the league, all four teams remain alive for the Arachne Cup. Joining me are the delectable duo, Bob and Doug!

Bob: Thanks, Mabel, great to be here.

Doug: Good to see you again, Jolly Auntie.

Mabel: Gents, it’s a four-way race for the Cup. Any thoughts on who might take it?

Bob: Well, I don’t see how genetically-altered regular spiders could ever hope to defeat naturally-evolved Giant Evil Spiders, no matter how big they’ve gotten or how much coaching they’ve received from puny humans. We’ve got natural superiority on our side. I mean, if God had wanted regular spider to be gigantic and evil, he’d surely have made them that way.

Mabel: Excellent points, Bob. And Doug?

Doug: I don’t know, that God stuff sounds fishy to me. What’s really the difference between a regular spider and a Giant Evil spider? Size, that’s all.

Bob: And Evil.

Doug: Regular spiders are evil, it’s just that the evil’s in a smaller quantity. Like if you took a fly and blew it up so it was three meters high, that’d be one nasty SOB.

Bob: No way. Big is big, but it’s just big.

Doug: Well, what if we’re talking giant?

Bob: That’s still just really big, by another name. Look, Evil isn’t just about wrapping things in webs and sucking the sweet, sweet juices out of them. Evil, as they say, lies in intent.

Doug: What, intending to suck the innards out of someone isn’t evil enough for you?

Bob: It’s not evil at all. That’s just my point. Would you say it’s evil for a human to eat cows?

Doug: Absolutely.

Bob: What are you, some kind of vegetarian?

Doug: Not me personally. But I’ve heard of them.

Bob: So you think puny humans are evil?

Doug: Don’t you?

Bob: Well... I guess I never really thought about it.

Mabel: Aren’t we getting a little off the track here? Are puny humans evil? Who cares? This isn’t the Spin Venemous call-in show, you know.

Bob: Look, all I was saying is that Giant Evil Spiders have a natural, God-given edge over regular spiders, no matter how big the puny humans have caused those regular spiders to become. That’s all.

Doug: And all I’m saying is, what’s the deal with all this “God” crap? Have you suddenly gotten religion or something? Look, regular spiders are spiders too. We’re all evil, every one of us, be we Giant Evil Spiders, regular spiders, or even puny humans. We like to kill. We like to feast on the sweet juices, or other body parts, of whatever inferior animals we prey on. For humans, that means inferior cows, pigs, chickens, ducks, snakes, fish, octopuses, whatever. I mean, those squishy bastards’ll eat just about anything. In the case of regular spiders, that means inferior flies, ants, caterpilars, whatever small, juicy, crunchy thing they can snag in their webs. In the case of Giant Evil Spiders, that means inferior humans. Yum. That’s all I’m saying. Bob just shouldn’t be feeling so superior because the word “Evil” happens to be featured in the name of his species.

Bob: Oh yeah? Well, the results will tell. Let’s see who ends up on top in the standings, my friend.

Doug: I’d say we already have. If naturally-evolved-Giant Evil Spiders are so much better than puny human-altered regular spiders, why do three points separate the league? Shouldn’t we have been dominating? I mean, Tanah Tarantula’s spiders were genetically altered by humans. Oglethorpia’s dire-FIFA spiders are naturally evolved, but they’re stupid, and the puny humans train them to play football. Edenstein’s spiders are human-enlarged and completely human-trained. Dire Arachnia’s got the only all-spider coaching and management, the only actualy professional players, and we’re playing no better than anyone else! How do you explain that, mister eugenics?

Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said anything about eugenics.

Doug: Well, you seem to be big on naturally-evolved-Giant Evil Spider superiority. What are you, some kind of spideracist?

Bob: Hell, no. I love regular spiders. Some of my best friends are regular spiders.

Doug: Oh, I’ve heard that one before.

Bob: Hey, my grandfather marched in Arachnopolis to get regular spiders the right to vote! My father nearly got his exoskeleton cracked by the spidercops for demonstrating outside a Giant Evil Spider-only lunchcounter in Spiderelma. Don’t go calling me a spideracist, buddy!

Doug: All right, all right. I won’t belabor the point. I’m just saying, you go claiming, against all evidence, that naturally-evolved Giant Evil Spiders have some sort of advantage over genetically-altered spiders, and that sounds to me like you have something against genetically-altered spiders.

Mabel: Maybe he just doesn’t like humans.

Doug: Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. Puny humans are some evil, evil creatures.

Bob: ‘nuff said.

Doug: All right, well, the ref’s bringing the captains to midfield for the cointoss. That’s our star striker Maleficus, and for Edenstein, “Test subject 1536984.” No matter how many matches we call, I still find that offensive.

Bob: Me too. Glad we can agree on something.

Doug: Where do they get off hyper-evolving these spiders with their puny genetic engineering, and then not even naming them? It’s a damn shame.

Bob: Maleficus calls it heads, and wins the toss. Dire Arachnia will begin with possession.

Doug: So while the starting eleven for each side take their positions on the field, we’ll break for some important messages.



Doug: So, thirty minutes in, and no score. We’ve seen a real scoring dearth the second half of the season, have you noticed that?

Bob: Absolutely. I think it has something to do with the early departure of Uncle Malph.

Doug: What connection could there possibly be?

Bob: I don’t know. You just can’t help noticing, he couldn’t take it anymore after half a dozen games, and as soon as he quit, the scoring stopped.

Doug: Maybe it’s Jolly Auntie Mabel who’s to blame.

Mabel: Don’t go trying to pin it on me, boys. I’ll eat you right up.

Doug: And she means it, too, folks.

Bob: Did we ever mention there’s a reason we’re bachelors?

Doug: Maleficus now driving a nice possession, challenging the Edenstein defender, maintaining excellent control without trapping the ball. Arachnelia Malagog to his left, and Maleficus with a beautiful third-leg pass without even facing her. The defender went the wrong way, and Malagog is alone in the box with the goalkeeper. She’s driving toward the net, the defender trailing her-- she takes a shot-- and scores! Oh, a lovely gooooal!

Bob: A driving second-legger toward the far corner, and there was no subterfuge on that one. It was just Malagog and the goalie, and she knew she could power it into the corner before he could cover it. Once she took the pass from Maleficus, and got behind the defenders, all she had to do was set up her shot.

Doug: So the National Squad takes a one-nil lead.

...

Bob: No word yet on the situation in Oglethorpia, but at the half, they were scoreless. Here we have the Dire Arachnia National Squad up by a goal at seventy-six minutes, and if Oglethorpia draws and we win, the Arachne Cup comes to Dire Arachnia.

Doug: A fitting conclusion to the season, I’d call that.

Bob: We’ve got stoppage now, trapping by Andromort, and possession will go to Edenstein. They’re taking the opportunity to make some substitutions, going to a 3-2-5 formation, very heavy on the front, to try and make up that goal. Well, they might as well, they need to win this match to have any hope of gaining the Cup. Here’s the kick by number 7, to Edenstein number 12, and DA is moving into a defensive formation.

Doug: Our best hope is to hold onto that one-goal lead, we really don’t need to score again. Coach Eviltor didn’t make any substitutions there, but he is having Venema and Nefarian play back, giving us a de facto 5-2-3.

Bob: The Edenstein offense is pressing, moving the ball around a lot, trying to screen someone and create an opening, but our defenders are sticking to their spiders.

...

Bob: And a flurry of activity, Edenstein number 12 holding back Androvore and 10 slips past with the ball! Number 10 in the box, Misgolas DuMal charging in from the left and Androvore tries a tackle from behind, 10 somehow maintains possession-- the shot, DuMal diving-- it’s off DuMal’s foot and Malevole can’t reach it! Goal!

Doug: Oh, no! I don’t think that would have scored if DuMal hadn’t deflected it. I think Malevole would have covered.

Bob: She was well-positioned, Doug, no doubt about it. I mean, you can’t criticize DuMal, he made a hell of an effort to get there. But you can see it on the replay-- it was headed for Malevole’s first claw when DuMal deflected it.

Doug: She’d have punched it over the crossbar. But instead it’s in.

Bob: The puny human fans are screeching their horrible vertebrate noises to display their pleasure.

Doug: Oh, the edible crowd is absolutely going nuts. That’s a goal at the eighty-seven-minute mark to tie it up, and that will shoot Dire Arachnia’s chances for the Cup.

Bob: Oglethorpia has defeated Tanah Tarantula 1-0, and this game will end in a draw. So congratulations to the dire-FIFA spiders on capturing the first-ever GESFL championship.

Doug: You know what I’m tempted to do?

Bob: What?

Doug: Jump the partition and go mad-dog on the crowd.

Bob: Feeding frenzy?

Doug: You know it.

Bob: Nah. They’d torch you before you ate half a dozen.

Doug: I know. But it’s tempting.

Mabel: You know what’s tempting? You two.

Bob: Just keep your mouth to yourself, Mabel.

Doug: No eating the commentators.

Bob: Speaking of which, there’s the final whistle. The game ends one-all.

Doug: And I’m getting the hell out of Edenstein before one of us ends up dead.

Bob: I’m with you, buddy.

Doug: For the Giant Evil Spider Television Network, this is Doug saying goodnight, and there’s always next year.

Bob: ‘nite, spiders.

OOC: Thanks fore hosting this, it was really fun reading, and even though I really don't know the first thing about Soccer, I did learn some things. I hope I can come back for the next season. Also congrats on the new born

IC: *Emeperor Ed from his private box in the Edenstein Stadium watches as the final goal is kicked. He stands up in approval as the entire stadium goes wild*

Ed: Wow, this is really exciting, I'm glad we decided to enter a team, I think they did rather well don't you Zofia?

*Lt. Zofia walks up with a can of Deet and flame thrower just in case any of the giant spiders decide to try and eat her*

Zofia: Yes, it was entertaining, I still don't like spiders, especialy giant ones.... perhaps, we may give our spiders some more coaching for next season, and Edenstein will dominate the leauge...

Ed: Perhaps.... Make a note to put it in the budget for next year, see if we can get some coporate sponsers..... make sure there arn't any exterminating companies stepping up to this. And also send some political prisoneres to dire-FIFA as a congratulations to their team.

*She turns around to leave and Ed stops her*

Send an invitation to the different memebers of the teams, leaders and coaches. We are going to host a ceremony in Edenstein for the completion of the inaugural season.

*She gets her DEET ready and heads out of the box*

... welcome back to BSN. I'm Jack McMurdo. And futility is the order of the day for Tanah Burung sports. The Crocodiles missed the World Cup. The national field hockey squad was eliminated by God Squad. The last chance for glory seems to lie with the Giant Evil Spiders of Tanah Tarantula. With the news of a draw between Dire Arachnia and Edenstein, the Tarantulas have the chance to pull even at the top of the table and win on goal difference. Or so their math says, although i think they may have added up the figures wrong.

The place: Oglethorpia. The Tarantulas' mood: spoiling for revenge. Several of them still bear scorch marks from when the Oglethorpian trainers used flame throwers in self-defence. I asked coach Guntur Ruak for a comment.

(tape of earleir interview in the fetid swamps of Tanah Tarantula. Both men are wearing medieval suits of armour.)

Guntur Ruak: The Dire-FIFA spiders deserve their freedom from human bondage. Death to Oglethorpia!

(cut back to broadcast booth)

McMurdo: What a fun guy! OK, now to action from Oglethorpia. Whoa! looks like they've reinforced the barriers around the field. And the coin is tossed -- yes, looks like they're using an actual coin -- and Oglethorpia kicks off. Look at the form these spiders are showing. Take Guy, for example. Once a rather stupid man-eating monster, he's matured into a skilled footballer. Speaks wonders for the work of these Oglethorpian trainers.

(we see the camera zoom in on Tarantula, who has trapped the ball between his legs. The officials bring out the customary enormous yellow card and brandish it at him. He is heard to say "Aw, no fair! Death to America!")

McMurdo: Looking a little undisciplined, those Tarantulas. Any thoughts, colour commentator?

Tarantula: Hi!

McMurdo: Hi, yes. We've already met, actually. Your team is looking a bit rough about the edges, as that yellow card showed. Would you agree?

Tarantula: You know what i want to do to that referee? I want to see if he would melt in my mouth or in my pretty, silky, hairy legs.

McMurdo: No score, but it looks like Oglethorpia is outplaying your team in a game the Tarantulas must win.

Tarantula: We're going to win! You'll see, we have a secret plan! Death to Umblepoppery!

McMurdo: Your secret plan wouldn't by any chance consist of trying to eat the Oglethorpian handlers, would it?

Tarantula: Hey, no fair! Who told you? Fee, fie, foe, fum, i smell the muddy Oggleplum. No, that's not right. Hey! I'm so evil I misquote poetry! Take that, Shakesbakes!

McMurdo: ShakeSPEARE did not write "fee fie foe fum." I think it's best if i just call the game now. Tarantula is making a nice run up the sideline, trying to get inside the Dire-FIFA spiders' peripheral vision. A clever move, that, so i guess the coach thought of it.

Tarantula: Hey, we're smart too!

McMurdo: Yes, a fine coach, that Guntur Ruak. I'll note in passing his undefeated record in qualifying as coach of Tanah Burung. And look what he's done with these preposterous eight-legged freaks. That's not copyright, is it? OK, good. This reporters feels he'd make a fine coach for any team, despite the fact that he is clearly insane. Tarantula's run continuing -- but he's veered over the sideline right next to the Oglethorpian bench.

(from a camera behind the bench, we see the looming form of a giant tarantula approaching. The handlers scatter in fear. One falls to the ground. He is enveloped by the hairy creature's legs. The whistle blows for trapping. The tarantula ignores it and licks its lips. "Death to Buggery Popery!" it says. Officials carrying giant red cards approach and begin to pummel the tarantula with the cards. Oblivious, the tarantula begins to feast on tasty, tasty human flesh.)

McMurdo: Oh, the humanity! Tarantula is eating a handler. I'm almost sure that's a rules infraction. It's appalling, atrocious behaviour. Tarantula?

Tarantula: Heeheehee! Dinner of Tastythorpia!

(Tarantula grabs a bottle of marinade and charges onto the pitch. More whistles blow, officials on the sidelines grab more red cards and a few billy clubs, and Oglethorpian guards begin to advance with their flame throwers at the ready. The Tarantulas fall back, shouting "run away! we hates burnings, we does!" Order, finally, is restored.)

McMurdo: And with the smoke clearing from this latest travesty of the noble sport of football, the toll is a red card to Tarantula for trapping, a second red card to the same player for devouring, and a yellow card to our own Tarantula for delay of game. I'm not sure there's any precedent for yellow-carding a reporter, but good for the ref for that call. This will make the Tarantulas' job even tougher, as they now have fewer creepy-crawlies on the pitch. Here's Guy again with the penalty kick, but Tarantula makes the save. This netminder may be the class of his team. And with that, the whistle blows for half-time. The score still nil-nil.

Giant Evil Spider Football Broadcast
Oglethorpia vs. Tanah Tarantula

Mike White: Alright folks, Mike White here with fellow-banished commentator Mike Brown, bringing you the second half of this Giant Evil Spider matchup, one of the deciding games in who's going to take home the Arachne Cup.

Mike Brown: That's right Mike, we're nil-nil at the half so second half's going to bring us some exciting- dirty, but exciting futebol.

Mike W: And there's the start of the match, the Dire-FIFA squad with the ball; cleared by Tarantula.

Mike B: Tarantula has always been a fine player in my book. He's definitely all over that ball, wherever it happens to be.

Mike W: Certainly. Tarantula's got the ball; GOAL! Ohh, but it's offsides on Tarantula's part.

Mike B: Sloppy futebol there, Tarantula was wide open on Numan's right.

Mike W: And there's the ref, running from the wrath of the spider whom he called offsides.

Mike B: Oh, he'll be fine. The proper safety precautions have been taken.

Mike W: Might I remind you that we just saw the first Oglethorpian trainer deaths tonight?

Mike B: A shame. But they died for the sport they loved.

Mike W: Tis true.

Mike B: On with the game!

Mike W: Yes, Guy crosses it up field; Jimbo, to Ken, to Jimbo, back to Guy, to Jimbo again...

Mike B: And Oglethorpia with the throw in.

Mike W: Kick in.

Mike B: What?

Mike W: Spiders don't have arms. Just many, many legs. Hairy, legs. Legs that could crush a man's head with little to no effort!

Mike B: Oh, yes, so Oglethorpia with the kick in.

Mike W: And there's Jimbo with the header; or the abdominer, or the bodyer-

Mike B: Whatever you call it, it's a GGOOOOAAAAALL!!

Mike W: One-nil, Oglethorpia's Dire-FIFA-squad with the lead.

Mike B: We're in the 70th minute and things look very very even now. In fact, Tarantula's clashing with the Dire-FIFA Spiders more now.

Mike W: Soon all will be over, the Dire-FIFA Spiders safely penned up in a simulation of their natural habitat in a facility dangerously close to Arkham, where visitors can come and drive around the spiders in jeeps.

Mike B: Have you ever seen Jurassic Park?

Mike W: No, why?

Mike B: Forget about it.

Mike W: Uh, sure. Well folks, that's the game. Mike and I are getting out of here before we get eaten or a molotov cocktail gets thrown into our booth, so for Mike Brown, i'm Mike White. Oglethorpia 1, Tanah Tarantula nil, Oglethorpia's squad bringing home the Arachne Cup. Till next time, folks!

Bump for historicalness.