Cogitation
03-01-2004, 05:54
The Second Comic Routine of the NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester
Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I’m sure that many of you have heard about the discovery of Mad Cow Disease in one of the cows in the American beef supply.
For those who aren’t familiar with the details, Mad Cow Disease (formally known as “bovine spongiform encephalopathy” or BSE) is a disease that afflicts cows, but can infect humans if the meat of infected animals is eaten. The disease literally eats away at the brain, eventually causing death. This disease was spotted in a cow in the United States.
Now, it takes a few years after the cow is infected before symptoms show up, so it’s not exactly known just how widespread the infection is in the American beef supply. Given this uncertainty, people are understandably concerned about the disease and want to know how to protect themselves. Here are a few methods that are available for preventing your brain from deteriorating:
1) Become a vegetarian - You can’t get BSE from plant material (I think). Eat only fruits and vegetables, eat veggie burgers, and hope that scientists don’t discover Mad Broccoli Disease.
2) Enclose yourself in a completely sealed artificial ecosystem - Build a facility that’s airtight, encloses plenty of space for farming, has a water purification and recycling system, and lets in sunlight. You also have to worry about air recycling, but hopefully the crops you’re growing will do that for you if you set it up right. If you’re not exchanging mass with whatever is outside your biosphere, then BSE-infected food can’t get in. Of course, this option is expensive and is only viable if you can get government funding for research* or if you are very rich.
* Yes, it’s possible. The government will spend money on this. Something about going to Mars and colonies on the Moon.
3) Turn yourself into a metaphorical zombie - Participate in activies that are absolutely mindnumbing. The stupider, the better. The basic idea here is that if you change your lifestyle such that you don’t need your brain anymore, then you won’t notice when BSE eats your brain.
Specifics: Play computer games all day, preferably games that involve little thought. Violent games are good for this purpose. The Doom and Quake series are good examples. As is the Grand Theft Auto series. Watch endless hours of American football or hockey. Download lots of porn. Watch daytime talk shows such as “Oprah” and “Jerry Springer”. Post on internet forums, preferably those that don’t encourage intellect. “General” is a good starting place, but won’t suffice; you need to diversify.
For those who believe that they may already be infected with BSE and need to cut their dependence on their brains as soon as possible, I reocmmend watching as much so-called “Reality TV” as you can possibly fit into your lesiure schedule.
4) Get a brain transplant - This is self-explanatory. Make sure the new brain doesn’t get re-infected. This is also called the Frankenstein option. See publications by Dr. Frankenstein, as recorded by Shelly, M. (1818).
5) Train other parts of your body to take over brain operations - The basic idea is that you want to develop a backup for your brain, so that when BSE eats your actual brain, you’ll have something else that has been trained to take its’ place.
Specifics: If you want your stomach to do the thinking, then go to every All-You-Can-Eat buffet in town that you can find. Try to get yourself invited to as many parties as possible and chow down on as much food as possible. Forget the grocery stores; buy your food wholesale and in bulk. Eat like a pig. Literally. Hopefully, you can fool the Mad Cow Disease into thinking that you really are a pig and are thus immune. (No, pigs aren’t immune, as far as I know, but the disease doesn’t need to know that.)
If you want your genitals to do the thinking, then hit on every single man or woman* you can find. You could also hit on every divorced man or woman* you can find. Hitting on Married men or women* is also theoretically possible, but is not advised as that introduces its’ own set of problems. Try to “score” as frequently as possible. The less discriminating you are about your potential partners, the better. Being a nymphomaniac helps. In American society, this tends to be easier for women due to the aftereffects of the “Feminist Movement” of the previous century; women are not as likely to be slapped by men for making sexual advances as the other way around. For both men and women, this is the preferred method (if you can pull it off).
* This depends upon your gender and sexual preferences.
If you want your fists to do the thinking, then take up boxing. You could also provoke as many fights as possible, but this requires you to actually survive those fights; getting killed in a barfight isn’t going to do you much good. That’s why I recommend boxing; your contenders are theoretically supposed to avoid killing you (though you might lose a piece or two of your ears).
If you want your feet to do the thinking (in conjunction with the fists), then take up kickboxing.
If you want your muscles to do the thinking, then work out as much as possible and try to show off as much as possible. Never solve problems the smart way, apply brute force whenever possible. Don’t unlock your door when you get home; break it down.
If you want your rear end to do the thinking, then act like a jerk at every opportunity. Make tasteless, off-color jokes at least once every five minutes (faster is recommended). Double-crossing people is a plus in this regard.
6) Turn yourself into an actual zombie or other undead creature - Zombies can move around and they don’t have any brains. If you can become an actual zombie, then you should be immune to the effects of BSE. This is essentially an extension of Option 3, above. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about the undead. For those interested in becoming undead, I suggest inquiring with someone in the Shentavo vampire clan for details. Rave, Kain, and Daniella Shentavo come to mind, though there may be others that I am not aware of.
There may be other options out there for treating BSE. Hopefully, you’ll find one of them to be effective.
Thank you for your time.
--The Jovial States of Cogitation
“Laugh about it for a moment.”
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester
Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I’m sure that many of you have heard about the discovery of Mad Cow Disease in one of the cows in the American beef supply.
For those who aren’t familiar with the details, Mad Cow Disease (formally known as “bovine spongiform encephalopathy” or BSE) is a disease that afflicts cows, but can infect humans if the meat of infected animals is eaten. The disease literally eats away at the brain, eventually causing death. This disease was spotted in a cow in the United States.
Now, it takes a few years after the cow is infected before symptoms show up, so it’s not exactly known just how widespread the infection is in the American beef supply. Given this uncertainty, people are understandably concerned about the disease and want to know how to protect themselves. Here are a few methods that are available for preventing your brain from deteriorating:
1) Become a vegetarian - You can’t get BSE from plant material (I think). Eat only fruits and vegetables, eat veggie burgers, and hope that scientists don’t discover Mad Broccoli Disease.
2) Enclose yourself in a completely sealed artificial ecosystem - Build a facility that’s airtight, encloses plenty of space for farming, has a water purification and recycling system, and lets in sunlight. You also have to worry about air recycling, but hopefully the crops you’re growing will do that for you if you set it up right. If you’re not exchanging mass with whatever is outside your biosphere, then BSE-infected food can’t get in. Of course, this option is expensive and is only viable if you can get government funding for research* or if you are very rich.
* Yes, it’s possible. The government will spend money on this. Something about going to Mars and colonies on the Moon.
3) Turn yourself into a metaphorical zombie - Participate in activies that are absolutely mindnumbing. The stupider, the better. The basic idea here is that if you change your lifestyle such that you don’t need your brain anymore, then you won’t notice when BSE eats your brain.
Specifics: Play computer games all day, preferably games that involve little thought. Violent games are good for this purpose. The Doom and Quake series are good examples. As is the Grand Theft Auto series. Watch endless hours of American football or hockey. Download lots of porn. Watch daytime talk shows such as “Oprah” and “Jerry Springer”. Post on internet forums, preferably those that don’t encourage intellect. “General” is a good starting place, but won’t suffice; you need to diversify.
For those who believe that they may already be infected with BSE and need to cut their dependence on their brains as soon as possible, I reocmmend watching as much so-called “Reality TV” as you can possibly fit into your lesiure schedule.
4) Get a brain transplant - This is self-explanatory. Make sure the new brain doesn’t get re-infected. This is also called the Frankenstein option. See publications by Dr. Frankenstein, as recorded by Shelly, M. (1818).
5) Train other parts of your body to take over brain operations - The basic idea is that you want to develop a backup for your brain, so that when BSE eats your actual brain, you’ll have something else that has been trained to take its’ place.
Specifics: If you want your stomach to do the thinking, then go to every All-You-Can-Eat buffet in town that you can find. Try to get yourself invited to as many parties as possible and chow down on as much food as possible. Forget the grocery stores; buy your food wholesale and in bulk. Eat like a pig. Literally. Hopefully, you can fool the Mad Cow Disease into thinking that you really are a pig and are thus immune. (No, pigs aren’t immune, as far as I know, but the disease doesn’t need to know that.)
If you want your genitals to do the thinking, then hit on every single man or woman* you can find. You could also hit on every divorced man or woman* you can find. Hitting on Married men or women* is also theoretically possible, but is not advised as that introduces its’ own set of problems. Try to “score” as frequently as possible. The less discriminating you are about your potential partners, the better. Being a nymphomaniac helps. In American society, this tends to be easier for women due to the aftereffects of the “Feminist Movement” of the previous century; women are not as likely to be slapped by men for making sexual advances as the other way around. For both men and women, this is the preferred method (if you can pull it off).
* This depends upon your gender and sexual preferences.
If you want your fists to do the thinking, then take up boxing. You could also provoke as many fights as possible, but this requires you to actually survive those fights; getting killed in a barfight isn’t going to do you much good. That’s why I recommend boxing; your contenders are theoretically supposed to avoid killing you (though you might lose a piece or two of your ears).
If you want your feet to do the thinking (in conjunction with the fists), then take up kickboxing.
If you want your muscles to do the thinking, then work out as much as possible and try to show off as much as possible. Never solve problems the smart way, apply brute force whenever possible. Don’t unlock your door when you get home; break it down.
If you want your rear end to do the thinking, then act like a jerk at every opportunity. Make tasteless, off-color jokes at least once every five minutes (faster is recommended). Double-crossing people is a plus in this regard.
6) Turn yourself into an actual zombie or other undead creature - Zombies can move around and they don’t have any brains. If you can become an actual zombie, then you should be immune to the effects of BSE. This is essentially an extension of Option 3, above. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about the undead. For those interested in becoming undead, I suggest inquiring with someone in the Shentavo vampire clan for details. Rave, Kain, and Daniella Shentavo come to mind, though there may be others that I am not aware of.
There may be other options out there for treating BSE. Hopefully, you’ll find one of them to be effective.
Thank you for your time.
--The Jovial States of Cogitation
“Laugh about it for a moment.”
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester